i felt “off” yesterday.
it was a monday and i wasn’t going to work.
it was a job i hated,
but for the last 11 months,
i created a structure for it.
and then everything that went down at the job,
really made me sit and dwell.
i was going to try and hide it as long as i could.
“pretend” everything was good…
…but it wasn’t.
i’ve had many come on here and say i was “crazy”.
“one minute he is happy and the next he isn’t.
he is a nut…”
for someone that suffers from depression,
that really isn’t fair.
that makes others have to play “pretend” so they aren’t judged.
when they can’t take it anymore,
they snap and commit suicide because the mask got too tight.
i’ve played a lot of “pretend” due to fear of judgment.
i can attest that it really screwed me up so i try to be more honest.
i’ve been doubting myself
i’m trying to stay in the present,
but my thoughts won’t allow me to relax.
like i fonted the job did suck,
but i got comfortable in all that sucakage.
it was like being in a toxic relationship,
but you put up with the bs because it’s comfortable.
now that i got dumped by that asshole,
i have to start over (again).
i’m praying that my next move is the right one.
for whatever reason,
i’m feeling really insecure about everything.
i don’t know why.
the good news?
i want to get rid of these feelings.
i got shit to do.
it felt good to release that off my spirit.
i don’t know if that’s “right” to font for the foxhole,
but i needed to do it for me.
lowkey: this song represents me right now…