you’re abusive because of your mother and father

we are really abusive and you don’t even realize it.
this current dragging and ghosting culture is a high key sign.
another sign is how we treat others we claim we love.
even if the person is good to us,
or are our biggest cheerleaders,
we will turn around and treat them like stink trash.
that “love” word can be so dangerous in the wrong hands.
it isn’t until they leave,
or they drop dead,
that we recognize their worth and realize just how trash we really are.

Are some of us low-key psychopaths out here?

hmm.
so i was talking to one of my older cousins on my mother’s side last night…

in the past,
i always felt intimidated to be completely honest to family about my parents.
you know how some family can get?
they’ll ride hard for someone because they’re blood.
shit,
with strangers in some cases.
if you have a story about abuse or neglect,
they’ll probably turn against you for “the fav” in the family.
she was one of those.
after the recent death in my family,
she has been calling and messaging me more often.
she was the closest to me growing up so she had a front row seat at times.
she’s become really into church so her calls are often mini bible studies.
even though i’m not totally religious,
it has allowed us to bond so i’ll allow it.
somehow,
the conversation got into growing up and parenting.
i let all the word vomit spill about how my mother treated me.

“i know.”

shocked.
i really didn’t expect that answer from her.
i was ready for the defense so i could really shut down.

“it’s how she was raised.
my mother was no better.
she would beat me and compare me to the neighbor’s kids.
it really ruined my self esteem.
the way they came was an old school way of tough love.
your grandmother was psychically and emotionally abusive to our mothers,
but she loved them both the same.
that was her way of showing it.
it’s learned behavior and unfortunately,
we got the brunt end of the stick.”

i think,
with me being so sensitive and empathic,
it didn’t make me a whole asshole like it would’ve done others.
instead,
i ended up becoming nurturing and kind,
but a doormat for that kind of behavior.
i seek approval and yearn for someone to love me.
when someone(s) make me feel left out,
i take it rather hard and blame myself.
in another side,
it has made me tough and resilient.
i ask questions and will fight to the death for what i feel is right.
i’ve seen others turn out the same way,
but end up being bullies who don’t know how or what love is.
if you try to love them,
it’s not a language they understand.
they think you’re up to something so they’ll lash out in defense.
parents have raised some of these jackals and hyenas,
who showed signs in kindergarten or with other kids,
but confused why as adults they’re destroying everything they touch.
it’s no secret that if some males witness their fathers being abusive,
they tend to do the same thing when they grow up.

so does it start with our parents?
the neglect?
the abuse?
molestation?

the comparisons?
the self absorption?
do our parents lay the foundation and life experiences build the rest?
or no matter how some of us were raised…

Are some of us just really that fucked up?

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

5 thoughts on “you’re abusive because of your mother and father

  1. Funny, I had this same conversation with my boyfriend a few months ago… I flat out told him he was abusive. Not in a physical way BUT in the way that he reacts in/to certain situations. His family has put him on a pedestal (the fav) so much so that sometimes his reactions don’t consider or totally negates my perspective or points fingers at my difference of opinion even if I’m not in the wrong. He was shocked when I told him how I was feeling but I felt like if I didn’t frame it that way he would get it. Luckily he took a step back and realized what he was doing and even continues to follow up on it to ensure I’m no longer feeling that way. I also had to take a look at myself and consider why I didn’t speak up sooner and had a convo with my mom about how I felt about the way a was it wasn’t raised. Abuse and how you deal with abuse shows up in so many forms that all trace back to like you said how you were raised. The important thing is to make sure conversations take place even with your parents even when you become an adult so you can overcome the impacts and don’t replicate the behavior.

  2. I wish therapy wasn’t such a Dirty Word in the Black community. We’ll ask outloud: Why do I keep attracting the same guy in a different looking package? But when someone tries to answer that, we get defensive.

    Mental Health is important. So is knowing why we do the things that we do. Studying Psychology has been cathartic for me. The best gift someone could give me would be a therapy session with them. To see them be naked emotionally and vulnerable in a way that they might be uncomfortable to, with me.

    People see therapy as for crazy people only. Depression is real and it’s claiming lives. Michelle Williams is successful, wealthy and wanted to end her life. It’s not about “sucking it up”.

    The same way someone who is clean would not mind going to the clinic with you (test results can be faked), I think someone who wants you to SEE THEM wouldn’t mind going to therapy with you. And I think finding someone who can understand you, (Same race, same background, etc) can help.

    Imagine if Molly’s therapist from Insecure was Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen wouldn’t get all of her struggles or know how to tackle them. Therapy is confidential. You should be PROUD to tell people what you worked through in therapy to help them.

  3. Great topic. I do believe that our parents (good and bad) shape who we become as adults. Unfortunately, many of our parents didn’t know how to properly raise and nurture us, as well as discipline us without verbally, physically, or emotionally abusing us. We have to take it upon ourselves to heal, so we don’t apply our trauma to any of our relationships. Until we heal, our journey through life will continue to be in disarray.

  4. Thanks to you and your cousin for that wisdom. I see my grandmother in a new light. She’s for real batshit crazy but I love her to death.

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