You Are Trying Too Hard To Wear The Wrong Fur

prodigy’s death brought back a ton of memories for me yesterday.
when that “infamy” album came out,
i was such a hood rat.
i’m not even playing with you.
i was hanging with the drug dealin’ wolves,
skippin’ school,
smoking stupid amounts of weed/trying other drugs,
and wearing clothes about 3 sizes too big.
at that time in my life,
i was so depressed and rebelling.
i lost one parent and the other was on the way out.
i was trying to be accepted by those i thought was cool.
that was the time i stopped speaking to star fox too.
i was having fun,
but damn sure wasn’t happy tho.
this all goes back to living your truth

that former nfl baller wolf who came out also made me think about acceptance.
we do a lot so we can fall under the radar of how other’s view us.
around that time of that album,
i was also dating vixens.
it’s so weird to say that now.
all of the straight wolves i was running wild with,
they were fuckin’ insane amounts of vixens.
it made me feel insecure because i was struggling with my own issues,
but trying to maintain this “straight” image.
so i tried emulating the straight relationships i saw in movies and tv.

It was a wild time

i did a good job,
but it was a lot of work.
i had to hide the music i really liked.
now don’t get me wrong,
i love hip hop.
i grew up with the culture,
but low key,
i loved pop star vixens.
i like hearing vixens sing.
i remember the horror when someone found my cd collection.
britney’s “oops” album and mariah’s “rainbow” was on the first page.

That’s my cousins!”

yeah right.

when i stopped fuckin with them,
and forced to be alone,
that is when grew into my own skin.
i’ve learned exactly what “living my truth” really means.
it means being real with yourself and what makes you happy.
what someone eats doesn’t make me shit.
you gotta find yourself,
which will make you confident,
and everyone won’t care or question what you do.
i find those who are live their life fuck-less don’t get fucked with.
those are also the ones we want to fuck completely stupid.
i’m attracted to the out spoken and those who are “different”.
confidence is sexy.
rihanna embodies that to me.

imagine having your domestic violence picture leaked for the world to see.
you are being blamed for what happened that night.
you allegedly “provoked” what went down.
to add insult,
major networks are siding with your abuser at the time.
you are literally an outcast.
you have no choice to become who you really are.
once everyone sees you at your lowest,
there is no way for you to have fucks to give any longer.

so find yourself foxhole.
that’s your truth.
accepting the “you” when no one is around.
the one who might like r&b singing vixens and legit hates sports.
no amount of props or “dust in eyes” will hide that.

lowkey: once we realize no matter how great we are,
someone just won’t like us…
that is when we’ll break the chains of the masks we wear.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “You Are Trying Too Hard To Wear The Wrong Fur”

  1. ^thank you guys!
    love you as well jonny and thank you for sharing your truth with us e.
    this is YOUR life.
    we need to work around and deal with how you want/choose to live.

  2. Love this post, growing up I was very feminine as a little boy. I use to love playing with little girl toys vs the little boys. I also use to say I wanted a husband when I grow up instead of a wife lol. Boy oh boy I was flaming, my dad made me act tougher and once puberty hit my voice deepen and my mannerisms became less noticeable as it once was when I was younger. I was also wearing baggy clothes too, I look at old pictures and cringe. The thing is even when I acted like trade back then, some people that I was around could still tell I was gay. My feminine mannerisms would showcase from time to time. Even though today at 27 I still struggle to a point it’s getting a little better. I assume people know I’m gay since I haven’t been linked to a girl in years. There are some days I wonder what would it be like to be straight and have a family and live what’s considered the (norm) but that wasn’t chosen in my cards. The thing is I want to live in my truth so bad, but I don’t know what’s stopping me. There are some days my parents throw off in a way that I’m gay, then there days when they think I’m going to get married and have kids. Living in my (straight fur) all these years have gotten me nowhere with my love life, and haven’t made any genuine close friendships. I’m ready for the day that I’m finally ready to live my truth as a gay black fox, versus living it behind closed doors.

    1. I feel you Eric, I’m not much younger than you and I’m struggling with the same thing, my parents are a little more liberal, but I still haven’t told them yet. I still have troubles picturing being “out” to everybody. The whole thought still feels very “alien” to me. It’s super easy and natural for me to accept and understand myself, but working other people into that reality is my current struggle. It’s hard for me to be friends with straight guys because of this, even if they don’t care about my sexuality, because it’s generally hard for me to feel comfortable around them, and they don’t really understand. So I’m keeping my sexuality under wraps, but I still feel like I can’t relate to them. It’s just awkward lol. I assume people know I’m gay, but people tend to assume the opposite because my personality is very gender-neutral. I want to be free, but then I think to myself; “what does that even look like?” “is that for me?” “is that how I want to live and conduct my life? Or do I prefer being mysterious?” Idk.

  3. Great entry, a lot of the things you spoke about resonated with me. growing up I was one of those kids that couldn’t hide it. I would learn to down play a bit but it didn’t do much since everyone still knew. i was into Sailor moon, Disney and a lot of pop when I was really young. I remember bringing a Destiny’s Child cd to middle school one time and getting clowned for it lol

    I would definitely say getting older, learning to be more in tune with who I am (still a struggle sometimes because I can be pretty awkward), and just not giving a fuck has helped me.

    1. ^embrace the awkward.
      awkward can be sexy in it’s own way!
      i can be awkward af.

      those wolves would have clowned my ass HARD if they knew i was into sailor moon.
      i watched every episode up until venus showed up.
      i hated the intro to that pink haired cub with the pony tails.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: