I’m A Fraud

b0c632e9043ffc60764bc43302fc32b4i been thinking about this for a while.
so i’m a fraud.
ain’t no better time than to be honest

i am caught between missing sex and not really searching for it.
my phone is dry af.
everyone around me is banging their lives out.
me?
i’m living vicariously through these hoe tales.

i am still hurt over work wolf.
it has been four months and i still think about him.
for others,
they would have gotten over it and onto the next.
for me,
i cherish the animals in my life and thought he was special.
he hurt me.

i don’t think i’m an introvert as i assumed i was.
i’m very much an extrovert.
i like being around animals.
i get my energy off them,
but after a while,
i want to be left alone.

i have been loving my quiet time lately.
i have my day 1 animals in my circle,
but i’m cool on staying to myself nowadays.
i don’t want to do anything right now.
i meet so many animals who want me to chill with them,
but i would rather come home and work on the foxhole.

i’m always tired.
like i have no energy.
i take multivitamins daily and i’m still exhausted.
this job is draining my life away.

i catch myself fantasizing about getting good news.
like,
news that will change my life.
winning the lottery.
someone sponsoring my life.
a supernatural blessing that will rock my world.
i find joy in the thought of quitting my job and doing “the dab” out the door.

i’m okay being a side piece.
i get turned on knowing some of you are sneaking to be in the foxhole.
i like that creep life.
i don’t like a lot of attention,
pda is not my thing,
and i need my “me” time so that whole thing works for me.

i’ve been depressed,
but it has been fueling me to be a better fox.
it’s like it’s pushing for productivity.
if i’m ever 100% happy then i won’t be as creative as i am.
i understand what singers talk about.
pain makes the best art.
so i guess this means i can only be happy to a certain limit.

suicide seems like a good idea,
but then i get messages like this last friday:

ok1 ok2…and i realize how fucked up it would be if i did it.
i’m just tired,
but i’m working hard on my happiness.
i don’t want to be suicidal anymore.

i find myself resenting mi every day.
my resentment has been burning like a small flame.
at this point,
it’s a fireplace.
family can be the worst kind of betrayal.
i can’t wait until i got it like that.
i’ll wait until she leaves for work,
have the movers get all my shit,
and be off this.
ghost.
i regret the day i moved her ungrateful ass in my crib.

i’m doing pretty good for someone not addicted to a drug.
i don’t have anything to turn to help me escape but this site.
i’m definitely experiencing life with no anesthesia.

i appreciate the foxholers that speak to me in emails.
i think without their conversations,
i would be in a another side of hell.
thank you for keeping a fox’s sanity in check.

i don’t think anyone will ever love me.
there is a possibility i’ll die alone.
that is one of the other sides of this life.
you may end up without a happy ending.
after the last two foxmails,
i realize i’m not alone either.

giphy-2

lowkey: don’t judge me.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

25 thoughts on “I’m A Fraud

  1. Omg wtf, don’t u realize u r too much work. Dudes b trying figure u out. U too complex. U over analyze every fucking issue/situation. Trying to find meaning for everything. Have you ever tried jus going the moment and not think bout it. I’m into to site but when u discuss your issues or you personal life I can’t read this drama. U create most out it. U make your self too perfect, u can’t do no wrong. Everything is always sum one else’s fault. CHILL!

    1. ^see and thats the problem.
      we are bottling shit up and pretending to be happy.
      all these people who randomly kill themselves weren’t expressing themselves.
      i am letting it all out.
      it helps.
      i’m sorry you don’t like it,
      but it helps me to release.
      there are other things you can comment on.
      let me rock and have my moment.

  2. Ok. Wassup with the therapist?! Did you look for another one yet?
    Please do. When thoughts of suicide enter your mind…that’s not good, even if you never plan to go through with it.
    Depression is a mofo. It ate away at me when my dad passed away and when my best friend (my starfox) passed away.
    I pushed people away and kept to myself a lot. My mom told me I was becoming a different person and that the light had gone from my eyes.
    I went to a psychiatrist and he told me I was depressed. He helped me get back on track. Still not fully whole again, because those two pieces are missing, but I’m in a much better place.

    1. ^star fox death date is coming up in two weeks.
      my spirit has been slowly reminding me.

      i gave up on that therapist thing.
      it was a pain trying to look for one that didn’t conflict with work.
      that book i was reading helped a lot tho.
      it made me take charge in certain things,
      but i have always been depressed and wanting to “end” things.
      i don’t think that will ever go away.
      i wanted to share where i am thought wise right now.

      1. It’s good that you can admit that it even crossed your mind. Not too many can/will do that.
        Keep looking though. I’m sure you can find one that accommodate your schedule.
        They dig deep! LOL

        1. ^they want you to be honest.
          they get mad when you honest and want you to keep it to yourself.
          smh.

          ima admit to it because its real.
          why lie about something like that?
          it helps someone out there struggling as well.

    1. As your “friend ” I will say it’s okay to feel whatever your feeling but you have to make a decision on how you are going to live your life. Most of your pain comes from hoe others make you feel…starfox,work wolf, mi, your parents… at some point you have to decide to be the star of your life and not just a supporting cast to these others. Your happiness is going to come from doing things you like and living the life you want. If mi living with you makes you unhappy come to an agreement on when she leaves and decide if you need to do something to make up the income.

      As far as work wolf he had time and opportunityou to show you what he wants to be in your life..now believe him by his actions and open yourself for people who are 100 times better for you.

      As far as your parents. They loved you the best way they knew how. They either learned it from how they were loved or just thought they were doing the best they could. Either way you are now an adult and it’s time to decide what makes you happy and no one else.

      Live for you and things will become much simpler. In time as you grow in who you are, then you will be string enough to worry about what others think or help them become who they are trying to become

      1. ^thank you tony.
        you know how hard i’ve been working to get to the next level.
        it won’t be easy.
        there will be good days and bad.
        i am honestly “okay”,
        like i can get up in the morning,
        but i am in the mental struggle.
        i am changing ways i’ve been accustomed to and got comfortable with.

      2. I know it’s hard but you have to remind yourself how awesome you are and not let others impact that reality. Things happen …but you come though like a diamond

      3. ^and see thats the thing.
        i felt this entry came from a place of “acceptance”.
        i was being honest and wasn’t on some:

        “i hate life.
        i want to die.
        i’ll spend my day in a hole.”

        this is where my mind is at,
        and the beauty of it,
        i am working to change it to even bigger and better.

      4. Great advice Tony! I concur 100!

        It’s okay to express what you’re going through to get it off your chest, I think that it’s needed, but this is your time now, and you can’t even entertain the thought of suicide at this point. You have to look at the patterns of your recent posts, and realize that something, or even a few things, need to change, and that starts with YOU J! You are not responsible for what people do or say to you, but you ARE responsible for how you respond to it, and you ARE responsible for how you feel, regardless of the impact caused by another person. I’ve been telling you forever that the hard part of depression is the fact that it’s a choice to some degree, even when it feels like it’s not, and you are CHOOSING to stay depressed, CHOOSING to stay in the same rut that is slowing your progress. It’s okay to have bad, or rough days, but it’s become all too common at this point for you. I believe your happiness starts with: 1) figuring out your job situation 2) getting your place to yourself.

        The job thing is more complicated so I would start taking action by dealing with Mi. She needs to go. It’s time J, you’re not in a place to deal with her. You can give her a fair period of time to get her ish together but there needs to be a set deadline for this because it’s hindering your progress. Start with the little things that you have control of and then work on the bigger things like your job situation. Your problems are fixable Jamari, not easy fixes, but fixable. Don’t take this as being overly critical of how you’re feeling but I’m saying this so you can see it from another lens. It might be helpful. I say this from love J!

        I think if you’re having a bad day, keep expressing it on the foxhole, regardless of people who complain, like you said, this is for you more than it is for us, and a big part of the reason people love you is because everyone can relate to what you’re going through through your bravery, honesty and candidness. Not many people have the balls to put themselves out there the way you have. It also acts as a little diary. You can do an experiment and check random posts from this year, and then check posts a few years ago and make comparisons about your mental state, you might see drastic changes that you might have been ignoring. To me it’s clear this job is not healthy for you, mi is not healthy for you, and almost every day is a bad day or rough week. That’s not acceptable! It’s okay for these things to happen, but not okay to not do anything about it once you realize that it’s a toxic pattern/cycle! It’s time for a change! Start with the easy change to get the ball rolling! Mi needs to go!

  3. Hey Jamari, your not alone buddy. I’ve been so depressed dealing with accepting my sexuality, work, and yes no love life. If I was straight I would be getting so much pussy, the dudes I like look at me but not sure how to approach me with my beard game strong now and my resting bitch face. It’s like the straights can be single today and by the weekend have two potentials they are entertaining. Jamari, I honestly think you need to leave your job. You had job offers to be an executive last month from what you wrote and I understand you don’t want to be in the admin field but I think you should take it. One pro would be moving out, and you never know you could meet new friends and maybe a boyfriend there. Also I think you should hang with your friends more on the weekends or after work to keep your mind off the negative things. This could be pushing it but maybe move to another state. Maybe Texas, Cali or where Karoke lives in the country lol. But please try to hang in there and don’t ever give up. You have a lot of people rooting for you that you might not know.

  4. Hey my friend,

    I am not sure how you feel about church or religion. It may be something you have discussed in previous posts, so forgive me if I am redundant or out of line.

    Many people in the 21 century are turning away from the hypocrisy and bigotry in organized religion, but peep this. Religion has existed in some form as long as there have been humans on this planet. It is how we explain the unexplainable. It is also how we mentally deal with those things over which we have no control. No matter what faith, ideology, or doctrine you choose to accept, religion in its purest form has been proven to stabilize the human psyche.

    I’m not saying becoming a fanatic or even that religion has all the answers. I will say this though; going to church and listening to someone who has been gifted to teach and guide people towards understanding and well-being is what keeps me sane. I have been a teacher for almost a decade, but if have working with children for 2 decades. There something to be said for those students who have a faith or belief in something. They tend to be the most grounded and accomplished.

    There will be those who say that the church is not a safe haven for foxes; I beg to differ. We should never demonize or judge whole groups of people for the actions of others. I am aware of some of the glaring inconsistencies in all of the writings deemed “holy”. I have no problem admitting that. Regardless of that, I choose to be a Christian because are only 2 overall tenets: 1) Accept Christ as your Savior 2) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It works for me.

    Although the brother earlier was a bit harsh, truth hurts. I have several “starfoxes” in life, and they keep me grounded as well. With one of them, I have a very open and host relationship. The basis of our friendship is that we push each other to better in all aspects of life. All of our brutally honest conversations start with the same question: If I tell you something, you gone get mad? It is a warning that shyt is about to get real. There have been times that we stopped speaking because it is very difficult to distinguish the messenger from the message. We always make up though.

    My brother, life will do its best to destroy you. How you respond will determine the outcome. First, though, you have to be completely comfortable in your own skin. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Every fox in your realm of influence has been down the work wolf trail in some shape of fashion. It happens; we can’t dwell on it. I may have missed it, but it sounds as if there has been no closer with work wolf. That’s why you are still focused on him. You have two choices: 1) have that last “put it all out there” conversation 2) whenever he pops into your head, force yourself to redirect your thoughts.

    I believe that this life has something in store for you. You are being tempered so that you are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared when your purpose manifests itself.

    I apologize for the length; I teach English. 😀 If you need to talk to someone or simply need another perspective on an issue, don’t hesitate to shoot me.an email.

    I truly appreciate what you do. I hope this helps.

    Peace and Blessings, Brother Fox

  5. I don’t know what to say beside you need a new fresh start tbh. Maybe you should had moved to Florida with Karaoke (I believe). Moved to a nice gated community that is not too far from the beach with a reasonable rent. Work at a beautiful building in Miami with some very attractive ass people. I know it sound crazy, but I always feel good when I work with attractive people, idk why. I just think you need to do something new for your life.

  6. Look at all those negative thoughts you conjured up J. I’m glad you let them out. You just had a negative thought vomit. I guess the day of thinking only positive thoughts didn’t exactly stick. I’m glad you let us know where your mind is at. I personally want to know when your feeling suicidal. I hope you never do something like that to yourself, it’s the worst form of self hatered one could have. I wish you could understand those thoughts in your head are only lies that your history has conditioned you to believe is an option that will bring you peace. I think you feel you are alone in this world, an orphan. You have to build your own family now, it’s daunting and such a massive undertaking, so much work to be put in. It’s why your tired all the time. Your looking for a connection. A disruption from the routine life your living. Work wolf was that disruption for awhile. Positive or negative the drama broght you to life. But realize there is still more life that living will have you experience. Good, bad, indifferent. What a shame it would be to cut the cord right when light was just about to shine down on you.

  7. I totally understand this post and your mindset for it. This site you created is YOUR space to express yourself so it doesn’t matter if you feel like you’re being redundant on an issue. I would rather you let it out on here than feel the need to bottle it up.

    I feel the same way you do, there are times when I’m down and depressed and then there are time I’m just ok, very rarely am I over the moon with joy just ok to get out of bed and do my mundane routine.

    We tend to be very emotional animals and wear our hearts on our sleeve and as much as we want to be tough and ruff and seal stuff offbut we can’t.

    Of course you’re going to have the foxhole concerned about your well-being no one likes the fact that you’re having suicidal thoughts but once again I understand. Nothing would make us more happy for you to be able to get to the place where it doesn’t seem so dark and gloomy but once again sometimes you have to go through those type of days to get to the brighter ones.

    It’s not easy to crave sex and the feeling of wanted it be wanted in that way because as much as we protest we have sexual needs and desires that the hand can’t do. But we’re not just do any Tom, Dick, and Harry mofos we want not just the sex but the whole Enchilada. As much as I want to make a jackd’ account go get this itch scratched I don’t feel like going through the motions and drama of do that.

    I know this might not seem like much because we can’t be physically there with you but you do have friends here in the space you created that you do care a lot about you and you’re wellbeing. Even the ones that give you straight up tough love on here care about you or they wouldn’t even take the time out of their day to comment.

    Here’s to better days and understanding , Nothing but Love.

    1. ^ sorry about all the typos I was typing fast on this phone without proofreading but I hope my point came across to you.

  8. hope you feel better soon – your very talented and have a lot to offer – that work guy was straight and could not love you back

  9. This makes me sad to read to be honest.

    I believe your current state at the moment mostly stems from the work wolf situation. I really thought the two of you would have made amends by now, but it really sounds like it is over. The problem with that is, the closure is not there. Y’all had that argument and you have so many questions, he may as well. You remember what I went through last year. I still hurt from that, no closure is there, and I have had my own relationship for nearly a year now. Just a couple weeks ago, I received a text from him telling me good morning and asking me how I been, and I answered it, but got no response. The other day I asked him why. Well, I got cursed out and told how many times I have been told he never wanted to hear from me again. I kept mentioning to him that he just texted me weeks ago, and it was not even acknowledged in his rants. I blocked him on everything now, and that response from him was my closure. When you would always talk about Work Wolf, I noticed he always deflected the blame towards you, knowing that he actually instigated some of the situations he found himself in with you. Men have the habit of deflecting the blame. He should be blocked in your phone, that is if he is not already. Yes, do it Jamari. You will feel so much better, mostly because you know that the drama is eliminated. I know that is an extreme move considering the friendship you thought you had with him, but look at all the drama he caused. He played with your feelings, you caught him talking about you at some point, and now he cannot even speak to you. I rather you hook up with a man than to deal with him again, and I do not advise or participate in those lol. If he does ever speak to you again, tell him it is not best for you two to be friends. I know I am not the only one who has this opinion about him. You have to find a way to move on without that closure, even though it will be hard.

    Now about the suicide situation. I will be honest, over the years I never have taken you seriously on those. I’ll tell you why. I always thought you cared about yourself too much to end it all. You have so much more you want to achieve regarding your career, wanting a man, and just life in general. I just never actually visualized you doing it. Now my views have changed, mostly because of the disappointments that have come of the hands of other people and their actions. Betrayal can make you not trust people, and you had a good friend in star fox. Even though he cannot be replaced, it would be nice to find a friend who could fill that void, and not just anyone, but someone who you know you can trust and you could express your deepest thoughts to.

  10. There are some great comments here. Please read them. I never even met you in person and I think your great. You will be missed if u left. So don’t . Also, mental health is important. Please make sure u follow up with a therapist. Continue to surround yourself with positive people and things. Pray! And do know like myself we are only a email away. I pray you strength and happiness Jamari 💪🏿💪🏿💪🏿.

  11. Loving yourself is not how you “FEEL” about yourself, It’s about what you DO for yourself. Your spirit was given this body, this identity, to occupy in this life. It is up to you to manage it. Key word MANAGE. Treat yourself like the “talent”. Take care of yourself, push yourself, invest in yourself, manage your public relations, have discipline over your emotions. Every morning, talk to yourself and work within yourself to be the fucking BEST. If you focus on trying to be the best you can in life, and less on how you “feel” through day to day circumstances, your world will change. Life can be treacherous if your emotions govern you too much. Work on your body, go back to school, plan a career step upwards, volunteer to help the sick, build something for others, learn a new skill. Do whatever you would tell someone else to do, if you were dependent on their success.

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