i’m going to get down on my knees for this entry.
even when things don’t work out,
we don’t give ourselves grace for simply trying.
something inside urged me to give grace today.
here is my current truth…
On days I am feeling depressed af,
I still get out of bed and try.
Even if I speak to nobody that day,
I still got out of bed and did something.
Whether it is writing,
light exercise,
or choosing to do nothing.
No drugs or alcohol are holding me back.
I’m still fighting a long war with depression and anxiety,
but I am finally conquering the battle I would have lost years before.
I kinda of want to see where this is all gonna go tbh.
What is God’s plan for me?
As I have tried to get more income,
I have gotten rejected by a ton of sponsors.
It made me feel like I wasn’t worth it and a failure.
I won’t lie and font that it didn’t make me feel terrible.
As much as it unlocked my fear of rejection,
I didn’t stop putting The Foxhole out there.
There are folks IRL that underestimate and make me feel unwelcomed.
For some,
it’s probably because I am gay.
For others,
it’s probably whatever lack their inner demons torment them with.
For many years,
I tried to make everyone see that I was a good and worthy person.
I begged to sit at their tables for only a second.
On today’s date,
they can go fuck themselves because I’m over trying to impress them.
I’m starting to see they aren’t worthy to sit at MY TABLE.
Last month,
I put myself out there with a wolf that I have been in love with.
For many years,
I felt drawn to him even though I was out here living my life.
It didn’t help I kept seeing signs of him damn near everywhere.
So why not,
right?
Instead of wishing and praying he would contact me as I always do,
I decided to put myself out there and contact him.
I got ignored and it fucked with me for weeks.
I felt OD regret like why did I do this?
I should have stayed in my comfort zone.
I put myself out there,
got ignored,
but I still did something I never would have done 10 years ago.
For that,
I am giving myself an A with participation points.
It seems like everything I have been trying to do,
accomplish,
or start has rejected me this last year.
I have put myself out there and have been met with a wall.
It made me feel like giving up but I won’t.
I am still going to try and fight.
All I ever wanted to be was loved and accepted.
These days,
I am loving myself and recognizing that I am enough.
Finally.
There are days I feel like I’m not doing enough on The Foxhole.
I recognize that I’m doing this all alone and doing a damn good job.
From writing,
responding,
and trying to make lemonade out of a pile of lemons.
Anyone who feels like I’m not doing enough probably isn’t a good person.
Many of my readers feel like I am doing more than enough.
I can’t speak for the other bloggers/influencers but I am doing MY best.
so that is my testimony for this final week of august.
this summer wasn’t what i thought it would be tbh.
i am being tested but i’m still here.
that adds more points to my strength and resilience.
I am so sorry and wish I could take your pain. I promise you that it will get better and that you are on the correct path. Time will lead you to life that is “Golden ” and “Prosperous”. Take a left turn instead of right and connect with others that you normally wouldn’t, and you will expose yourself to pleasant surprises.
Start viewing this world as “Yours” and that you do have the capability to conquer anything !!!
So much love!
^thank you bib!
🙏💛🙏4🦊🙏💛🙏
And all who struggle.
^ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
This hit me this early morning and I feel you 💯 I think all of us go through forms of rejection even though we feel like the solo bad apple in the box. There are a lot of people on this planet. Some are cool af while others… well we already know from our experiences in the past. Learn, grow and develop. That’s my motto chile. So that way when you do end up meeting the one and only him things will go accordingly. This was a great personal intro Mari. Feeling like you’re worthless and “not good enough” relates to a lot of us as depression leads to thinking the absolute worst about yourself. You have to set yourself as a high standard knowing that you are someone who deserves to be happy.
^love this and thank you!
i’m glad this spoke to everyone!
it came to my spirit and i had to share!
Hug Hug 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿. I’m glad you’ve posted this because I’m going through the exact same thing( giving yourself grace). Just know that there’s nothing wrong with you . We love , respect and appreciate you. We all go through this. The only thing we can go is honor all parts of us the good and the bad ( because self love is always first and foremost).
To be transparent I’ve been sheltering myself off from the world due to I never felt I deserved good in my life due to mistakes I have made in my past. Deep down I knew I was a good person but now couldn’t understand why I made bad choices. I carried that over my head for years and beating myself over it. I’ve allowed other people’s perceptions of me to make me feel worse about myself. I’m slowly realizing that I have to let go and heal from my past and realize that I’m not perfect. I’m flawed and I’m a good person. You cannot allow those things ( mistakes to define you). We all want to be not just only love and appreciates but also respected. I also know stepping out of your comfort zone is scary but if you don’t step out you’ll never what you can or cannot do. You’ll never know your strengths. Always know that there are people who are ready to live on you and give you big hugs and uplift you.
^that is how i was!
therapy really helped me reframe how i was thinking.
we have to ask ourselves what are the facts or is it emotion-based thinking?
i hope you are able to find your way through the dark tunnel and thank you for the love!