7/17/16 | close to 10pm

beach-blue-cliff-cloud-Favim.com-2719603are you prepared for when things come to an end?
sometimes you get no warning.
it’s like being the best employee at your job,
and suddenly,
they call you into the office to let you know you’re fired.
all these thoughts go through your head…

“why?”
“what the fuck?”
“i busted my ass…”
“omg…”

…but it all still leads to your ass is out the door.
as you get your things,
you notice all the other animals who don’t do shit.
the slackers and simpletons.
they still have their seats.
you damn near busted your ass every day and this is your outcome.

Bummer.

i feel used.
like a pit stop or a kleenex of sorts.

mi is headed to her next destination.
she leaves here with no fucks.
i feel like she wasted my time even coming here.
she didn’t have to ask for nothing.
even after we fought,
i still let her stay.
i tried to look out for her knowing she lost her mother.
she brought nothing.
now she has the nerve to have an attitude like i did something to her.

work wolf is now with some new vixen.
they look happy judging from the pictures on his social media.
he hit me up the other day to tell me he “missed me”,
and he would love to chill,
but he spends all his free time with this new vixen.
i wanted to see “suicide squad” with him but i’m not going to be a third wheel.
he seems to do all the things he did with me with her.
it sorta hurt my feelings.
i feel like i was casted away.
i thought we would be friends for a long time,
but maybe he used me too.

don’t even get me started on my job and career.

at this moment of my life,
i feel a pain i never felt before.
i can’t explain how it feels.
it’s like…
something is missing from my life.
happiness,
maybe?

i learned a lot of lessons this past year.
a lot of doors have slammed shut in my face.
the tears want to fall,
but i’m embarrassed to let them.
i decided that all this mess won’t turn me bitter,
but i’ll try to make sure it turns me better.
i simply wish it all didn’t happen at the same time tho.
i guess God needed me to learn the hard way.

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i’m tired of learning the hard way.

lowkey: i wanted to write how i was feeling at this moment.
is that okay?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “7/17/16 | close to 10pm

  1. Take everything as a lesson learned bro. Get in your feelz for a while. Mourn the lost time you spent. Then move on as a stronger dude.

  2. God will allow storms to come that rain on the very things you THINK will satisfy you. Let your prayer be, “God, I surrender my will to yours. Lead me and guide each one of my steps. Reveal to me which patch I should go on, who I should help, and who I should befriend. Let me learn lessons from each experience and not be bitter. Elevate me as I trust you. Help me to forgive and let go of the past. Remind me that the BEST is YET to come.”

  3. It’s more than ok, let your feelings out we are hear to listen and give comfort.

    Mi leaving is a vlessing, when she is gone you can have some peace at home.

    If you and WW miss each other hit him up and plan something just politely ask he leave his boo at home.

    We all believe a better job is coming for you 😊 you just gotta keep the faith.

    Keep your head up

    1. ^thanks mikey.
      i just want peace and positive energy hear on out.
      i decided to be sad so i can move forward.
      no use in trying to be happy if i’m not.

  4. God removes what u don’t need to bring in the people, events, etc that u DO need. I’m learning that lesson now. A year from now everything u are stressing over or down about won’t mean anything. I will look back and see growth.

  5. J….my guru, my homie, my friend….I’m going to tell you something I learned the hard way and something I was told but was hard for me to implement.

    I’ll start with what I was told. A really good friend of mine told me that to be mentally and emotionally healthy requires that you be selfish at times. Now, the word “selfish” has a lot of negativity attached to it. As an English teacher, I had to look at the actual definition. Being selfish means being concerned with yourself first. That’s it. Looking out for your own SELF interests. I feel in you a kindred spirit. It it difficult for us to be selfish because we are empathic people, but it is necessary for your mental well being.

    The thing I learned the hard way was confidence is not arrogance, but arrogance is also needed sometimes. My first teaching job was teaching theatre. Normally, the theatre teacher at the typical school is an English teacher who like theatre. Well, I was a theatre teacher with an actual degree in theatre. When it came to making decisions, I would have a lot of people with opinions on how things should go because they “did” theatre in school. One day I had to pause a meeting; I asked one question, a command actually. “Everyone with a degree in theatre raise your hand.” I was the only who did. “With that being said, THIS is what we are going to do.” I looked at my superintendent and told him I wouldn’t tell him how to run a school district, and he wasn’t going to tell me how to run a theatre.

    As awesome as you are Jabari, I don’t think YOU know and accept it. It is easy to “read” and “snap” when you are angry or feel threatened. It is entirely different to constantly remind YOURSELF how good you are at what you do. Now, I don’t often attempt to tell people what to do; I offer advice or suggestions and let them decide how to move forward. I’m going to break my own rule right now: Stop abusing yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be a victim. Stop acting like a victim. I don’t follow weak people Jamari; I pity them. I follow your blog because you have something to say. You don’t just make statements about things that you have not taken time to think about. I like that. I like that you are comfortable in your skin being a gay black man in America. I LOVE IT actually. You HAVE to change your outlook on life. There is so much more out there than these phony people that seem to inundate your life. TAKE CARE OF YOU. You don’t owe anyone anything but GOD. Keep the posts that are so uniquely you coming sir. I came for the peen leakage; I stayed for the mind behind the blog.

    1. ^taylor.

      thank you for this comment.
      im definitely going to have to change the way i look at things.
      im going to let myself have a moment and then proceed as I usually do.
      things just came hard and fast on a fox.
      it’s been a tough year,
      but one filled with growth and blessings that were hidden beneath.
      thank you for sticking with me as i navigate through this journey.
      God is still working on me.

      love.

      1. ^i can be weak and emotional.
        i can let things bring me down when im off.
        that doesn’t mean I’m not strong.
        for everything I’ve been through,
        i am still able to connect with my feelings and feel others.
        im going through a tough season right now.
        like the other seasons,
        it will either be forgotten or what made me rise to greatness.
        with every challenge,
        i get better and better.
        things won’t always be a walk in the rose garden.
        once i grow some new flowers,
        as I’m starting to mentally plant new seeds,
        things will bloom for the betterment of Jamari Fox.

  6. Don’t worry Jamari. Things tends to get worse before they get better. So just think of this as your sort of beginning stage of metamorphis. You’ll come out of this a better man. Side note: I low key want to see what Work Wolf look like lol.

  7. J, as you should know by now you are not by yourself, several members of your foxhole family are currently going through similar storms or have been through similar storms. But there is sunshine after the storm.

    I have been going through similar storms in my life. A Black vixen manager on my job tried her best to break me and get rid of me because she is petty and I called her out on her shenanigans, she tried to set me up with higher white management. I ended up getting demoted and transferred to another department. At one point I felt defeated, but I started to change my outlook and look at it as a blessing and it just might be, I had a meeting with my new manager and she was a breath of fresh air, the new job is less demanding, although I took a cut in pay I still think that I will actually be able to get up in the morning with less stress and worry than in my old department. Sometimes bad things end up being the best thing that could ever happen to us.

    As far as my personal life, I have been in a funk thanks to the job and being in a hopeless infatuation with an unavailable man who just gave me just enough to keep me hanging on, so that I would pay him attention but when I would get to close he would put up this wall and play”but you know Im straight right card”. I was so attracted to him that my common sense went right out of the window. I have been lax at the gym, eating all kinds of wrong foods and bad foods, gaining weight and just feeling plain miserable and then something unexpected happen out of nowhere that has changed my whole outlook on life again.

    About 3 weeks ago, I was in the wet area at the gym just chilling and relaxing in the steam room when this older nice looking dude struck up a conversation with me. I just assumed he was straight as I always do unless you are obviously cruising me, but the gym for the most part is straight until proven otherwise especially at this location I was at. We had a nice conversation and I didnt think nothing of it. I was actually like damn why cant I meet a dude like this, straight dudes are so Kool and easy to talk to without any drama. Well when I was at my locker getting ready to leave this dude comes up to me and ask me for my number and said he would like to hang out. I literally almost said “for real” I was floored and hope the smile that came across my face didnt scare him away. He immediately text me and stayed true to his word and invited me out and we have been going strong every since. He was thinking the same thing I was, we both thought the other one was str8, he then told me that since I was so open to talk to him he thought he might have a chance LOL, but I am glad he was bold enough to take a chance, because I wanted to stay in touch but I never take a chance if I think a dude is str8. I always want to be 100% sure and I usually dont find out until he is walking down the street with another dude LOL! I have actually just been getting to know the dude, we both agreed to hold off on being physical and although its been hard I can see he wants something meaningful and real and we both want to get to know each other on another level.

    I shared all of this to say to you and the rest of the foxhole, even at our darkest hour, hope is not lost and a ray of sunshine is just around the corner. I have been in a dark place for a long time and would have never expected that I would meet someone who would be what I have been wanting and to meet them when I wasnt even looking and in fact when I was feeling down on myself. I just made myself go to the gym on this day because I wanted to head off this impending expansion of my waistline. This brother thinks Im so hot the way I am and told me, he almost left without asking for my number but he had an instant attraction to me. This let me know that often times we are too hard on ourselves and the people who are attracted to us dont see the flaws we do.

    I have a new attitude this morning. I woke up thankful. I am going to the gym and I am eating right today. I am not letting all the problems of the world, my job, my family, my friends or anything else worry me today. Even if my new boo leaves me he gave me hope again 🙂

    1. Ayyyyy push through Tajan. Will we be getting a version of “How Tajan Got His Groove Back” I’m proud of you brother, I always really love reading your comments amongst others up here but you have to be my fave. What you just wrote brighten up my day. I swear a lot of us face the same struggles, there are days where I feel so defeated, and today was one of those days, but I know brighter days are coming. Not only did Jamari need to read this so did I and so many others. I hope everything works out between you and your new boo, and I pray everything continues to go smooth on your job.

    2. Wow Tajan, that’s awesome brother. What you said kinda gave me hope again. I’m kinda going through it right now too, but have been managing to stay on top of my feelings just so. I agree with Eric, you are one of my favourite commenters on here. I really do love reading your comments.

  8. I was feeling the same way today, this helped me and I hope it can do the same for you. Don’t let these things get you down. You are a strong person and your time will come to shine.

    All My Tears
    You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
    ( Psalm 56:8 )

    It’s a common misconception if God doesn’t rescue us from pain, then He must not know we are suffering. In actuality this verse tells us how much God feels our pain. He records each and every pain we feel! Can you imagine how big His book must be on our lives? When we experience worries and pain, God is validating them. God knows your problems and sees your tears. Take heart in knowing your God is personal with you and hears the pain in your voice.

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