the secret gay language i must have missed

hopefully,
someone can relate with this.
if not,
thanks for reading.

some folks might think some of us are crazy.
they can’t fathom that it’s hard for us to:

get into a relationship
feel like we’re attractive
be our most confident

we check all boxes of “having it together” on the outside,
but if only folks knew that we suffer in silence. .
one of my favs on twitter fonted the other day...

Why is so easy for some to get into a relationship compared to others?

…and for the life of me,
i don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me.
star fox could get into relationships with other males easy.
hell,
he had his ex obsessed with him even after they parted.
i attracted more vixens.
i meet vixens who will flirt with me wearing a wedding ring.
star fox never attracted any vixens so i had to wonder

Did I miss the gay secret language class that the other gay males learned to get the good meat?

back when i was younger,
i was told stories of how others met gay males,
especially dl ones.
they made it seem like these wolves had no issue hittin on them in public.
like,
they were walking in the forests,
do some eye contact,
and would get the number easy.
gays on social media make it seem that way too.
i feel like no one notices me.
for other gay males,
it seems so much easier.
growing up,
i’ve always felt that way.


i was sitting with some of my co-workers today.
one of the vixens mentioned:

“every time i come by your desk,
it’s a posse.
it’s like i gotta take a number to talk to you.
you attract people to you like a magnet.”

yeah,
vixens.
i have some wolves talk to me,
even the models who have come in,
but they’re mostly straight.
so i responded to her:

“really?
i feel invisible on most occasions.”

they scoffed and looked at me like i was crazy.
i’m not mad i have great energy thats attractive,
but it seems misdirected.
i attract vixens,
but i’m not attracted to women.
i’m like the popular one who commits suicide,
but folks are baffled why i did it.
i feel how that popular one feels on the inside.

lowkey: is it wrong to feel like some gay males can attract any male to them?
is it wrong to want power to do that?
or does that power come with a price?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

24 thoughts on “the secret gay language i must have missed

  1. I’ve felt this way for a long time like I’ll make friends and I can even see or notice when somebody is into a friend of mine but it feels like I can’t attract any of that type of attention.

      1. This is very much true for many of us. Very much the bridesmaid never the bride syndrome… I do think we play a role in though. I think the attention we want is there. We just have to pay more attention. For me, It’s usually from those I least expect.

          1. Same here actually like i made connection on bcc that went nowhere and now its like do i have a “back tf off” sign on me. My old friend told me I gave off bitchie or leave me alone when she first tried to be my friend.

  2. I’m going through something similar at the moment. I can attach an abstract and description to almost anything any anyone but myself but I’ve been described as “unbelievably handsome” but in reality I don’t feel or want to be this. To be honest I wish I looked completely different.

    For someone with my label you’d think I’d have hoes on hoes but I just don’t attract what I want and it’s becoming more evident now that I’m older and yearning for that life teammate..

    I didn’t start getting attention until freshman year of college, at 27 I’m just as awkward as I was at 15 and it’s why I don’t really go approaching.. I’m approached and followed often… by either females or the type dudes that I really don’t go for… I hate when this happens at the office

    Sometimes I think I’m being too selective or stuck up but I just want something meaningful with someone I am head over timbs over. I just really don’t think I’m going to get that anytime soon lmao.

  3. Off topic but ODELL CUT HIS HAIR! Back on topic. I think thats a lot of us Jamari. Just like you, I too attract a lot of females, which dont get me wrong, I’m flattered but I cant do anything with that, lol. Im very picky when it comes to men, and generally speaking, what I like is rare, but even more difficult to point out in public because it borders on “are they str8 or not”. And like Teedra Moses said “Im too cute to fight” lmao.

    I think if men werent so afraid to be hit on in public by another man or vice versa, a lot more of us would pick up on the signs and approach them or they would feel comfortable approaching us. I refuse to be like that movie “Cover” and tell every man I find attractive “looks like you have something in ur eye, would u like me to blow it out” and wait for their response to find out if their down, lol.

    But I think the main reason other gay men have no problem being hit on in public or hitting on someone else is they bold and if a guy crack slick, they got the brawn to back it up. But 9 times out of 10, if u sense someone is checking u out or u feel an mutual attraction to another guy, your not making it up, its just 1 of u has to take 1 for the team and approach the other…but alas, that is the problem. A lot of us are scared (and for good reason nowadays) and 2 scared people dont equal a date unfortunately. If Im scared to approach u and u scared to approach me, nothing gonna get accomplished…smh

  4. This is my life! For all of my life!
    Women always want to be around me…but i must give off a repel vibe for dudes…i don’t catch the cues of attraction.

    I’ve been told that I’m intimidating and unapproachable…I’m obviously doing something wrong…i had a friend about a year ago who said he picked up my scraps when we went out.

    He always had someone (that said they were checking for me originally) but he was banging them out on the regular…lol glad to know I’m not alone

  5. I’m at the same spot in my life and you know what? If we can pinpoint the problem then we gotta work on a solution.

    I think the issue is when we’re not openly or flamboyantly gay. We learned how to mask most traits that people perceive as gay. It can be a useful skill. We’ve gotten too invested in it though. Men are usually not going to approach you if they don’t think you’re gay.

    You have to decide if you want to be approached or be the one doing the chasing. If you want to be approached, you have to stop dodging those questions and hiding any “gay mannerisms” to make yourself obviously gay/available. If you’re going to do the chasing, you have to look for those “hints” and take your chance. Sometimes you do a little of both.

    Before any living thing get together they have to show they’re available—it can be distinct colors, vocalization, dances, rituals, markings, behavior, or body language.

  6. It all comes down to the way you carry yourself honestly. I feel like those of us who have less dominant personalities like the idea of being chased (like a stereotypical woman). But from my experience, while the cutie’s made eye contact with me and gave me nods and long glances, it was ultimately up to me to make the first move to start these interactions (That could become romantic)

  7. wow…….it very difficult for a masculine gay black man……I was told that i don’t give of “gay” vibes……I am just myself always…..I attract more women than men unless I go to a gay club……as a professional masculine attractive gay man…i find this life is very difficult in terms of meeting liked minded people

  8. Attracting gay men is as simple as simple can be: WORK OUT and sculpt your body. PERIODT! As simple as that. To attract women, straight men must earn MONEY. PERIODT! As simple as that! Any other questions??? 🙂

    1. You’re on to something bro! All of the low-key dudes that I’ve been around have been attracted to nice bodies

    2. Eh, depends where you live. Sculpting your body can also intimidate guys who think you’re a buff straight guy. Unless you give them a reason to think you’re gay – mannerisms & clothing/styling. Maybe if you infiltrate gay spaces or live in a city with very concentrated LGBT population then that’s a different story.

  9. This is crazy. I’ve had the exact thoughts on this topic. Seriously, I don’t know why women are more direct with me, than men.

    1. Men won’t be direct with you unless they know you are gay. They gotta be comfortable with themselves first also to approach you. Its a different ball game.

      Women are used to men throwing themselves at them, so them being direct with a guy in Western society pretty much doesn’t hurt anything on their behalf.

  10. I normally read the post religiously and don’t comment but this particular blog entry has struck a nerve with me. I must say that I oftentimes feel that same sentiments expressed in this blog post Jamari. I attract females as friends and had some hit on me or try to pursue a relationship but, I’m just not attracted to females.

    Males on the other hand are so difficult to get their attention (for me at least). I could not for the life of me get a males attention.

  11. I agree but for me most of the men that do approach comes at me all the way left. Most of the time it’s inappropriate like a random inbox with a 🍆 pic or some random sup. Although that may work for some that just doesn’t fly with me. I do recall when I was younger the person I had a crush on wasn’t openly gay but I knew he messed around and his mannerisms gave me a vibe that he may like me. I approached him and we became very close. Never a full on relationship but we did share some intimate moments and are still great friends today. He is the one that always talks to me about why I’m not with someone and that I am too handsome and successful to be alone. I told myself that I would start being more open about this but it’s still a part of me that gets uneasy because ultimately no one wants to be rejected or put out there as being thirsty.

  12. I think I’ve read this post about five times now, and I definitely hear where you’re coming from, Jamari Fox. I have a few questions. Let me start by saying all the men I’m referring to below are Black/Latin/Blatino.

    Are you looking for wolves–gay/bi/DL–men to be attracted to you on sight? Are these men you might want to hook up with? Date? Or just have the experience of them wanting you? I ask without judgment or criticism.

    Also, did you attend any of the LGBTQIA pride events last month? I ask, because I can say that even though I am boo’d up and climbing that age ladder, and though I think of myself as modestly attractive, I was getting attention from men, some older, some my age, some in the 20s and 30s, at some of the events. Did no one show you any love at World Pride? Or other events? Or the club? I mean, there were lots of dudes just scoping out each other, and not all were giving face, body, etc., outside the Stonewall and all through the Village on the Friday and Saturday before World Pride. It was almost like being back in 1990s NYC.

    I think you’ve mentioned you’re in the City. Do you never experience men cruising you on the trains? In stores? Sometimes all it takes is a little gaydar and a look. Gyms, public events (the recent Soul Summit dance in Brooklyn), etc. all bring the men out. Sometimes other men, particularly gay men, can tell if a person is closed off a bit for self-protection. Of course you have to be careful about homophobes, gay-bashers, etc, but in NYC at least, I also think a lot of men out there are open–to all kinds of things. Pulling an ODBJr. or Bienaime style wolf is one thing. But there many other kinds of (attractive) bruthas outthere. And they may be keying on you without you noticing it.

  13. I think about this everyday as a 22 year old who’s never been in a relationship. As others said when you adopt heteronormative mannerisms (which is a means of survival for gay men) – that can easily deter men from approaching you. Nobody is going to try and talk to you when they think you are straight. As much as I hate to say it, we aren’t women. We don’t have that luxury of finding a man just by walking out your front door. When gays want to get into relationships we gotta put ourselves out there. If you don’t frequent gay spaces that often then that also may play a part. I’m a shy person so the last thing I’d ever want to do is attend any social setting on my own. I just get all kinds of anxiety. I live in a very big city so Pride was just around the corner and was attended by 1 million people here. I wanted to go but didn’t want to go on my own. I attended Pride 2 years ago but I went as an “overseer” so rather than standing around and having fun I was just walking past everyone so they didn’t assume I was there for the event. It was my way of attending pride without attending. It looked fun & was full of potential men. Also I’m not exactly “out out” so that crippling feeling of being spotted there also played in my mind (which I hate but it did). I’m on instagram which is cool but I’m not into any of the guys who DM me.

    I would prefer to meet a man the old fashioned way in real life settings rather than online because I like the natural feeling of being in the presence of somebody who doesn’t know anything about you (unlike Instagram) but still takes an interest in you. I’m also very selective on the kind of men who I’d want to date which probably plays a part. I’ve never been into any of the guys who have pursued me in the past. I’m very big on following my gut & not settling so I guess that plays a part also. I have a few industry friends and I joke with all the time about hooking me up with a baller/artist/VIP person haha. But I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s about putting yourself out there. If you live a “discreet” life then you are going to have to make more of an effort.

    I need more gay friends to go out with thats all. I already have a few but I’m talking about good Judy’s. The ones you go out with to social settings. I tend to go out (sporadically) when I’m with some friends who like going out.

    1. Also to add – I am a 6’4 black man with an athletic body. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never be approached that way out in public anyway (outside of a gay setting). You gotta be bold as hell to do so. Whenever I’m approached by women it’s when I’m having a good time with my friends at straight clubs because I’m smiling & look approachable. When I go to gay clubs I get stared by many but approached by a few. I’m not the best at eye contact or picking up on social cues either. I was once in a sauna & I was getting followed by some guys and didn’t even notice until I was told. I will say that I do always get approached whenever I go to a gay club – whether it’s a compliment or somebody grabbing me/trying to get my number.

  14. Judging by the men posted on here it seems like many guys here fawn over those tall, muscular guys with tattoos who have loads of followers on the gram. Do you guys really think those are the type of men to APPROACH anybody? Lol. They want to be approached! Hence why they all try to live off their looks. If you spend that much effort into your appearance I’m sure you’re going to want to gain some type of interest out of it. The last thing you’re going to do is approach some random dude out in public when you’re probably used to getting hit on and already have options (whether it be instagram, Grindr etc).

    It’s all about mutual connection. You gotta put as much effort in as the other guy.

  15. OMG mercury Retrograde has had me feeling all types of depressed about this very issue! I thought it was just me to be honest, and it has had me so down in the dumps because I believed that, once I “came out,” everything would fall into place. I live in a big city, am solidly handsome, successful, young and well educated. I feel like I’d be a great catch but for the past year or so my dating experience has been so dry and it’s really taken a hit at my self esteem. I have no luck on the apps, am too afraid of rejection to approach guys in public, and am also kinda picky on top of that. I’ve accepted that a lot of my lackluster love life may be my fault but it still hasn’t stopped me from feeling hopeless depressed and lonely at my inability to meet quality dating prospects.

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