The Dark At The End of the Blogging Tunnel

“why do you keep doing that blog then?
if you feel like no one takes you seriously,
it’s okay to want to end it…”

that’s what the pretty vixen told me yesterday…

before you drag her,
we were having a conversation.
i was telling her how i felt about a few thing.
i imagine most folks,
especially ones in art,
have felt like this.
in a popcorn society as the one we live in,
you can be thrown to the trash pretty quickly.
if you don’t “say the right things” all the time,
you’re dragged and ended.
if you don’t lie and play “perfect”,
all while being a deceptive hyena/jackal,
you’re “too emotional” and “being too open”.
i feel saying folks feel comfortable being lied too.
i guess that’s why we have trump in office.
i still have supporters in the foxhole,
but i don’t know where or what the future holds for me.
i want to count my losses and give it up,
but i feel like i would die if i couldn’t express myself to the foxhole.

i have been struggling to keep it together.
it really stemmed from the pain i was in.
the shock of falling in a tub,
getting hurt,
and having to continue on like it never happened.
that seems to be the book title for in my life.

“Jamari Fox…
Continuing on like nothing happened.”

 hmm.
that pain is pretty much gone now.
i haven’t felt it in my side since yesterday.
that pain has transferred to a sharp pain in my stomach now.
it’s on-top of my belly button.
slight nausea,
but i haven’t thrown up and my stool is normal.
tmi,
i know.
if it’s not one thing,
it’s the next.

this all made me think about how life can change.
one minute,
you’re on top of the world.
you’re happy doing what you love and reaching so many lives.
the next,
something happens and you’re back to square one.
you’re injured physically or emotionally.
it heightens your sense of need and lack.
i imagine what many artists who don’t get top tens anymore.
baller wolves who have been hurt and can’t play any longer.
that feeling of “what’s next?” and “silence” is louder than any bell.

i feel lonely and emotionally needy like i never had before.
the holidays are especially tough this year.
friends are traveling or too wrapped up in new “love”.
i’m looking at you karaoke.
i’m going through it and i’m trying to hold it together.
i don’t know what to do anymore.
they expect you to be a strong black male.
you have to be this warrior whose emotions are like concrete.
when you add “gay” between that,
you have to be a hyper-sexual creature who has to wake up flawless.
it’s a fight to take your rightful place and be taken seriously.

What if you’re running out of fight?

what happens next?

lowkey: if i bottle this up inside,
it’ll kill me.
i need to get it out.
even though this is for vixens,
i call SUPER FACTS with this video:

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “The Dark At The End of the Blogging Tunnel

  1. J, this post spoke to me of what I am feeling during this season. I feel guilty and selfish at times for having these types of feelings because I am so blessed in other areas of my life. I hate my job but it has afforded me to be able to get on my feet financially and have good credit. For many of us, when we dont have a strong emotional connection to anyone it throws us off balance and it is so hard to find that connection in the gay world. I have only a few gay friends that I deal with and even with that it is on a limited basis, I mostly hang out now with family but I still miss having a strong emotional connection with another Black Gay man whether it be romantic or just a strong friendship. Like you, I lost my Star Fox friendship when I was very young and it has been hard for me to find that friendship connection again. I hate this time of the year and just try to push thru until Spring rolls back around. I would encourage you to push thru and keep going, you have been thru too much to give up now. Just know that so many of us need this forum it has literally changed my life and at times, I can go so far as to say it has saved my life emotionally. That video of the young lady really spoke to me as well.

  2. I feel what you’re going through Jamari, a lot of us on here do. It’s not easy being a gay black male but especially if you’re not the “ on the scene, social media gay with a popping social life and countless opportunities for love and friendships” type. Like tajan says above I don’t have many friends besides two ( one being female) and that connection of knowing what’s it’s like to be black and gay and a lot of times Loney I get from my one friend who I rarely see and the foxhole( thank god).

    There are times about everyday I feel invisible and unworthy of love, because I compare myself to others and see it so easy for them. I know this beyond stupid but I have female friends and see how simple it is for them to get hollered at (in this straight world we live in) by countless guys on a regular. Where I work is basically a dick and pussy show with the straights hooking up and flirting on the regular EVERYDAY. When you’re loney and depressed about your own situation being in the kind of environment doesn’t help at all.

    I was explaining to my new good female friend my woes with my love life and such and she said I have to GO OUT TO BE SEEN. Before she could finish I had to stop her because I knew where she was going with her thoughts. It’s expected of me being a gay guy that I have to go out and SEARCH for a pineapple. I have to go to the gay club, bar, area and as someone who can be a wall flower it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I explained to her that as a female ( and a pretty one at that) she doesn’t have to try or put in effort like the advice she was giving me.

    The only place where I feel truly accepted is here in the foxhole, I’ve said it before this blog is a safe haven for a lot of us. I come on here everyday and while I don’t get a chance to comment as much as I would like your work doesn’t go by unnoticed. I don’t want to see you go because I think you need this safe space as much as the readers do. If you feel you need to take a prolonged break I get it, as a creative it can be frustrating to not see your work bring the results you know you’re worth of.

  3. In total agreement with the Foxes above, I would add that your creative output may need to have its wellspring refreshed and recharged, and that taking as much of break as you stand from the work you have done with/through this blogg seems be definetly in order. The world is gonna keep on spinning baby, so take some time for you to get refreshed, re-aligned, and regenerated for this is what Winter is about in Nature.

    Also, if you don’t mind, I would recommend some winter reading: Dreams of Isis by Normandi Ellis. Yep, it’s chocked full of esoteric goodness, however, the portion that may speak to you are the chapters dealing with wandering and captivity of the Goddess before She gave birth, before She became Almighty. It helped me during the decade of my 30s..especially the Scorpions. I believe its different enough and outre enough to both give that fertile mind of yours some good sh*t to consider and provide some good storytelling to entertain you as you continue your convolescence.

    Other than being a greatly valued and much respected Online Safe Space for many dwellers and denizens of the Urban Forests, I would remind you- as others undoubtedly will- that your stewardship of this portion of the Forest has marked you as considerable Tastemaker (when it comes to the Wolves) and Trendsetter ( as related to navigating these Woods). These Forests and Wolves are gonna be here; but Good Shepherds and Wise Foxes are more precious and more worthy of our time and attention…you have been such, believe that!

    Anyway, take a break..get outta here..scramm! Take care of you for your own sake.

    Wishing you a clearer, smoother path of Happiness, Success, and Fulfillment in the Year to come, Blessings!

  4. ( My comment is in regards to romantic male energy) I have a very specific ideal of what the perfect man is and should be for me, but that has led me to be in a place where I unfortunately judge and grade any potential suitor by that strict criteria. It’s unfair that I do this because the men that I’m judging have no idea what my ideal man is, so they are unaware that even them saying hello is a turn off. What I had to do was shift my thinking and realize that I may never get my ideal. I am 36 years old and I did not want to reach 40 being alone. So what I decided to do was take bits and pieces of my ideal and grade men not on the total package but on certain criteria from that full list of my ideal. That opened up a pool of potential guus which are not half bad. In fact, I’m simultaneously falling for two of them for two very different reasons. I would never encountered these men if I had stayed closed off. People want to connect with people, and people who haven’t been deemed beautiful for society’s standards want to play in the circle too. I’ve finally allowed them access. Meeting people doesn’t have to be intimidating and awkward. Good vibes is just that; good vibes!

  5. I feel this post so much when I’m dealing w/ any sort of project that has to do with others & I’m just not feeling well or I’m tired or just drained.

  6. Dear Jamari and fellow readers. What you all are experiencing is simply being human. Just like this season will pass so will your current feelings of remorse and sadness. Life is so amazing that Change ( its the only constant ) For each of you I believe that Change will bring happiness and resolve. Please ride this out for it is your testimony to share with others who will entrust in you and in return Like I am doing now you will give them hope . I love you all

  7. Jamari, you and the foxhole have sustained me for years. I don’t just say that – it’s fact. It’s been the only place at times where I could go and feel understood – by just being – and not having to prove anything. One of the greatest things that I have learned here – is that we must love ALL of ourselves abd ALL of one another – we can’t cherry-pick the good and leave the bad – we must love the sum of all of the parts. The good, the bad, the dark, the light, what’s beautiful and what’s ugly – because it’s ALL of who we are that makes us WHO we are. I love ALL of you – ALL of you.

  8. Dear fox,
    I love your honesty and rawness. Thats what’s makes this blog so special. I am in agreement with everyone else about taking a break. You need to unburden yourself. The only thing I would suggest is announcing a timeline of when you might be back. I would hate for you to lose readers of this blog because people don’t know if or when you decide to return.

  9. At 33 years old, I have learned something: God places you in situations where you must learn a lesson on life. I have been the one to always learn the hard way and that is why I can say that I’m a hardheaded son of a bitch. I never learn my lesson. But now I’ve learned and accept. I accept that God didn’t make me to be a goldenchild but to be a testimony. I’ve learned that through my trials and tribulations I’ve become stronger. I was so worried about not having a job that i forgot why I’m in this predicament in the first place. I also was telling myself or thinking how i dont have any friends because they are into some bullshit and I’m not. Its cool because I’m learning how to first and foremost love myself. That’s all.

  10. Hm. I’ve read each of these posts…Interesting…🤔 I really don’t know what else to add or if I could (since I don’t date.) The only thing I get is the occasional desire for sex, but that’s human nature.

    I guess I can shift it towards feeling inadequate in other spectrums of my life. Personally, as of now, I have a headstrong attitude. I picked this up again a few days ago, planning on heading into 2018 very powerful. I’m starting the year with a bam, a bang and a boom. Thinking positive and attracting the life and things I want for me. I am in control and it is up to me to speak the power of positive energy and blessings into existence!

    I ask that you find yourself a quiet place and let it be know that this will be your year, you will accept all the good…and even the bad because the “bad” only helps you grow stronger and that is an achievement. It fuels the good.

    Take the time to be grateful for all the things around you in 2018. Pay attention to your surroundings. Rejoice in your senses every morning, while you still have them. You can breath, you can see, you can move… but most importantly, you can feel. Feel the positive energy flow into you soul, inhale and exhale…release. Never forget that just by opening your eyes, you have been given a little grace and another day of hope. Another chance.

    Become the beacon for positive energy. Become the magnet for all positive things around you.

    You are in control of your life.

    The year of 2018 will lay down its tracks just like the year before it and just like the year to follow.

    The question is, are you ready to enter into the field and race towards the finish line? The only way to do that is to move forward and the most important step is wanting to do. 😉

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