“why do you keep doing that blog then?
if you feel like no one takes you seriously,
it’s okay to want to end it…”
that’s what the pretty vixen told me yesterday…
before you drag her,
we were having a conversation.
i was telling her how i felt about a few thing.
i imagine most folks,
especially ones in art,
have felt like this.
in a popcorn society as the one we live in,
you can be thrown to the trash pretty quickly.
if you don’t “say the right things” all the time,
you’re dragged and ended.
if you don’t lie and play “perfect”,
all while being a deceptive hyena/jackal,
you’re “too emotional” and “being too open”.
i feel saying folks feel comfortable being lied too.
i guess that’s why we have trump in office.
i still have supporters in the foxhole,
but i don’t know where or what the future holds for me.
i want to count my losses and give it up,
but i feel like i would die if i couldn’t express myself to the foxhole.
i have been struggling to keep it together.
it really stemmed from the pain i was in.
the shock of falling in a tub,
and having to continue on like it never happened.
that seems to be the book title for in my life.
Continuing on like nothing happened.”
that pain is pretty much gone now.
i haven’t felt it in my side since yesterday.
that pain has transferred to a sharp pain in my stomach now.
it’s on-top of my belly button.
but i haven’t thrown up and my stool is normal.
if it’s not one thing,
it’s the next.
this all made me think about how life can change.
you’re on top of the world.
you’re happy doing what you love and reaching so many lives.
something happens and you’re back to square one.
you’re injured physically or emotionally.
it heightens your sense of need and lack.
i imagine what many artists who don’t get top tens anymore.
baller wolves who have been hurt and can’t play any longer.
that feeling of “what’s next?” and “silence” is louder than any bell.
i feel lonely and emotionally needy like i never had before.
the holidays are especially tough this year.
friends are traveling or too wrapped up in new “love”.
i’m looking at you karaoke.
i’m going through it and i’m trying to hold it together.
i don’t know what to do anymore.
they expect you to be a strong black male.
you have to be this warrior whose emotions are like concrete.
when you add “gay” between that,
you have to be a hyper-sexual creature who has to wake up flawless.
it’s a fight to take your rightful place and be taken seriously.
What if you’re running out of fight?
what happens next?
lowkey: if i bottle this up inside,
it’ll kill me.
i need to get it out.
even though this is for vixens,
i call SUPER FACTS with this video: