i want to thrive and my crops to be watered again

i want to get back into the law of attraction lifestyle.
when i focused on that for a good period of my life,
i was really seeing the benefits of the universe.

my hair was growing,
my skin was clear,
my crops were watered

a haiku.
now tho...

i don’t know how to do it again.
i remember it was a time when i was happier.
money was coming in,
dick was on call,
and i had a direction in my life.
i feel lost and all i can think about is that.

how do i make money?
am i a loser?
where do i want to be in 5 years?
will i get there?

i think that’s the problem.
i think i have a lack of faith and a huge amount of fear.
i want to change that way of thinking completely.
i’m feeling led to a new direction of thinking again.

ya know,
there are these moments where feel peace wash over me.
i envision me in a nice home or doing something with my career.
sometimes it’s a wolf on top of me,
looking in my eyes,
and kissing me shortly after.
those thoughts make me feel hope for the future.
i hate losing that and going straight to worry again.
i’d like to keep that energy more often.
it keeps mecreative and moisturized.
i want to live my best life again.

lowkey: i’ve been seeing 222,

i turn on my phone and it’ll be on 11:11,
or 3:33.

those have to be some kind of sign,

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “i want to thrive and my crops to be watered again”

  1. Carlton Banks and Jammy thank you all both for all this free life changing knowledge. You all both got me thinking up in here tonight about a lot of things. Always love coming to the Foxhole for all this good knowledge. Everyday lately seems to be a struggle for me, some days I make a step forward, some days two steps back, it gets exhausting at times, but I keep pushing. These golden nuggets of knowledge you all are dropping get in my mind and make me push for change for a better me. Tonight, I told a homie of mine NO, and it felt so damn good, usually I make excuses trying to appease others feelings but have to come to realize people will tell me No in a minute and not think twice about it. I have started to give out what others give me and I have already noticed a change. I still have a long way to go but the journey starts with the first step. I have been trying to tackle one area at a time from health to finances. Love has proven to be the hardest as it is hard for me to put my heart through anymore B.S but I know in order to find it I must do the work.

    1. Yes that’s so good. Love is a game and if you want to win you’ve got to play. Good luck on your journey. The foxhole is such an amazing space for all of us to come together. I’ve never felt so understood by a website.

    2. I’ll tell you this like I would any others on here. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Like you can totally put yourself in the front line because you have to love yourself but never forget to help those along the way genuinely. The people that are genuine and all that at least.

      See, I used to have the same issue as you. People would run over me and then I was told to not give a darn and be a boss..It worked for a minute or so then I got an ego and was just like whatever to everyone. I eventually was enlightened. You can totally be humble and still be a boss. You can wake up every morning and still be a boss.

      From your post, the most highlighted sentence is: “I make excuses trying to appease others feelings but have to come to realize people will tell me No in a minute and not think twice about it. I have started to give out what others give me and I have already noticed a change.”

      Good step. With me, I cut them off completely. If one isn’t adding any value to my life that means they are taking something away. They either need to get it together and elevate or get out. Drop all toxic things, including people…This is important for change. It’s a lifestyle change.

      Observe people carefully and recognize the red flags. Don’t surround yourself with energy leeches. Toxic things and people can get in your mind and this can make you physically sick as well.

      Also, money and fame are not the keys to success…at least not “real success.” Remember there are plenty of rich and married folk that still have problems, are still lonely and still commit suicide and everything.

      None of us are perfect obviously.

      Being single is one of the best things because you can focus on you and your growth. You can become 100. You don’t need a better half if you are the greatest whole.

      And everyday will be a struggle because you’re trying to live one way and the physical world wants to go the other but you are so grounded in self awarness and love, you know this world is just a facade for a greater outcome.

  2. Yeah it becomes a problem when folks believe something is going to happen to them when they see it all the time but only if they aren’t self aware.

    555 is a really big change number but the issue is this too: When one sees numbers they expect something without doing anything. Something big is coming, I better be on the lookout for it…lol yeah don’t do that.

    This is more of a selfish thing. Folks seem to think the Universe “owes” them when it’s really the other way around. They tend to overlook that they got out of bed, have a roof over their head, can walk, see, breath, eat, have a job and all that other stuff..blah blah.

    Ah, and that book. It’s one of those self help books by that blogger guy who swears a lot. Honestly, I’m very weary of people that mix repetitive vulgarity with long prose because they figure swearing makes the message more powerful. The word itself is swirling with negative energy and his message seems to be glossed over narcissism decorated with a bow and somehow he manages to tell people to do what they should already be doing anyways which is have confidence and all that..but he does it in a condescending way…and instead of a few paragraphs..he streches it to 200 pages…πŸ˜‘

    You can tell he wrote it for “younger” folks because of the a terminology he uses and the guy himself is technically “privileged” already. You already know he doesn’t give an eff anyways.

    I also squint at them folks who sell and give the number readings and psychics that charge people money for “self help”. If the Universe gave you the knowledge for free, why make a profit off of others for the same knowledge? It seems like one big marketing scheme to me.

    The most powerful message in the post above me was question everything, however, even with that there is a difference between questioning logic and questioning just because we like the way question marks look.

    If one charges a question without a purpose should a response without profit come as a surprise?

    Example: Questionings of the basic meanings of life.. i.e. “Do I actually exist?” “I am REALLY living?”

    There gotta be some logic here. Don’t go jump into the Lions den and tell the lions the Universe said don’t eat me.

    1. Of course I wrote a long and beautiful response to this only to have the tunnel I’m going through on the Metro North cut off my internet. Smh. Anyways I really don’t think you read the book cause you have it bass ackwards. And also i read it for free and if you’d like a link I’d be glad to share. Your clearly an analytical type(MBTI) so a natural skeptic of course but as am I a ENTP. And while I want to say you’re wrong but you’re not you should be skeptical and it’s also why I feel you should read the book and allow it to change your mind. I allowed this book to sit for 2 years telling myself the exact same things you’re saying but once I kept reading I was thoroughly surprised to find it’s what I needed to stop being a victim and ignorant.

      The main thing I truly took away from this book is that my problems aren’t exclusive to me and I need to do better in choosing what I choose to make a problem and also that problems are inevitable and they never stop and the true key to happiness is solving them and moving on. Someone or something maybe at fault for your problems but their your responsibility and to quote he turns Uncle Ben’s famous quote from spider man to make his point. Uncle Ben says “with great power comes great responsibility” he says as he bleeds out to spidey. And the author feels it should go the other way “with great responsibility comes great power”. And that’s all I care to type at this moment.

      1. Nah, I’m not a skeptic in that sense. I’m just “experienced” because I know what I see and hear to get results.

        You are super right in placing my personality type as “analytical.” I like to get to the bottom of things, the meat of the potatoes. I have the educational background and all that blah..blah..but I don’t let it affect my judgement in blinding me in the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

        You’re also pretty clever at a point to not call me wrong.

        Originally credited to headcannons such as Voltaire from which it came from, with “great power comes great responsibility” is a defacto statement that should be universal knowledge by now. His message has been proposed by many greats before him who were praised.

        Also, isn’t the swap with “with great responsibility, comes great power” a pull from the Ashlar??????? 🀨

        I don’t think I disagree with the core message of the book (looking at being confident) since he uses logic from many credible writers.. he’s just condescending about it. He’s basically writing about common sense.

        I know what it is. I read material and I’ve been reading books since youth.. However, you can provide the link for others interested in looking into it to see if they can pull something from it.

        One can’t repack a bunch of principals from Buddah and other philosophers and tell me it’s fresh and new when I’m already well versed in said principals anyway.

        However, maybe you needed the book “personally” on your journey, maybe someone else will pull from it too. In that regard, I return to you the same and I can’t call you wrong either on your quest.

        1. Every disagree isn’t an argument as you already know. We in the foxhole come from all walks of life and experiences and hopefully the overall message from either message directs someone to their purpose so whichever they choose to take.

          Experience is one of the best teachers in life. If you’re just 26 as you say, keep on living and learning more on journey.

        2. Hey you’re not wrong at all but also some of what you are saying is truly assumption and I’ve said from my very 1st comment that this is all me personally at the end of the day what works for me won’t work for everyone. The book is common sense in a sense but we all know it isn’t as common as we’d like to believe. A lot of us need guidance and for someone to help us understand what we need to know to do better. That’s not a bad thing at all life is all about learning and growing. I’m plenty smart always have been my educational and work speaks for itself in my real life but I was not as smart as I’d been hyped up to be there’s so much to learn in this life but a lot of us can’t get past feeling special and as though our “stories” and the things we’ve been through are ours. Like literally no one gives a f and many don’t realize that. I’m a gay black Jamaican man with vitiligo and I once believed all of these made me stand out I’ve been through some things but all of that literally means nothing. I’m just me. And at 26bi am glad to say I’m on a great journey of learning more and being happy. This book personally gave me the key to happiness and I’m forever grateful of it even if it is sourced elsewhere. My only intention is to hope it can do the same for someone else. Suicide was knocking at my lonely little door and this book told me not to answer the door because it was the killer knocking. I’m glad you seem to have most of it all figured out. Kudos.

  3. I PERSONALLY stopped believing in numbers and all of that I found myself getting too caught in the hype of something special happening to me. It’s like playing the lottery only there is no winner with “11:11” or the time that you see every time you wake up in the middle of the night.

    It’s all a fluke and a waste of your thinking time. You could be focused on just putting forth the effort to get to whatever it is your “wishing” for. You all should really read “the subtle art of not giving a F” And if you have and it’s done nothing for you than baby you are all hopeless. But to clarify again this is all my opinion and I am nobody so please don’t take it *hauls up microphone* personaaaaalllllllll……anyways lately I’ve just been doing me and this book has helped me. I’m even trying to find love. I swore off even talking to anyone just to avoid the heartache after a situation in high school. I am 26 now and I’m finally feeling good about myself enough to be confident in putting myself out there. I’m socializing, flirting, being all girl next door and isht. I’m so feeling me and being confident in all of me it’s REFRESHING and scary all at the same time. My walk is fierce, My voice is clearer, and I’m honest with everyone and myself. I question everything including myself which keeps me open and learning.

  4. Umm yeah…The numbers are a sign and you know they are. I get a feeling you’ve been researching. The question is: Are you actively tuning in?

    Also, if you’re seeing 11:11, I can guarantee you are not alone. When you see that number it can mean a “number” of things but most importantly, what are you thinking about when you see that sign is a clue. Also 11:11 equals to 4 which also represents a balance of nature, hint: The four corners of the Earth, the 4 directions, the four seasons..etc… Seeing 11:11 can mean you are on the right track or maybe not. It can also be a calling…as I’m sure more folks are seeing the number at any given point and time.

    A big key in getting blessings or being on the right track is actually wanting to do it & actively putting forth effort which makes sense because the Universe is based on action. Nothing is ever given to us without effort on our part.

    I’ve ran into a fair share of folks that want the power but don’t have the power to give up their old ways.

    The biggest problem people have is getting rid of things they “like”. It’s not a fad. It’s a complete lifestyle change. Dropping toxic friends, behavior, foods…all that has to change, which honestly some folks just would rather not put up with. That’s the physical.

    Mentally, you have develop a strong mind. The most dangerous person is a man or woman that is headstrong and driven for the Universe. No one can stand against them because they are now a wall of prosperity, motivation, and hope powered through action.

    Technically speaking there are no bad numbers…666 just means you are off track and need to focus your thoughts. Has nothing to do with the devil and it’s funny because 6 is the number of man and it’s even funnier that even the bible says man and all the flesh was created on the 6th day…blah blah..

    The biggest clapback is: You can speak (think) something into existence but 1). Can you actually handle it and? 2.) How does what you request help others? And when it presents itself to you, are “aware” enough to recognize it?
    Me: Universe, I need 2.5 miliion dollars….and thirty five cents, please.

    Universe: Done.

    Me: (looking around) Where is it?

    Univese: Waiting for you to work your way up towards it.

    Me: 😐


    If someone really wants the man of their dreams. Do things that will make a “real man” go crazy over you…|Hint: Having a big booty, taking his soul and having abs ain’t it. He appreciates the pleasure but he can get it from others the same.|

    I’ll tell my man or any other for that matter..I’m not with the 50/50. I’m coming at you with 100. As a 5 star meal, not an appetizer. I am the raise, the vaction, the desitination and pilot of my destiny. Confidence works wonders…If a man tells me I can’t date him cuz I’m not on his level, I’ll tell him my thoughs are beyond this world..I never was on his level to begin with but he can elevate to my altitude.

    Always smile, always be happy, surround yourself with positive people, volunteer, donate and speak postive truth. Soon you’ll learn that what you thought you wanted, you actually never needed…and then something magical will happen.

    Make this week count. πŸ˜πŸ™ƒ

      1. Good deal. Stay focused. Those that seek diligently shall be answered. This is a process. This won’t happen over night because you have to rewire your mind and body from years and years of programming. It will be a challenge but keep it up. Keep that confidence up too. Remember to love yourself first at all times. We all get afraid but then again just what are we actually afraid of. Sit and think on that. Become a lion, find that issue from within that is eating away at you and rip it to shreds.

        No self doubt.
        No suicidal thoughts..
        No sorrow.

        And don’t forget to wake up every morning and you tell yourself how beautiful, how successful, how special you are.

        I found an easy way to do this is to record your voice saying things and then make an MP3 out of it and play it back with headphones

        If it’s anyone your soul trusts, it’s your own voice.

        How do you know this? Simple. When you speak from within yourself without saying a word how are you able to do this without moving your lips? You are able to hear your own voice from within.

        Start there.

        Another example is how music makes you feel moody. Every notice how some songs get you live, make you sad or feel happy everytime you hear them? That’s because you’ve wired your brain to recognize and identify with them. You can do the same with your own postive words of encouragement..Listen to it while you sleep if you can, if not do so while you’re driving or taking a walk.

        Watch how your mind begins to transform and thinks. Soon this will be how you think at all times. Mental work out 101.

      1. Yup. That’s the point of it being online. I misspoke. The Penn State courses aren’t free, but completely online. From what I’ve been told by others, Coursers is seeking knowledge for knowledge’s sake. You can get a “certificate of proof” (which is paid) or just take the course for your own enrichment. This link lists all of the free courses: https://www.class-central.com/report/coursera-free-online-courses/

        I’m considering some of the financial ones to be more financially literate. Too often we end up broke flossing and not investing.

  5. i envision me in a nice home or doing something with my career.
    sometimes it’s a wolf on top of me,
    looking in my eyes,
    and kissing me shortly after.

    I think this is part of the problem. I don’t necessarily believe in “the law of attraction”. If you put seeds in your backyard, you’ll attract both birds and squirrels. You can get a feeder that prevents squirrels, fine.

    If you put out meat in the safari, lions and cheetahs will come even if you only want to attract lions.

    Being dope will attract people who are not dope.

    So instead of seeing peace as with another guy..try to see it as you grinding so hard, that someone wants you to stop your grind train, slow down and talk to them. What if instead of slowing down, they had to keep up? When you are as focused on your dreams as you are breathing, you’ll find success. But the success won’t be enough. You’ll become addicted to success and never complacent.

    As far as what to do with your life, when I first started college, I did what my parents wanted me to do. I didn’t think about if I’d be happy doing it for the rest of my life. I was focused on making them proud. I got the degree, but I wasn’t happy. So I went back and now I am excited to go to class and dropping knowledge bombs when Lyft drivers ask what I am majoring in.

    School isn’t for everyone. As much as I don’t care for Wendy Williams, she said something that I think is wise. “You don’t have to go to school, but you have to have a plan”.

    Imagine meeting your role model and they ask what they can do to help you get to where you want to be and you said, “I don’t know”? You’d regret that moment for the rest of your life.

    You need to sit down and define a clear plan. People have become before you. Ester Dean went from living in her car to being one of the most sough after songwriter. Tyler Perry was homeless and now is giving jobs to other Black people.

    Do not compare where you are in life at your age to others. You are never too old. It is never too late. You just have to identify what it is you want. You will get: Nos. But I would suggest seeking out someone you respect and asking them how they got to where they are. If they are not insecure and want you to succeed too, they can point you in the right direction.

    Also, you don’t have to go to school, but having the knowledge in your area couldn’t hurt. I would reccomend Coursera. Penn State offers some free online classes. Nothing worse than having a plan and having language thrown at you that you don’t understand. Be prepared to meet with banks that could give you a small business loan.

    And the MOST important thing is networking. You have to keep in touch with people. Send a Thank You email. If they have to go, say you’d love to touch base with them and would they mind exchanging emails. And as far as starting a conversation, if you’re at an event about fashion, you can just comment on their outfit and ask who the designer is. Find an in.

    For me, I noticed that I slowed down for people and that’s because they could not keep up at my pace. Focus on being Jamari, happy, with minimal drama. Someone will see this and want to add to your happiness, not give you happiness. It will not be easy. But love does not keep the bills paid.

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