it’s hard to describe what depression feels like.
what being in a dark place feels like for myself and many of us.
i’ve tried to put it into words and i just come up with “extreme sadness“.
for those on the outside,
their advice is:

“You’ll be fine after you take a walk or put a penis in your mouth.”

…because walking and sex are the cure for everything.
there are many power walkers and human sex toys that are still depressed.
depression is similar to having a monster in your brain.
it takes control of every negative emotion within your body.
the monster’s sole purpose is to turn your entire world upside down.
it knows we are too weak to fight it so…

It latches onto your trauma and creates an alternate scenario that makes sense but oftentimes isn’t the reality.

it’ll bring up an image of “that male” from your past.
you were in love with him but ya’ll aren’t together anymore.
the monster will make you believe it was your fault he left.
the monster will make you believe it was your fault you were raped.
the monster will even make you believe people hate you cause you’re gay.
the monster can manifest into many things and multiple people:

Past Bullies
The person who molested us
Our parents

anything that has given us trauma will be associated with other things.
things that don’t even have a connection with each other.
you won’t be able to see your greatness when it has control over you.
people can tell you all day how amazing you are but it won’t matter.
that monster will let us know we aren’t enough.

The suicidal thoughts come in when …

we feel we can’t fix any of our trauma.
by this point,
the monster has taken us so far down the rabbit hole of no return.
everyone we see is “better” than we are.
our minds are manipulated to think we only face hardship.
it has become so strong that it has taken control of everything.

this is where the silence is louder and we can feel how unwanted we are.
all we want is to not feel the pain any longer.
we have tried and we failed.

this 4th season of stranger things is super dope.
the vecna is the new monster that feeds on people’s trauma.
i latches onto their weaknesses and use them to kill.
as i was watching,
i found myself getting triggered.
i’ve been in a fight for my life with my monster.
this monster has taken the shape of everyone from my grandmother,
work wolf,
and jackals who hurt me and bounced up outta my life.
it has made me feel like i’m not worth it.
i’ve questioned “what is my purpose?” on many occasions.

“How will you turn all these fuck ups around,
Jamari?
You should die.”

that is the power of good art.
it can be a good tv show or music.
it gives us an explanation of our feelings when we can’t describe them.