Straight up, this weekend has been a disaster.
I have NEVER been home like this for a Memorial Day weekend.
It was either cookouts, work (when I did retail), or meeting up with some Wolf.
This year was PAINFULLY different.
It started out with some things to do but it ended with the usual mix of loneliness and depression.
Why oh why oh why…
This Memorial Day Weekend has been one of false promises, cancelled plans, and no plans.
No cookouts or extravagant events.
Right about now, I wish I was in Miami on South Beach.
(add rapper or baller friends to the mix and that would be my fantasy)
Even if they were straight as arrows, I would still be enjoying myself.
Being somewhere new and making new connections and meeting new people.
But, alas, it has been me cleaning my crib and just day dreaming of when I use to have fun.
What happened to me?
Has being hurt and betrayed by recent “friends” made me scared to meet new ones?
I guess the truth is hard to accept, huh?
Truthfully, I have never felt more lonely in my entire life.
Made me almost bust out in tears when I looked around and saw that I had no one to call.
This year has been tough for me in all ways.
Health wise, my allergies decided to show their ass and have me assed out.
I never had it that bad before but as soon as spring hit, I was sprung on my ass.
Friend-wise… everyone either hates each other, I hate them, or the rest went to other states and countries.
Wolf-wise… well that is another story for another entry.
2011 has not been kind to Jamari Fox emotionally.
I just don’t get it.
I did end up going to the movies earlier with one friend who did think of me this weekend.
As I was there, I watched so many Wolves that were +1.
They were with Vixens who were enjoying their arm candy for the weekend.
I looked my best today and I was coming back to this empty ass apartment alone.
Not exactly “exciting” for a Fox who should have a lot going on.
Maybe this is just a period in my life that feels like rock bottom?
Or, maybe this is when I turn this around and try to rise?
Or maybe I have a curse on me?
Or maybe… I don’t even know.
Tired of thinking about the whys and what should I dos.
Sad thing is, there are a couple thousand Foxes who are going through the same thing.
Maybe they had so many outings this weekend or maybe they were home.
Either way, they were lonely.
I know I am not alone, but you can count on me to be honest and vocal.
Cause I have been feeling type fragile and frightened…
….and I don’t think I have anyone to turn too…
So I guess I hit bottom..
where is the ladder I am suppose to climb?