27 thoughts on “How To Have Your Wolf By The Balls”

1. Wow man enough said lol, and thanks again for sharing with all of us.

2. Wow Tajan:

   Let the church say amen lol , because sometimes a shout is all we have to give lol. I am very humbled by your words, and I am so glad that sharing some of my life’s chaos has help you a little ;-). Remember this, that some of life most important lessons are birthed in pain however as long as you hold on there is always hope. I can tell you that in my life I had many days and nights when all I could do was ball up on the bed in a fetal position lol, crying out to God to make sense of the pain I was going through. Tajan, I don’t know if you are a spiritual person but I am and how let me tell you it is rough when Heaven is silent. However even if God was trying to talk to me I couldn’t hear him because I was too focused on my pain but regardless if he was talking to me or not whenever the crisis was over with I saw concretely that God had used my pain to do his greatest work in me. Learned and in someways I am still learning that no person, thing, or situation is worth the cost of your physical, emotional, or spiritual well being. There are some relationships that are worth fighting for and there are some than you need to put in your rear view mirror as soon as possible lol, and you don’t need an advance degree in psychology to know what type of relationship you are in.

   All of us suffer from depression from time to time especially because of relationships going south and sometimes there is no way of escaping this dark reality. However take comfort in knowing in a twisted kind of way; that there are so many other people out there sharing your pain. It is during this time that you will learn who your friends are, and who your friends aren’t, as well as more about who you are as a person and so in the end you can only become stronger. I agree with you that Jamari has created a forum where people of diverse opinions, backgrounds, and life experiences can share without judgement or scorn unlike many other gay blogs I have visited. I thank Jamari for being so transparent with his life and for allowing other people to do the same. So Jamari I give you three wolf barks, and a butt sniff lol for a job well done lol

   1. ^^lol thank you!
      I feel very blessed reading these comments and thankful that this site is helping so many people find their way or even helping them screw in a brighter light bulb to guide them to their “moment”

3. LMAO @ community d*ck

   1. MW: I am not too sure if you wrote this or not, but it showed up in my email alert regarding this post.

      “I like to think I am a good great Fox. I mean, it gets no better than me. Not to brag, but my mind and the things I think about would have any Wolf satisfied. I satisfy myself daily so why can’t I do the same for whoever I date?”

      The answer is simple there are some people who by nature are total takers and in my mind total takers are never satisfied. Dealing with a total taker is like taking a pale of sand and attempting to fill the Gran Canyon with it. In my book total takes in the long run never ever have anything to offer because their taking is based on an never ending insecurity about themselves and others they they cannot or will not let go off. They are rarely trusting and they are usually only good at inventing new ways to take from someone lol. Finally total takers all most always come across like the total package person,however if you were to open that package you will find it empty. I am not saying you are this way but remember takers have problems giving, and givers have problems taking; I think it is something about their wiring lol. Therefore if someone is a giver they must learn how to take more frequently and takers must learn how to give more frequently in order to be happy and truly satisfied in a relationship.

4. Vain;

   All my life lessons has taught me people to tend to settle when it comes to relationships or other significant things in life they tend to be mostly miserable. I just want to make it clear that no way am I saying that I have all the answers, or that I am perfect in my relationships however I made enough mistakes in relationships to know what works for me and what doesn’t. It always makes me a little sad to hear people say “well he/she is the only one who I will do what I say,” or he/she is the only person who want’s me.” I think nothing good and long lasting in life comes easy especially relationships. If you buy a new car or a house in order to keep them in good condition you must invest time and money into doing the necessary maintenance work. This is why most informed people when they shop for a car or a buy house they tend to do their homework before hand. They will look into a car’ model performance ratings, ask about gas mileage, get extended warranties, look for good interest rates, investigate the community’s impact on the property value, what are the schools like in neighborhood, etc.

   So must it be with people in our lives, and I think that many people think they have only limited options in the dating/relationship pool especially gay or bisexual black men, and it is not true. Sure there is a lot of drama, and crazy people etc, and the same is the say about the str8 community. I strongly believe that a person is defined by the relationships in their lives excluding family because we are born into our families but we choose our relationships. There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by emotional parasites you know the kind of people who attached themselves to you and drain you dry physically and emotionally and when you have nothing else to give they bolt? Well when I took a hard look at myself and discovered that during those times when these type of people were pervasive in my life I wasn’t really feeling good about myself, and that they were a reflection of how I felt about myself.

   Now whenever I start to see the emotional parasites sitting in my living room in masses; I will pause and say this is not good, and I start looking at what is going on emotionally with me lol. People who feel good about themselves are going to generally pick people who will add to making them feeling better about themselves and people who feel bad about themselves will often pick people who are going to make them feel worst about themselves. This is why I say never ever settle for anything or anyone how does not add to the quality of your life. If you have to be at home on a Friday night join netflix, or get involve with a good chat like this one, you bed me be a little bit bigger but when you wake up in the morning you will have yourself respect. Jamari, thanks for allowing the opportunity to post on your blog, and keep the good work up in keeping us all talking about our lives. 😉

   1. 😉

   2. To Blkcasting, man you have broke it down on your post so tough until I could shout. I dont know what it is about this blog, but its something always here when I am feeling some type of way that speaks to situation that I am dealing with, its almost scary. I have been dealing with some deep relationship issues these past few months, and this blog has literally thrown me a life saver in the middle of my sinking depression.

5. Vain I think you made some good points and actually I think that if I were to venture a guess I would say that the insecure and emotionally unavailable significant others tend to be more the norm in any populations gay. bi, trans, str8, and omni-sexual relationships lol. However if you look at the str8 model for the sake of this argument according to most studies approximately a little over 50% of marriages in the United States end up in divorce. I think that in the society that we live in it is the norm to be emotionally unhealthy than it is the be emotionally healthy. Being emotionally healthy is a life long process and it requires a lot of personal, emotional, and spiritual work . I think that the relationships that tend to last are relationships where the couple do the hard work on themselves and with each other, and it an ongoing work that keeps the relationship growing an healthy. I always thought that sex only last for the first 5 minutes of a relationship and the rest involves working to maintain the relationship.

   However I generally think that we create the interpersonal world that we live in and if we decide that all of our relationships are going to be problematic and drama filled on either a conscious or unconscious level then those are the type of relationships were are going to always end up in. I bet if you really think about it you know at least one person in your life who always seemed end up in drama filled relationships this does not happen by chance. This usually happens because for whatever reason that individual has learned how to attract and except the abusive, neglectful types into their lives. I have to add that I think most black gay/bi male relationships usually have the deck stacked against it due to societal influences and psychosexual complications but that is subject for another one of Jamari’s posts lol.

   In other words we tend to teach people how to treat us, and if we and I think that if we allow a person to disrespect or take him for granted they that person will continue to do so and over time the negative treatment will get worst. I just think many people settle for anyone in their relationships, because they think they cannot do any better, they are fearful of being alone, or they suffer from low self esteem. I challenge anyone to tell me of someone you know who has healthy esteem and stay up in abusive or neglectful relationships. I think this is especially true when it comes to black women and foxes who think that they have limited options when it comes to having a black man.I think that I would rather have a few trees to pick ripe fruit from than an entire orchard of threes that bear rotten fruit.

   1. Maintaining a relationship takes a healthy partnership and lots of dedication and commitment and self esteem and so on and so forth. Its one thing to not one want to be alone and to settle for crumbs because something is better than nothing to a lot of people. Its another to come at wanting to be in a relationship from a healthy, emotionally stable, and positive stand point.

      It feels like the odds are against you in finding these types. So often times its like… these are the guys you have to deal with and end up in scenarios like the one Jamari described above and either you do what you can to get what you want or you hold out until something better comes along. If insecure and emotionally unavailable tend to be closer to the norm, how does anyone expect to gain healthy relationship patterns and behavior? Who is coming across these stable in most realms (financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc) type of men at a rate that will keep them from settling for less?

      Unless you and lots of other people are coming across a plethora of men who fall in the “he’s not perfect but he’s capable and wanting of a solid commitment with honesty, communication, monogamy, and all those other wonderful things that help make a relationship work” category…. and the rest of us are somehow not seeing them?

6. UrSoVain :
   Okay, I can understand where you’re coming from in that the ones who cater to you are never the one’s who give you this: http://i55.tinypic.com/29wsmmb.jpg

   I guess.
   If that’s what you like. lol

7. JAY :
   Probably wolves foxes can control anyway, which they usually aren’t attracted to.

   For what reasons?

   1. They want to be led, not do the leading. Foxes tend to go for dudes that can check them if need be, not someone who really caters to them.

      1. Okay, I can understand where you’re coming from in that the ones who cater to you are never the one’s who give you this: http://i55.tinypic.com/29wsmmb.jpg

8. blkcastingman :
   Also I am talking about self-actualized and emotionally mature foxes and wolves, because I think that when someone dealing with insecure and emotionally immature people on a sexual and romantic level then all bets are off. For me in all my long term relationships I tend to look for equality , and I define equality as both parties bringing to the relationship table emotional, financial spiritual, and moral integrity in equal parts to the relationship.

   Yes, there are all things that are great in an ideal world. When someone is honest, open, committed, stable, mature, etc things move along a lot smoother. Because it’s like, i get it, i recognize how a relationship works when two parties are both in it with both feet and their mind set in reality. Talk about your issues, understand each others points of view, come to a resolution and move on. We can go on about that all day and what it takes to make a relationship WORK. That’s easy.

   Now, what would you say is the proportion of self actualized and emotionally mature foxes and wolves compared to the insecure and emotionally unavailable foxes and wolves and who is one more likely to come across? You couldn’t possibly practice all of these things with the amount of foxes and wolves out there who always seem to have one foot out of the door.

9. Wow some really great posts going on here, and I kind of agree with “yngblkwolf” in terms that I think that the Foxes tend to set the emotional tone and the sexual pace of the long term relationship with a wolf however I would stop short of comparing Foxes to women lol. I just think that every good ship wants a good and uncomplicated port to dock in lol. Also I am talking about self-actualized and emotionally mature foxes and wolves, because I think that when someone dealing with insecure and emotionally immature people on a sexual and romantic level then all bets are off. For me in all my long term relationships I tend to look for equality , and I define equality as both parties bringing to the relationship table emotional, financial spiritual, and moral integrity in equal parts to the relationship.

   What I mean by this is I never been in a relationship were everything was 50/50 at all times because sometimes I was bringing 30% while my significant other was bring 70% and though out the relationship the bringing on each side always fluctuated, however the willingness and the ability to bring 100% of whatever you have to offer to the relationship creates the equality. I think that Jamari’s tactics may be better used if it is employed when things are going great in the relationship for example, pick an evening when the you know that the wolf is going to hang out with his boys or something of that nature; ask him to come over your house after work then sex him the hell down, then lead him to the door and tell him have a good time with his boys. I am telling you as a wolf that act would serve as a get out of free jail card when times get hard pun intended lol. I think knowing how to keep excitement and spontaneity in a relationship helps to keep the relationship fresh. I agree with the other posters as a man I also grow tired of needy and clingy people very quickly, however an intelligent, independent, emotionally supportive, emotionally consistent, non game playing and sexually spontaneous Fox is worth a ton of gold to me

10. In my experience, tactics like that only work with certain dudes. Im not sure most foxes go.after those dudes. Putting him out all hot and bothered abruptly and not returning his calls could get your face cracked when he can get online and find a dude to.fuck 2 miles away. All im.saying.is make sure you’re a priority first.

    1. JAY :
       In my experience, tactics like that only work with certain dudes. Im not sure most foxes go.after those dudes.

       Who are these types who this works on but foxes don’t go after?

       1. Probably wolves foxes can control anyway, which they usually aren’t attracted to.

11. I didn’t think of that as a “game” though.
    I never said ignore his calls.
    YOU, as a Fox, do not call him.
    Let him call you.
    You did your part by that amazing head and when you both do speak,
    you both can talk about your issues.

12. Because of this:

    YngBlkWolf :
    Of course, now with thirsty/desparate/lonely broads/hoes giving it up to every tom, dick, & harry they see.

    I think that’s why I don’t see too much of this:

    YngBlkWolf :
    In theory because – like women – you have what we need and want, therefore you can set the terms of how you want to be treated to give it up…whether ‘it’ is sex, love, companionship, etc. But a man who really wants you will do what it takes to get you.

    In theory, sure, we can assume that men will work hard towards attaining that “special” one. But I don’t think that’s consistent with what goes on in reality. Not with so many foxes out there who are willing to sell their souls for the attention of a (fine) wolf. I theorize that we foxes (for the most part) tend to focus our attention on one wolf at a time and throw chunks of our attention at them. Wolves sort of keep a Rolodex full of options and scatter around bits and pieces of attention to make sure there will always be other opportunities. Commitment focused wolves are extremely hard to come by as many do not want to be stuck in a position that they won’t be able to get out of at a later date.

    Yes, you should be open and communicate and if they don’t want to go with it move on to the next. But I can understand where Jamari was coming from with his response because it seems as though you have to employ these sort of tactics to get what you’re looking for. Being straight forward and upfront tends to be interpreted as “demanding” or “needy” and often leads to him staring at the exit.

13. . As a Wolf (interesting term lol) I tend to be attracted to foxes (another interesting term lol), who have a wolf’s mentality meaning a man is a man, and personally I tend to reject all the emotionally debilitating hyper masculine mindsets that tends to plague black men in general. As a person and as a professional I really hate game playing especially in a relationship because they tend to erode trust and honestly very quickly. In all my relationships professional, interpersonal, or romantic; I tend to avoid people who play games and I tend to do my best to avoid playing them myself; in other words game playing shut me down, and I think they do with most other emotionally mature people. This is not to say that I never used controlling silence in the past to bring someone back to the negotiating table, but as a long term bargaining tool it runs it course very quickly.

    How I learned to define game playing is that you will know a game is being played when someone walks away hurt. From a m4m relationship perspective Foxes generally tend to have the most power in the relationship so the Fox you are speaking of already has an advantage in his relationship with his wolf. Secondly, I think all new relationships tend to have a cooling down period which is the time when the excitement and the rush of initial sexual and romantic feelings dissipate and the couple have to begin attending to the mundane day to day work of maintaining the relationship. Six months is a very short time in a relationship so the cooling of intensity is going to be very common, and this is the time the couple should be very focus on working on establishing open and honest communication, creating healthy boundaries, and discussing relational expectations because I think that they are the cement mixture of the relational foundation of trust and honesty.

    This is why I think in the online blk m4m community many relationships are short term because people in general never learn how to develop relationship building and maintaining skills. What I discovered in both my personal and professional life is that many people think that they can communicate well and perhaps they do in a generalize way, however everyone tends to speak a unique language when it comes to communicating to a significant other. Also may Wolf’s know that they don’t have to put up with game playing in a relationship because they know that they are in great demand. So they won’t stay long in a relationship if they are self-actualized with someone who play games the same apply to self actualized Foxes. Finally, I think that Wolfs who do give into playing games are also game players and in the end both gamers tend to cancel out each other. Now Fox I am not being negative of your post because I think that it is very honest and open, however I am just an advocate for being open and honest as much as possible in all relationships.

    1. “Foxes generally tend to have the most power in the relationship so the Fox you are speaking of already has an advantage in his relationship with his wolf.”

       – How so? I ask because from my experiences foxes I’ve come across generally have the power TO LEAVE but not the power to make it work or be in control. Many times i find foxes are like pleading with wolves or sacrificing large parts of themselves in order to keep wolves around.

       1. In theory because – like women – you have what we need and want, therefore you can set the terms of how you want to be treated to give it up…whether ‘it’ is sex, love, companionship, etc. Of course, now with thirsty/desparate/lonely broads/hoes giving it up to every tom, dick, & harry they see, it makes things a lot harder. But a man who really wants you will do what it takes to get you. I also agree that playing games is a MAJOR turn-off for me. If you can’t sit me down & tell me what’s wrong, then maybe the relationship isn’t worth it.

          I know women like to play that guessing game sometimes & it blows. one thing I like about guys is that we (should) be able to talk about the issues up front. So if my boyfirend did that ish to me, I would seriously consider keeping on walking.

    2. ^ I actually really appreciated this comment.
       I read it coming home and it made me see another flip of the coin.
       thank you for taking the time-out to write this for Foxes and Wolves alike

14. “Do not call him for a few days.”

    This is KEY!! Men HATE being ignored! Even after you’ve broken up I’ve gotten a few “damn, you’re not even gunna just talk to me?” NO! It drives them crazy and more than likely they will blow your phone up.

    I’m nervous about this tactic because I’d hate for a relationship to be whittled down to a sex thing. You’d have to clearly state what your issues are and how you’d like to resolve them. To me it doesn’t mater what comes out of his mouth because he’s probably going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. It about paying attention to his actions. W/e changed he agrees to making you have to hold him to it and not make excuses. If he goes back to what he used to be and does not change you’ll either have to accept him for who he is or move on.

    1. ^when I dont answer,
       my phone gets blown to smithereens

       when I blow up his phone,
       it’s a sent to voicemail lol

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