When You’re Good Enough, but Not Good Enough

you ever felt “good enough, but not good enough”?
that is how i worded it to pose yesterday.
she was worried about me and sent me in a long text.
that way i put it is how i been feeling as of late.
i was always last to be picked for sports,
but i was always the first wolves came to about advice.
i was always thrown to the side when “someone better came along”,
but was the first to be ran back to when shit hit the fan.
i was always “good at what you do”,
but never “great enough to be shouted from the mountain tops”.
when you grew up being compared to everyone “better”,
it really fucks with your head when you grow up.
so…

i was good enough to work at these jobs,
slave and deal with all kinds of abuse,
but my work ethic wasn’t good enough to be kept.

i was good enough for that CEO wolf to notice me,
tell all his colleagues how great i am,
but i’m not good enough to be helped like he promised.

i was good enough to be with work wolf,
helped him and was there when he needed me,
but i wasn’t good enough to be kept in his life.

i was good enough to be a good blogger,
every day i do something i love to do,
but i’m not good enough without followers to get a sponsorship/acknowledged.

i’m good enough to be the one everyone comes to for advice/help,
and i make sure i get the problem solved,
but i’m not good enough to be helped when i need it.

 

like…

Does anyone know how that makes someone feel?

that doesn’t feel good.
everyone can say:

“well you need to stop being so nice”

…but you be a complete asshole and no one is fucking with you.
it’s almost like that’s my life.
that’s where the begging to be taken seriously comes in at.
to be good enough,
but never good enough to be treated like how i treat others.
it feels like i’m in a prison or another dimension.
all of these things are high-key hurting me.
i’m sorry that is the honest truth of this situation.

while speaking with pose,
she said that i’m looking at it all wrong.
my thing is…

How can I look at it right when that is the truth?

unemployment sent me a letter today.
i have to go in there next week.
i need a break…
through.

lowkey: i know i’m not the only black gay male who feels this?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “When You’re Good Enough, but Not Good Enough

  1. @Jamari

    You ever think it’s just the city you stay in ?

    I’m originally from down south …I spent some time in New York and HATED IT.

    Alot of New Yorkers are users,selfish ,unreliable ,liars,fake friendly assholes…no offense

    Alot of them carried a cloud of darkness with them

    Basically it was a depressing city …even the nightlife of getting drunk had a depressing vibe to it .

    MOVE!!!

    Try Charlotte NC, Raleigh NC, DC,DMV , or even ATL,(though ATL would be my last choice )

    1. ^hey gab,

      thank you for the email.
      i definitely don’t have the funds to re-locate right now,
      but i’m willing to do try a nice charolotte.
      you are spot on about new yawkers.
      i’m over them.

    2. Same here. Went to NY and was treated like crap. Moved away and was treated like royalty and made more money. Jamari, you need to replace your negative thoughts with positive thoughts. You should not speak negatively or reminisce negatively to yourself. Focus on the positive. Believe in the positive. Attract the positive. I was laid off for 22 months, but always remained upbeat. Tricked myself to not think negatively and it definitely worked out. Keep pushing.

  2. No, you are not the only person to feel this sense of losand tiresome feelings for you current situation . I know you are tired of hearing ” don’t give up” and ” it won’t last long” but it’s during these times when you need to hear it the most.

    Something that helps me with my depression is getting out the house and just walking or browsing . I also get in my car and just drive. Is there anyway you can take a train trip for a day just to clear your mind? Or a walk around Central Park. I know funds are low but anything to get you to see a new perspective.

    I really do believe all the things you named in this post were just life lessons you had to learn. I’m the same way I’m too trusting and get comfortable instead of having an exit plan from jobs and people.

    P.S. I don’t know much about blog life but is there anyway we the foxhole can reached out to companies to get them to consider sponsoring you?

    1. ^that’s the thing mikey.
      i go out and do stuff.
      sometimes i go and walk around the park.
      that doesn’t always cure unhappiness and depression.

      “I really do believe all the things you named in this post were just life lessons you had to learn. I’m the same way I’m too trusting and get comfortable instead of having an exit plan from jobs and people.”
      ^that’s it right there.

      that is a nice gesture,
      but i think they find me or i find the right one who doesn’t look at “followers”.

  3. Hey Jamari I can relate to everything you are referring to. I was always good enough to be used by people and to be a shoulder to cry on. However, it would rarely come back in return. What I did next was kinda common sense to me but people knew me before finally are taking note of, was become the object, the thing, the idea, the fantasy of all my desires. I stopped sitting and thinking about it and started doing.

    The gym was first, then I focused on my job, then I focused on making more successful friends to forming relationships with more popular people. Now I am in the affluent social circles. Its actually interesting all the stuff you see or hear happening or find out, but I didnt change who I was throughout. I am still super nice and i just maintian my focus on my happiness and my success. So I think maybe that the key you may be looking for. You need to create the Jamari Experience and run with that, woo new opportunities and make the world see you, and I mean really see you.

  4. Jamari I feel that you and I need to network and find that hub for success. Its like being a barn find but no one has discovered yet but we are preserved to originality. Sooner or later we will be valued beyond market value! The nice guy always comes last but surprises everyone at the end, so just be who you are cause ppl look for sincere attitudes, even among the nay sayers.

"off topic", trolling, and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!