The Pursuit of Happiness and Other Dying Thoughts

i’ve been numbing my pain with sleeping pills.
i can’t seem to sleep anymore without them.
this maybe how addiction starts.
i’m okay with that.
2017 has been so hard for me.
i thought 2016 was bad,
but 2017…
whew.
every time i try to be happy and on this mountain,
i am pulled right back down into a valley.
i’m starting to be okay down here.
the fur i keep on allows me to smile around others,
but underneath,
i’m so depressed and ready to die.
death seems so peaceful.
that is my continuous truth

i been listening to “my life” from aunt mary on repeat since sunday.
the album that has been speaking to me.
i didn’t appreciate the album before.
it wasn’t something i “got”.
if it wasn’t for cav in ( x career defining moment albums ),
i wouldn’t have went on a full investigation.
i studied all the lyrics and read articles around that era in her life.

WOW!

every lyric was an honest look into her life at that moment.
the album actually tells a story.
“my life” is basically about aunt mary was begging for someone to love her.
it starts off “happy” because she found this amazing love,
but then starts to spiral.
that is how i feel almost all the time.
that has been “me” my whole life.
it’s amazing how someone else’s struggle can define you at that moment.
the other albums in my rotation made me feel happy “for the moment“,
but i was forcing myself to feel something that wasn’t true.

“if I don’t pretend to be happy,
then everyone else will not like that.”

why do i care so much what people think?
it’s not like the ones who have such an opinion been there.
they love to throw shade and keep it moving.

so i been begging for a change.
i been wanting the wrong “everyone” to love me.
i did my resume the other night and it made me so depressed.
i saw just how unhappy those jobs made me.
to even think about doing that again…
like everyone,
they used and threw me aside like trash.
whenever i try to promote the thing that does make me happy,
which is this foxhole,
i feel like no one takes me seriously.
something that has millions in views,
but because my follower count isn’t high,
no one wants to hire or take me seriously.
andrew caldwell is followed by 115k.
they all follow him just to talk shit,
yet i’m the one who is ignored.
they tell you “chase your dreams”,
but if no one gives a fuck about you,
you will keep coming on dead end to dead end.
so i been wondering:

Why do I even write this?

no one will appreciate me until i’m dead anyway.
online and off.
maybe that won’t even make them care.
i’ll just fade away like a distant memory.

those are the thoughts i been feeling.
why have an outlet if you can’t be honest?
i don’t know if i’m looking at the wrong things,
but my happiness seems to lie in everyone and everything else but myself.
is that wrong tho?
my friend dying yesterday made me see someone who also had big dreams,
but died trying to be respected by those who didn’t.
i’m slowly falling into that vortex and fighting like hell not to be.

Will I ever be happy?

idk.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

29 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Happiness and Other Dying Thoughts

  1. Jamari,
    I felt that way during a large part of my life. People only wanting what they wanted and overlooking my value…having someone trying to destroy me for no apparent reason…wondering why…questioning my self worth…being depressed and lonely alone. But my moment came when my mom fell and in 1998 I spent 2 weeks with her. It was a Friday and I walked in she was alert, awake and wanted to talk to me. She had tubs so she couldn’t talk but could write. She asked me how I was? Was I eating? Was I sleeping? All the things a mother would ask. Then she looked down and looked up in my eyes and wrote… “I want you to be happy”. She made her transition later that night. It may seem that things aren’t working out but it’s only temporary. The reflection on you jobs lets you know what not to do. This life is a journey and we are to have experiences and learn from them. Use them to not make the same mistake twice. Yeah we are going to stumble and fall but look how far you are and how strong you are. Sometimes it may not feel or seem that way but you are stronger than you think. GOD has a way of showing us who really will be there. Just bc somebody’s world crumbled doesn’t mean yours will. The foxhole may not be where you want it right now but it will get there…it serves purpose to the many who read it…more than you know. So when the Forrest gets dark remember you are not alone and there people who care about you as a person aside from the foxhole and you will get back on top. It’s only a valley but your peak is waiting.

  2. I can empathize with the emotions you are feeling right now. I just stumbled over a MAJOR obstacle in my road to career success. Here I am, doing all that I can, but I just keep falling down over and over again. The things that keep me from offing myself are:
    1. This whole messy, tragic journey that is my life would have been in vain. Every single thing I overcame, every heavy load I carried, every step I took forward, would have been for nothing. I refuse to have my life end in failure or defeat.
    2. There are others who will be affected. I realize that if I left my family and friends here on this Earth with such a sudden death, it would cause immense pain. No matter what the circumstances of the relationship is right now, it could cause grief and unrest in a multitude of people’s spirits. Not just in people that you have seen face to face, but in your internet acquaintances as well.
    3. God has a higher calling for me. As that song says, “I don’t believe he brought me this far to leave me”. Giving up now when I just know that God has more in store for me if I just hold on would be tragic. I believe that God has more in store for you, and if you just take the time to lean on Him and figure yourself out, it will all work out. Also, don’t put Him in a box and expect yourself to just scrape through this. God may just open up the windows of Heaven and pour out so many blessings that you won’t know what to do. I will be praying for you, Jamari, as I know what you are going through. It will be hard to carry on, but it will be worth it.

  3. You need a break. You need to get out of NYC a little bit and breath and relax. You are fine. Life is more than how many followers you have on a website. What you wrote is scares me — please don’t consider suicide. It is not the answer. God wipes away each day and starts another afresh. You can do the same. And if you need a break email us and we will send you a bus or rail ticket so you can get out for awhile! Seriously. We don’t want to lose you!

    1. Wow! I agree with Manuel 110% I had no idea you were feeling like this. I thought your spirits were up. I’m here if you need me for anything.

    2. Jamari you need a change of pace,Please accept Immanuel’s offer.Remember how you felt better when you spent some time in Florida.Also please call a suicide hotline to talk to people who have experience talking to people in crisis.You are not selfish,you are not worthless…You need help dealing with all your issues,with the Mi situation,the job search,your friend’s suicide,etc
      You are feeling hopeless and lost but there is help out there.I know the pain feels unbearable but you can be helped.Don’t give up and don’t pay attention to assholes who want you to give up.

  4. You know…I stumbled upon your blog a few years ago and I continue to enjoy it, especially during the era of Work Wolf. lord knows I miss that saga. You have taken us thru your ups and downs and here we are again with you threatening suicide..WOULD YOU PLEASE CUT IT OUT!!!! That’s right no one gives two good fucks about you and your struggle-but your journey and journal of it is entertaining. There are people out there making money hand over fist…without trying (or so it seems)…this is not new. What needs to be new is your grind…how dare you take us thru all of this and end up back at this square that you should have removed as an option moons ago? We have no clue what you look like…are you cat fishing us? Do you really have the skill set or looks you allude to when you describe how people respond or react or look at you? Give us more…via this blog and maybe just maybe it will be cathartic enough for you to move in the rest of your life….just saying.

    1. I don’t who the FUCK you are but telling a person who is in pain and talking about suicide to”cut it out”is comparable to telling a person with cancer “to suck it up”.Making a person who is already depressed feel worse about themselves is counter productive. If anything it pushes them toward suicide not away from it.If you can’t show compassion to someone who is obviously struggling you are a worthless piece of shit.I don’t normally use this language but you are pissing me off.You remind of those people who go on social media and encourage people to end their lives probably because your life is so miserable.

      Don’t bother replying back to me because I will not read it.I give 0 fucks about what you have to say after reading your insensitive comment.

      For everyone else I apologize for my language.

      1. I sincerely apologize for the profanity.I wish there was a way I could edit or delete my comment.I regret the way I expressed myself.Because I lost an uncle and cousin to suicide I am hypersensitive.Also it doesn’t help that I am a Cancer(sensitive).
        I know a couple of people have said I don’t need to apologize.I feel I do. I am better than that.I allowed an individual to take me down to his level, and to act out of character.Michelle Obama said “When they go low, We go high.”
        I went low and I regret that.

      2. You need to take a nap and re-read what was written. This isn’t about your dead uncle or dead cousin…it was a reminder to Jamari that its time to move away from these threats of suicide…

  5. my post got deleted but what i was saying is one of the biggest life lessons to learn is owneeship and value live in the same place…us.

    when a buyer buys something, he is going to offer less than what the item is worth because he wants to get as much as possible for as little as possible. it doesn’t mean the item is worth less than it is until the seller accepts less than what it’ is worth. the buyer doesn’t know all that was put into it to make it valuable.

    when a seller is selling something he sales it at the top dollar and highest price he believes he can get for it. the reason is because he knows what it cost him to obtain it, he knows the work and investment he put into and knows the benefit or value it will be in the hands of the right buyer.

    in other words invest more in yourself than other people. go to school, intern for a period of time in the field you want t grow until you make money, learn a new skill or trade,… There are grants for education for low or income residence. put whatever resources you have (time, energy, thoughts, talents etc) into that which can give you the biggest return..YOU..and watch your value soar!

    1. I was always told that….everyone who told me…always tend to forget …there were bills that needed to be taken care of. I wanted to soar, probably like Jamari..but finances tend to clip your wings before you get a chance to fly.

      1. some of the things I mentioned don’t cost. volunteering when yu can to learn is an investment. There are grants that will pay tho to school or learn a trade if you are unemployed or underemployed . There are non profits that will fund skill development and pay you to learn . think outside what you know and find out how you can learn what is out there

  6. Jamari please don’t give up on yourself, trust me there are those of us who understand. I know there are plenty of wolves, vixens, and foxes in the foxhole who appricate your this space where you have your view on topics and share with us your ups and downs. I don’t have this kind of space in my everyday life with foxes wolves who understand.

    I know right now you can’t see the gen the foxhole is right now but it is. We see it everyday and I’m sure someone big will get it too.

    P.S. I’ve already told you awhile ago this is YOUR space to express yourself, you don’t have to hide how you’re feeling or think like it’s repetitive to try to appease anyone. We’re on this journey with you.

  7. Don’t let the BASTARDS win. Keep showing up and giving your own brand of hell for everyone to savor or gag on. Take a break if you must, but don’t give up the good fight. When I lost EVERYTHING of material value AND my dear sweet mother in 2007 and then spent the next ten years getting kicked in the teeth and getting back up and getting kicked in the teeth again and so on until today, my only advice is to keep showing up–out of spite, if nothing more. Years ago I took my tale of woe to a rich and powerful and wise woman who had called me friend, equal, chosen son, for words to explain away the disaster. She said, “that’s life.” My words of advice to you, as well.

    1. Hey Jamari. So I think that its a wise idea to just clear your head of NYC and venture somewhere else. Visit…not live. It does change your perspective. I don’t know your routine but I will say it seems as if you talk a lot via email and text message and phone to your close friends. I think someone suggest seeing your face or something like that. I suggest that you could do a link up at like a Starbucks for all of those foxholers living in NYC. That would boost your morale. Maybe a brunch! You could bond over the Foxhole and what it is to be a young single gay man of color living in the City. 2016 was my worst year bar none. But I stayed in the game to see that 2017 is a GREAT improvement. You should (for now) look into other avenues of making money. There are soooooo many ways to make money in nyc to build capital and a foundation for waht you ultimately want to do career wise. This may not be your season but if you get out to the game too soon, you will never see what the end result will be. Hang on my brother.

      1. For me the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 was rough as hell, but I kept pushing and things improved drastically. Looking back there was some things I needed to learn for me to go to the next phase in my life. Jamari will push through this as well. He has the talent and ability to do great things and will.

        Look at Normani Kordei from “Fifth Harmony”. That girl was subjected to the worst type of racist bullying you can imagine on social media. She channeled that pain in her performance on Dancing With The Stars this past Monday, and blew people away.
        Sometimes you have to experience pain to prepare you for success.

  8. be strong jamari
    I’m praying for you,i know how hard life can be
    try to stay positive
    may God hear you

  9. I know it has been really tough on you, but I am not okay with you feeling this way, especially saying that you would be fine with being addicted to sleeping pills. Adversity is a part of life. People always say that bad times are temporary, but so are good times. Shit is going to happen, period. Life is almost similar to gambling, there will be winning streaks, and there will be times where you will lose a lot of money trying to win. I am hoping you will get out of this funk that you have been in, even though I know you will not have a better outlook until you become employed again.

  10. Jamari, I want to start off by saying I love you, and I care about you like a cyber brother. I really want you to be okay. I know you were probably just getting your feelings off your chest, and I advocate that, but this is an unhealthy cycle. I’m not one to talk because I’ve been in a “numb” state myself,but Jamari, I really do agree with the others. You need some new scenery, a nice getaway, maybe something involving nature. I don’t know how New York is set up but even if you have a week to just get out of state and do something nice for yourself. You have been deprived and isolated for so long. You’re lacking the social element. Sometimes we introverts lock ourselves in too much and become accustomed to it, and then assume that being isolated for extended periods of time is normal, which leads us to darker thoughts thinking that no one would miss us if and when we’re gone, but this simply just isn’t true. Get out of the house and try to engage in more social activities and try to use this opportunity to do things you never had time to do. Locking yourself in is the worst thing you can do, especially when you’re already at this stage of thought. Trust me, I know, I’ve been there, get out of the house and do something good for yourself, it helps, and you deserve it.
    Please. Hang in there.

  11. I’m glad that you liked what I wrote in that post. That album made me face some hard unbearable truths. It is truly amazing how a song, an album can take a page out of your life. Almost like you inspired that album. Jamari, Im not a stranger to depression. I deal with it every day. Im in the same position you are. Stuck in a city and job that I hate, trying to follow a dream, trying to relocate, dying to be taken seriously and hoping someone with see my finer qualities in the process. It seems impossible. It makes life seem dull, less truer, richer, deeper. When optimism and prayer and working, what do u do? I ask myself that question daily Jamari. All I can suggest is just keep breathing, take each day as it comes. Find something in each day that makes me smile. Just. Keep. Going.

  12. Jamari, I don’t know you personally lil bro but I wish I can wrap my arms around you and shield you from the pain. As someone who has fought the war with depression I can attest to the moments of despair and the darkness it fosters. Now in my 30s I treat my depression like I treat my teeth and my body. It requires daily hygiene. Emotional and spiritual hygiene to be exact.

    I have to love myself when no one else can (or will).
    I have to tell myself I’m good enough when no one else can (or will).
    I have to meditate when the antidepressants aren’t enough.
    All of this is part of my emotional and mental hygiene that I credit for keeping me from the darkness and despair.

    I’m your brother, and you are mine. We can fight this together and win.

  13. i want to thank everyone who left a comment in here.
    my life has it’s up and downs.
    i like to share the trials and tribulations,
    as i like to share the good and the amazing.
    i needed that support yesterday.
    i was feeling down.
    i’m coming back to my regular self,
    but i’m still worried and trying to figure out what’s next for me.
    i pray you all continue to hold on with me as i do the same.

    thank you and i love you,
    JF

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