stop hiding behind gender identity!

dating is hard as it is for everyone,
especially gay males.
everyone thinks it’s easy to jump on an app and find love.
that might be true because i know a few that have,
but it’s the same process as looking for a job.
you gotta fill out a lot of applications and interviews before the one.
who is to say the job is what you expected once you are onboarded?

Imagine meeting someone but they never told you they transitioned from female to male?

that was a recent post i saw on reddit that i wanted to share.
it was titled,
stop hiding behind gender identity“…

if you can’t see what was posted:

… before I get downvoted to oblivion, please take the time to read my post. Throw away for obvious reasons!

I (gay 28M) have been “dating”, if you can call it that, for the last 5 or so years since becoming comfortable with my sexual identity. While I’m not outwardly gay, if anyone asks or hints I’ll be open and honest about it, although most people I tell are normally shocked.

I use the typical apps for gay men, with varying luck, but I’ve recently been looking for something more than just a causal hookup – pretty hard as a gay man – as that seems to be what most guys are interested in, but that’s a different issue.

I met a guy, around my age, he was hot, shared my interests, and we got on really well over text on the app, he explained that he wanted to take things slow as he had been burnt in the past, and that was totally fine with me. Over the last 3 months we have been meeting up almost weekly, going for dinner, to the cinema, etc. everything was going really well! I have a good job, and he was between roles for a month, so I pretty much paid for everything, which I was more than happy to do.

Last night however, after coming back from dinner to my place, he wanted to take things a little further. As he stripped, I was shocked. He revealed his vagina.

I won’t lie, I handled it poorly. I threw up all over my own bed… literally threw up… ever since I was a teenager the look of a vagina has made me physically sick, and that, along with some alcohol and the shock, just caused me to lose my dinner. Obviously caused a bit of friction – I asked him to redress, and said I needed to replace my bedsheets – it would be best if he left. He left with no argument.

I felt devastated and betrayed. We’d talked about gay vs bi and preferences, but never once had he mentioned that he did not have male genitalia, which based on our conversations, it was clear that was what I was looking for, but instead, I was strung along..

I’ve had a few texts and voicemails from him and some abuse from some of his friends on Snapchat this morning calling me transphobic, but that’s far from the truth, I just feel betrayed.

He keeps telling me love is more than genitals, and while I agree in principle, how can someone love someone when they are repulsed by a defining factor of their sexual life? I know it’s not the same, but it’s like finding out your partner has a really dark past – like murder, it’s just something you can’t look past, or at least that’s how I feel.

To anyone in the same situation, please don’t hide behind your gender identity, be honest with your partner from day one!

one thing lacking with many is telling the truth when dating.
it’s like we do at jobs.
we go through the probationary period and once we pass that,
we start slowly showing who we are.
i think thats society as a whole nowadays.

We are accepted for our lies than being real about our truths.

regardless of how hot that trans wolf was,
they still lied and led someone on.
they aren’t being transphobic.
i feel like people don’t know what “phobic” means.

It’s like a straight male dating a vixen to find out they are trans with a dick.

It’s like a vixen dating a male,
expressing her desire to have kids,
only for it to be revealed she was dating a trans wolf.

i don’t care if it’s “just as good” or “settle for that instead“.
be upfront and see if it’s kosher with someone else.
if i order meat at a restaurant,
don’t bring me fish and tell me i’m “fishphobic” because i wanted steak.
don’t get me wrong,
i love fish but i ordered meat because that’s what i desire.
bring me my steak and make it well done.
if not then:

Is that wrong?

cc reddit: here

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

13 thoughts on “stop hiding behind gender identity!”

  1. The person who posted this is quite awful and there’s so much nuance to this I also feel like this is kind of one-sided and I need to see what the other person had to say as well but this boogeyman of trans people just serial dating cis people and not disclosing and apparently “traumatizing” them by not having certain genitals it doesn’t add up and honestly this person is awful and I wish nothing but the absolute worst for them. Tbh I really don’t believe this story is real the classic trope of a gay man being oh so “disgusted” and traumatized by the mere sight of a vagina iono it sounds like a cis het probably a woman trying to use a pseudo queer perspective to drum up more transphobia in an already tumultuous time for them and it always the same tired ass dating story like damn people need some lipgloss cause mouths gotta be crusty talking bout the same shit all the time. I call bs and a lifetime of left swipes for them.

  2. So what if someone doesn’t disclose? Who cares? I’m not interested in a trans man, but if I got catfished by one, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Move on.

  3. It is a tran’s person’s business if they want to disclose. Maybe they’re like me and don’t hookup. But when it comes to the sexual act, it..should be disclosed beforehand. IN PUBLIC. Not only for their safety, but it’s disrespectful to spring that on someone without saying something. And the trans man is also childish and immature. Why are your friends harassing this man? Like, go find you some business. I would get a restraining order.

  4. Jamari, don’t fall for the okey doke.

    Trans lesbians(assigned male at birth, transitioned to female) and date lesbians call lesbians transphobic.

    Trans gay men (assigned female at birth, transitioned to male) and date gay men, call gay men transphobic.

    How would this be different from me saying a hetero man is homophobic for not wanting to sleep with me?

    For all of the transwomen being murdered, the discourse over bathrooms, comparing trans people to pedophiles, you’d think they would focus on basic human rights and protecting themselves…

    and not acting desperate.


    They say never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn’t want you.

    If you are trans and want to date someone and your genitalia…LITERALLY GOES AGAINST THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION…..that’s life.

    There are pansexual people who would love to date them and PLENTY of gay men or lesbians who’d be open to trying.

    Find them and stop harassing people who cannot change their orientation to have sex with you.

    That’s why it’s called “bromance”. Because guys can experience closeness without having sex.

    That’s why women can go to the bathroom together and watch each other undress. Because women can experience closeness without having sex.

    Someone can fall for your soul, personality, heart…but if you’re not compatible down there…that is life.

    If I were a gay trans man, I’d have FTM on my bio.

    This person was wrong. They should have explained WHY they were burned and used that as a segueway into being trans. Then it could have been discussed.

    How dare you spring that on somebody and call them transphobic?

    If we don’t want trans to be called a “mental illness”, then start acting with some freaking logic!

    This is why when people say they want to distance from the T, I sort of get it. Like how are you sexually harassing people that don’t want you and think that’s okay?????

  5. This is trash to do to someone. No matter how you identify, you have a responsibility to share what genitalia you have with anyone who’s interested. I don’t like that trans people hide behind transphobia when they lie about who they are. If you’re ftm you should give that detail immediately. And people are allowed to not be attracted to you because you don’t have the desired genitalia. Not disclosing that info is how a lot of our trans brothers and sisters end up dead.

    1. Ok!! I’m ready to buss down both plates with a beer. #cheatmeal

    2. I’m ready to be Khia and eat knowing my teeth strong and wont end up like Suki.

  6. I call bullshit, first on you forever finding the time to paint any trans individual in a bad light and secondly for this person obviously NOT reading. There’s no way on a gay hookup app that that person didn’t reveal their identity and you telling me you talking to someone for three months and don’t ask for a single pic?! A shirtless pic alone could tell you if someone is a trans-man. This person choose to be ignorant.

    1. ^ “he was hot” sounds like he saw what the person looked like as well as them dating for 3 months.

      or maybe i misread?

    2. Not true. It’s called top surgery and can be indistinguishable from a man’s natural pecs. Also, the average nude is from the navel down, focusing on bulge or print. And it’d be easy to stuff and say you don’t send nudes and only do thirst traps.

      I saw a person’s bulge on their bio yesterday and when I clicked on it, they had themselves listed as a trans woman. The picture was from the abs down. I sent the picture to my friend(another gay man( and he agreed he also wouldn’t have known.

    3. Not necessarily because some of their surgical marks are hidden with muscles. You could only tell by asking to see the dick, I mean 3 months, if you haven’t seen each other naked, that’s yo fault. Its nothing wrong with seeing the person you trying to have a relationship with naked. If you can’t have a connection that doesn’t include sex, then u not compatible. That’s just a sex partner.

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