Foxhole,
we are officially on the home stretch.
after months of bullshit,
stress,
uncertainty,
and wondering if life was ever going to stop throwing punches…
i’m almost there.
in about two weeks,
i’ll be back in my own space again.
i thought i’d be counting down the days.
i thought i’d be crying tears of joy.
i thought i’d be decorating in my head every night before i went to sleep but…
i feel…
numb?
it’s such a strange feeling because this is everything i’ve been praying for.
so why don’t i feel happier?
is it because i’ve been in survival mode for so long?
my nervous system doesn’t know what to do when the emergency is almost over.
for months,
every day has been about making it through.
save the money.
don’t lose the job.
ignore the drama.
don’t react.
cry privately.
take the hits.
keep pushing.
i think i’m afraid of trusting that i’ve finally made it to the other side.
the real finish line isn’t getting an apartment.
maybe it’s believing that:
i deserve to unpack my bags without wondering when i’ll have to pack them again.
lowkey: i think it’ll hit me when i walk in and it’s just me.
Congratulations on getting the new place Fox. I think what you are feeling is an unconscious attempt to guard yourself from the possibility of hurt when the next pain comes. Like you are so used to having the other shoe drop one after the other that you are pre bracing yourself during the time that you believe that you should be taking a breathe of relief. I think that if it does hit you, it will either be like you said when you finally move in or it will be the relief of making out of that situation. Either way, make sure to find some time to just lay in the peace you obtain even if just for a little while.