Posted in A LIL TASTE OF JAMARI

24 hour blue

   Published Date: July 17, 2018  14 Comments on 24 hour blue

i felt “off” yesterday.
it was a monday and i wasn’t going to work.
it was a job i hated,
but for the last 11 months,
i created a structure for it.
being home,
and then everything that went down at the job,
really made me sit and dwell.
i was going to try and hide it as long as i could.
“pretend” everything was good…

…but it wasn’t.
i’ve had many come on here and say i was “crazy”.

“one minute he is happy and the next he isn’t.
he is a nut…”

for someone that suffers from depression,
that really isn’t fair.
that makes others have to play “pretend” so they aren’t judged.
when they can’t take it anymore,
they snap and commit suicide because the mask got too tight.
i’ve played a lot of “pretend” due to fear of judgment.
i can attest that it really screwed me up so i try to be more honest.
honestly fonting:

i’ve been doubting myself

i’m trying to stay in the present,
but my thoughts won’t allow me to relax.
like i fonted the job did suck,
but i got comfortable in all that sucakage.
it was like being in a toxic relationship,
but you put up with the bs because it’s comfortable.
now that i got dumped by that asshole,
i have to start over (again).
i’m praying that my next move is the right one.
for whatever reason,
i’m feeling really insecure about everything.

me
my life
my talents
the foxhole

i don’t know why.
the good news?
i want to get rid of these feelings.
i got shit to do.

it felt good to release that off my spirit.
i don’t know if that’s “right” to font for the foxhole,
but i needed to do it for me.

lowkey: this song represents me right now…

14 thoughts on “24 hour blue”

  1. I’m so glad you wrote this! I’m not going to lie l was one of those people who said your up them down, but your honesty about it really puts into perspective and l respect that. Don’t ever for a second think your down & out, it’s all a learning process. l think this is a time for you to let your imagination run wild with your dreams and from there pin point what you can do to manifest. Keep your head up J, your wisdom is needed on this earth and you serve a purpose!

  2. I too suffer from depression. My heart goes out to you. Your journey will be unique in nature and requires no ones understanding. You mean the world to us Foxholers and we care that you are safe, supported and felt worthy of sharing your feelings with us. No judgement.

  3. Its ok to be carefree when they let you go. Its what you wanted and the repercussion is what you have to deal with, thats life. You haven’t committed a crime or killed someone. Don’t wallow in your sorrow and grief, thats worst cause it will eat you alive. The best thing you can do is get up and live life because there is something else better. They lied to you with that trial job that offered nothing in the end. Surely you’ll get a sign and it will be a place you probably did n’t expect but your life will change and you’ll get everything you wanted

  4. Jamari, I think I have sent you this before on the 7 Stages of Grief. Anything in life we lose something we griever, be it a pet, a family member, a job, a break up, even a dollar, we grieve it is normal to feel the way you do. It is a life change.Outsiders do not always understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to “get over it” and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don’t “get it”. The Seven Stages.
    1.SHOCK & DENIAL-2.PAIN & GUILT-3.ANGER & BARGAINING-4.DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-5.THE UPWARD TURN-6.RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-7.ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. They do not always come in order and sometimes they go back and forth. The depression phase is the hardest. Your losses have come very close together and that is very difficult but hang in there, there is always a light at the end.

    1. ^i think i’m bouncing between the “pain, guilt, anger, and depression” phase of the program.
      somewhere in the middle of that forest.

      day 2 of being unemployed feels like an emotional hell.
      i’m slowly working towards the upward tho.

  5. It’s okay. Reflect, vent, daydream, whatever you do, always be okay with dissecting your emotions. You got this.

  6. To piggyback off of what you stated, to deny ourselves the right to be human 100% of the time is crazy. What you went through is an experience, and all experiences bring feelings with them. Express them, deal with them and then move forward. What people don’t tell you is that you may have to rinse and repeat those steps when feelings return. When and if they do, it’s alright. Thanks for being transparent. Insight into your world is helping more than what you know.

    1. ^it’s sad that we get condemned for being real.
      yet,
      when someone kills themselves,
      everyone is questioning why they didn’t share or reach out.

      thank you for your kind font as well.

  8. Thank you for your transparency. Whether it be anxiety, depression, or insecurity, we all go through feelings like this in one form or another. This too will pass. You are smart, resilient, and relentless and you’ll bounce back.

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