In Memorial Of The Social Life I Use To Have

Straight up, this weekend has been a disaster.

I have NEVER been home like this for a Memorial Day weekend.
It was either cookouts, work (when I did retail), or meeting up with some Wolf.
This year was PAINFULLY different.
It started out with some things to do but it ended with the usual mix of loneliness and depression.

Why oh why oh why…

This Memorial Day Weekend has been one of false promises, cancelled plans, and no plans.
No cookouts or extravagant events.
Right about now, I wish I was in Miami on South Beach.
(add rapper or baller friends to the mix and that would be my fantasy)
Even if they were straight as arrows, I would still be enjoying myself.
Being somewhere new and making new connections and meeting new people.
But, alas, it has been me cleaning my crib and just day dreaming of when I use to have fun.
What happened to me?
What changed?
Has being hurt and betrayed by recent “friends” made me scared to meet new ones?
I guess the truth is hard to accept, huh?
Truthfully, I have never felt more lonely in my entire life.
Made me almost bust out in tears when I looked around and saw that I had no one to call.

This year has been tough for me in all ways.

Health wise, my allergies decided to show their ass and have me assed out.
I never had it that bad before but as soon as spring hit, I was sprung on my ass.
Friend-wise… everyone either hates each other, I hate them, or the rest went to other states and countries.
Wolf-wise… well that is another story for another entry.

2011 has not been kind to Jamari Fox emotionally.
I just don’t get it.

I did end up going to the movies earlier with one friend who did think of me this weekend.
As I was there, I watched so many Wolves that were +1.
They were with Vixens who were enjoying their arm candy for the weekend.
I looked my best today and I was coming back to this empty ass apartment alone.
How fun!

Not exactly “exciting” for a Fox who should have a lot going on.
Maybe this is just a period in my life that feels like rock bottom?
Or, maybe this is when I turn this around and try to rise?
Or maybe I have a curse on me?
Or maybe… I don’t even know.
Tired of thinking about the whys and what should I dos.

Sad thing is, there are a couple thousand Foxes who are going through the same thing.
Maybe they had so many outings this weekend or maybe they were home.
Either way, they were lonely.
I know I am not alone, but you can count on me to be honest and vocal.
Cause I have been feeling type fragile and frightened…
….and I don’t think I have anyone to turn too…

So I guess I hit bottom..
where is the ladder I am suppose to climb?

…and I’m so over it.

19 thoughts on “In Memorial Of The Social Life I Use To Have

  1. Can relate also Jamari. I dont have any bfs or friends i hang out with besides my sis so im usually on my own. This weekend all i was hearing bout was miami sizzle too lol. Didnt go just stayed home played video games. Its not so bad but sometimes you do need a friend

  2. God knows I know exactly how you’re feeling, except I was going through it for years. I went from having a huge circle of friends to having zero. I can’t think of a fate worse than feeling alone in the world. I used that time of isolation to really think about who I am, what I want out of life, and what I want out of future relationships (both romantic & friendships). I’m still going through it, but I must say I no longer fear being alone to the point that I’ll accept parasitic relationships.

  3. #whoisjamarifox :
    I know.
    Can’t believe it has been like 2 years.
    The best part is the growth and understanding we both come to see within ourselves and our content.
    I’m grateful for you and your blog sir!

    Likewise! You keep me motivated to keep writing. Its important to remain authentic. I think blogging brings a voice to those readers who don’t know how to put their lives into words. It allows for a a better understanding that we’re all going through the same situations with the same feelings. I think that’s comforting to know…

    1. And the best part,
      We show a real side with ourselves.
      No facade.
      I may post about dudes, entertainment, and sex but like today, I also go thru real things that people can relate with.
      And what made me smile is I got comments from real people who do not know me in real life.
      Sometimes, you need those words that can help you lift your head up and see thru the clouds.

  4. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to go anywhere like bars n shit alone. Some prefer to always go alone, but one can not deny the power of a good crew or the presence of a good friend. and it happens every couple of years..7 to be exact for most. They say that every 7 years we replace half of our friends. So get your spring cleaning on and being at home on this weekend isnt so give these things weight in your life. Sometimes we have fun and some times we just have normal days around the house. its ok to not be doing something round the clock or every time some day rolls around.

    1. i know D.
      but if i heard one more person talk about miami, cancun, atl, a cookout, a white party, or whatever involved being social,
      i was gonna smfh.

      i guess i want it all…
      you are right about the 7 year thing.
      i got rid of some major dead weight in my life these last couple of months.

      i just want more.
      is that wrong?

      1. no wanting more is natural and it can be achieved but these times of SPRING CLEANING where it seems nothing is going on, are really times of reinvention and house cleaning. Youve got to rejuvenate and get back out there. we all have our dormant seasons where we must go into hibernation then reemerge…if we didnt, we would go crazy.

        so go after wanting more, but appreciate the time you have while getting there.

  5. now that i cancelled the pity party,
    this weekend showed me something.
    i guess when you are rock bottom and in the dark,
    you see things a lot more clearly.
    it is funny how things are so negative but when you really look,
    they aren’t so negative at all.

    you did help me see something…

    1. I do what i can. Its all about changing your perspective in order for things in your life to change =).

      Side note: Do you know we’ve been commenting on each others blogs since 2009? It doesn’t even feel like its been that long.

      1. I know.
        Can’t believe it has been like 2 years.
        The best part is the growth and understanding we both come to see within ourselves and our content.

        I’m grateful for you and your blog sir!

  6. well some people WILL get dropped.
    their time in my life has come to an end.
    my empire cannot grow with slackers and kids.

    i’ve never gone anywhere by myself like a lounge or bar…
    …and i won’t lie, it is intimidating as hell.
    i am so use to be being a +1…
    but i’m willing to try it one night this week and see what i come up with.

  7. Go out by yourself. Go to a place.. whether it be a bar, club, lounge, etc… you’ve never been before in the city. I’m sure there are a few places. From there make an effort to introduce yourself to just one person. Could be anyone. Just do it. From there try and enjoy yourself. Dance. Drink. Don’t do what you’ve always done because from what it sounds like… it isn’t working.

    1. it isn’t.
      i’m outgrowing the people i use to be cool with.
      they are all kids mentally.
      i need more… and they aren’t giving it to me.
      so it is time for a new game plan.
      new foundation; new rules.

  8. Jamari remember you are a fox you are cunning, swift, and smart you should never feel frightened and fragile. Jus drink you some jack and smoke a 20 bag of cush and you’ll be fine

    1. LOLOL
      shit, come thru and smoke it with me!

      but seriously,
      just a bad high right now.
      i’ll be good when i re-energize.
      had to vent a little babe.

      1. yea we all get that way especially when you see these ungreatful ass fysh snatchin up the bollers. and i would come through in a min but i stay way in the south soooooo sory =(

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