i’ve been numbing my pain with sleeping pills.
i can’t seem to sleep anymore without them.
this maybe how addiction starts.
i’m okay with that.
2017 has been so hard for me.
i thought 2016 was bad,
every time i try to be happy and on this mountain,
i am pulled right back down into a valley.
i’m starting to be okay down here.
the fur i keep on allows me to smile around others,
i’m so depressed and ready to die.
death seems so peaceful.
that is my continuous truth…
i been listening to “my life” from aunt mary on repeat since sunday.
the album that has been speaking to me.
i didn’t appreciate the album before.
it wasn’t something i “got”.
if it wasn’t for cav in ( x career defining moment albums ),
i wouldn’t have went on a full investigation.
i studied all the lyrics and read articles around that era in her life.
every lyric was an honest look into her life at that moment.
the album actually tells a story.
“my life” is basically about aunt mary was begging for someone to love her.
it starts off “happy” because she found this amazing love,
but then starts to spiral.
that is how i feel almost all the time.
that has been “me” my whole life.
it’s amazing how someone else’s struggle can define you at that moment.
the other albums in my rotation made me feel happy “for the moment“,
but i was forcing myself to feel something that wasn’t true.
“if I don’t pretend to be happy,
then everyone else will not like that.”
why do i care so much what people think?
it’s not like the ones who have such an opinion been there.
they love to throw shade and keep it moving.
so i been begging for a change.
i been wanting the wrong “everyone” to love me.
i did my resume the other night and it made me so depressed.
i saw just how unhappy those jobs made me.
to even think about doing that again…
they used and threw me aside like trash.
whenever i try to promote the thing that does make me happy,
which is this foxhole,
i feel like no one takes me seriously.
something that has millions in views,
but because my follower count isn’t high,
no one wants to hire or take me seriously.
andrew caldwell is followed by 115k.
they all follow him just to talk shit,
yet i’m the one who is ignored.
they tell you “chase your dreams”,
but if no one gives a fuck about you,
you will keep coming on dead end to dead end.
so i been wondering:
Why do I even write this?
no one will appreciate me until i’m dead anyway.
online and off.
maybe that won’t even make them care.
i’ll just fade away like a distant memory.
those are the thoughts i been feeling.
why have an outlet if you can’t be honest?
i don’t know if i’m looking at the wrong things,
but my happiness seems to lie in everyone and everything else but myself.
is that wrong tho?
my friend dying yesterday made me see someone who also had big dreams,
but died trying to be respected by those who didn’t.
i’m slowly falling into that vortex and fighting like hell not to be.
Will I ever be happy?