think about this.
you are enjoying a perfect day.
sun is shining.
the wind smells so crisp.
you are wearing the perfect outfit.
everything fits you to a tee.
nothing could fuck up the day.
well, think about the opposite.
it’s raining hard.
everything just seems to be going wrong.
nothing can put a smile on your face.
you just want to go home and crawl into bed.
every thought you have feels heavy.
you just want to sleep.
maybe forever if you could.
that’s depression.
they say 120 million people on this planet suffer from it.
does that include everyone on social media?
so many people trying to play perfect.
their smiles so big on facebook.
bodies so sweet on instagram.
they tweet about their lives like it’s something out a movie.
they try to be modern day celebrities.
“why isn’t that me?”
“am i doing something wrong?”
you start to dig yourself into an emotional grave.
oh i been there.
trust.
“no one wants to hear about your problems so why even talk about it?”
i guess that’s why we are so shocked when they commit suicide.
life is funny that way.
when it comes to depression…
Why are we so scared to admit it?
depression is a losing battle.
you wake up every day to go back to sleep.
your mind sees nothing but the negative.
you never think there will be a positive outcome.
hell you don’t believe in “positive outcomes”.
every time someone talks to you,
you got some negative bullshit to dump in their lap.
so you know what you do?
mask the pain with drugs, alcohol, and random sex.
when that doesn’t do anything anymore,
you go harder.
next thing you know,
you’re up shit’s creek without a paddle.
last night,
i was having an interesting conversation with a reader about my jack’d entry.
he happens to work at a mental hospital.
many of the people in his area that are on jack’d have checked into his job.
they are all the “standard”.
wolves we love to lust after.
foxes with the perfectly rotund ass cheeks.
those same pretty packages are hiding a terrible secret.
drug abuse.
sex addictions.
flat out crazy.
covering up this pain they can’t talk about.
talk about a downer.
who wants to know the fine wolf we wants to kill himself?
how many likes will that admission get?
i use to be heavily depressed a few years ago.
i have my moments now,
but it isn’t as bad as before.
i have even attempted to kill myself.
i use to be so afraid to admit any of that.
in fear or being judged.
labelled weak.
not a “man”.
that was the issue before.
“what people would think of jamari fox”.
“will i be judged for this?”
those same people are gone,
ain’t worth shit,
and i was left with the baggage.
its funny how life shows you all the time you waste.
so i had to ask…
I’ve been low key depressed for years. and Ive been suicidal for almost 4. It got to the worst it’s ever been after the ONLY man I’ve ever been in love with cheated on me and left me in May of 2010.. and wouldn’t tell me why he did it and he would barely acknowledge me. I got really depressed.. Tried to kill myself multiple times. Got put on medicine. Relapsed and got depressed again. Ive been in 3 mental hospitals for my depression. I ask myself over and over to this day why wasn’t I good enough. It hurts so bad because I don’t think he cares for me. He just says he does and I think if I died, he wouldn’t even care. for He finally told me a couple of weeks ago why.. He said it was because the dude was thicker than me and he liked him more. That hurt.. I have somewhat low self esteem, I stay to myself because as a result of being broken I no longer care about people, I’m constantly reflecting on why no one wants me and especially why my ex doesnt want me, I have extreme paranoia whenever I get ignored by someone I like, I constantly feel like I have to ask if someone likes me when they already told me they did..
I have ok days (not really good not really bad. Just ok)
and then there are the days where I feel like shit.. Like if my ex didnt want me why would anyone else. I feel like im nothing and that nobody will miss me. I’m broken and totally fucked up emotionally. I pray a lot and it helps. But I still feel the pain underneath. I just wish I had someone to love that would feel the same Way about me as I do about them
^babesssssss.
listen to me.
i been there.
i wasn’t as bad as you,
but ive been there.
you wanna talk suicide?
i have tried many ways.
pills.
wrists.
i didn’t want to be alive anymore.
after a failed attempt,
i got my life in order.
your ex?
he is an asshole.
fuck him.
fuck his soul.
fuck his whole being.
i want you to do m a favor?
i want you to find the love you are using to give to others and use it on yourself.
it won’t be easy.
you will look in the mirror and reject it.
you have to try.
try you hardest.
i also want you to look into talking to someone.
as you you do these things,
you will find the love within yourself.
you have to make the start.
start now.
I love your writing style, Jamari!
^thank you pour!
I would almost say that if any Black Gay Man can go through this life without any depression, I would say he is lying his ass off. I have suffered with bouts of depression since college when the first dude I really fell for rejected me and its seems to have went downhill from there. I have never wanted to end it all, I have played the what if game, but I am too scary to actually go through with a plot, and I would be scared I would miss out on something. It is so easy to get caught up in negativity in this lifestyle as you have so many miserable people and top it off with the need to be constantly perfect, with a good body, good job, good dick, good ass, and it gets to be too much for anybody to bear. We already mask and hide who we are to the world so its easy to never tell anyone how we are really feeling. If we look like what we have been through, it would not be a pretty sight to see. It doesnt help either that our community(African-American) is so afraid to talk about and deal with mental health issues, and there are not nearly enough Black therapist, much less enough Black Gay ones who you would even feel comfortable talking too. I went to see a therapist one time, but didnt bother going back because I did not want to discuss some of the real things that were going on with me at the time because I did not feel comfortable talking to a female and she was AA.
As I have stated on many occasions, this site has help me and been my therapy for the last 2years with all the insight and commentary, at least I feel I have somewhere to go and vent and discuss and see I am not alone in my feelings.
^hmm you said something really feel t.
you didn’t want to talk to a black woman.
any reasons why?
that was really telling.
Hey J,
I think that I have a deep distrust of discussing my business with Black females, due to their extreme dislike for men who they feel should be with them and not checking for another dude. For instance a couple of years ago, I had a Black female doctor, and I picked her because I couldnt find a Black male doctor on the provider list, well when I had my physical for the first time, she ask me whether I was str8, gay, bi-sex, well for once I decided to be honest and tell her I was gay, she was cool and not judgmental and really didnt say anything; but after the physical was over, she was like you need to take a HIV test, which was cool because I hadnt had one, but a part of me felt like she said that after the fact I admitted to being gay. I may have just been paranoid. Also when on future visit, the nursing staff would be extra friendly with me and I wondered if she told them because I am tall and have a football player build, and go out of my way to be extra masculine when Im in any public settings, so I was thinking that maybe she said can yall believe this, this big 6ft something dude is gay, again this maybe me over thinking a situation.
Well with the therapist, she started asking me was I sexually active or had I lost interest in sex, and I told her I was not having sex, which I really wasnt and she sort of gave me the side eye. By just looking at my physical appearance, she just assumed I was str8, and I really didnt want to discuss it with her after the incident with the female doctor. I know they are professional, but I would really feel that deep down they would be judgmental. I really want a cool older black gay therapist to discuss some issues with, who I would feel comfortable with and who I could at least somewhat relate too.
^you know what t?
i don’t even doubt your story.
i have some good friends who are black women,
but then i have know some real bitches who live in a fantasy land of what black gay men should look/act like.
they often wonder why people stay in the closet.
that kerry rhodes thing was the icing on the cake for me.
they were calling for him to come out the closet,
but realistically,
they didn’t give a fuck about him.
some where even happy peanut did what he did because:
“all these black gay men giving out aids to black women need to be exposed.”
…but there was no talk about HIV anywhere within that scandal.
Oh yea. Black women think all gay men should be ugly, that’s some real shit shit. I’m dead serious. If you are fine and gay that’s an issue for them.
S/N: Damn, you must be bad as shit tajan. Got them women actin all crazy lol. Football player build, and you got green eyes too. Mmm lol.
I don’t think I’m suicidal anymore, but I do struggle with bouts of depression.
I was raised to never let other people see me sweat, so my whole world could be crumbling and no one would ever notice.
^that is so dangerous jay.
don’t you have anyone you can at least confide in?
Nope.
Never had any close friends.
That’s how I know there’s a higher power.
I should dead or in a stray jacket in some padded room.
I’m not punching mirrors because I don’t want to look at myself or cutting my arm with pocket knives or having random sex.
I changed universities because I was really going through it. Someone even started a rumor about me saying I was Bipolar and people believed it.
^that is awful!!!
bipolar?
people can be really nasty.
well im glad you were able to overcome the rough patches jay.
do you ever imagine what life would be like if you didn’t ever get depressed?
i keep wonder if those people ever exist?
are they the stars and celebs of today?
Yea, I’ve been depressed a few times. What is with everyone letting their depression get to that point that they want to take their own lives? Think about the people who love and care about you who would be hurt like your friends, family, lovers, and co-workers. We all go through shit. Weak people do this shit because they think life is supposed to be good all the time, but it’s like a game, you lose a few and you win a few. Life isn’t picture perfect.
^but you know what?
when I was suicidal,
i didn’t think about anyone.
i just wanted the pain to stop.
i thought no one would give a damn if I died because I wasn’t offering anything to the world.
funny that if i was successful with my death attempt that last time,
this site would have been non existent.
i think I started this site a little bit after too.
life is funny.