i just want someone to rub on my booty and tell me everything will be ok

this week feels like i’m running on empty.
i should be thrilled because my birthday is this weekend,
but i don’t even care.
well,
i do,
but then i don’t.
besides living to see another year

this is nothing really to celebrate.
i know that sounds very selfish,
as there are a million things to be grateful for.
my life feels like its on this row boat and i’m sailing aimlessly.
the oars fell off and i’m too emotionally exhausted to row any further.
a shark could overturn the boat and i’d probably be like “take me daddy“.

Everything is a mess.

everywhere you turn,
there is some shit going on.
violence in new yawk has gone tf up.
this job/career hunt is exhausting.
the energy of the world feels really depressing.
i feel needy and wanting extra emotional affection,
but i’m looking at the wrong sources and it’s making me feel unwanted.
i told my therapist that it feels like every week,
i’m going deep and deeper down an abyss.
he might have to put me on medication even though i don’t want that.
this scene from “how to get away with murder” legit represents me right now:

maybe i need to do ^this later.
eta: i did a voice note to further express my thoughts:

this was just a rant.
i wanted to get this off my chest.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

10 thoughts on “i just want someone to rub on my booty and tell me everything will be ok

  1. My birthday was June 22 and I was somewhat in the same mindset. Last year, I did it big. But with everything going on…this year, I just didnt feel like it. If it wasnt for my co-workers suggesting to go to a bar a few days before (which we celebrated my bday earlier) I wouldnt have done anything at all. Just woke up, opened my cards and went back to sleep, lol

    But Im sorry your feeling this way Jamari. I think whats happening around the world is making your feelings worse, like a booster. Just try to take it one day at a time, vent when u need to, and know that something great is coming because it is. Typically when u feel that low, u can only go up.

    Oh and happy early birthday!

    1. ^thank you so much for these kind words d.
      happy belated birthday to you!

      this year,
      everything feels so heavy.
      i have no energy to do anything.
      on holidays like the 4th,
      and my birthday the next day,
      i usually do something.
      even if it’s a dinner.
      this year doesn’t have that same energy.

      you’re right,
      everything happening in the world has brought me down to a very low vibrational place.
      i’m trying to find my way out tho.

  2. You are not alone Jamari. I’m dealing with almost the same issues. I’m glad you have a therapist and your able to share with us. It helps to talk about it.
    I had a therapist and it helped alot. I was sad when she decided to move out of New York.
    I try to reach out to “my good friend” on those difficult days, but when life is going good for people you become less important to them…until shit starts to fall apart for them.

    One day at a time man. How you feel is important. Continue to talk about it.
    We luv you J!

    1. ^i try to be as open as i can,
      especially when i’m feeling really low.
      i don’t want to be out here trying to flex,
      but i’m a mess on the inside.
      times right now are tough and we can all use a shoulder to cry on.
      you are so right when “life is going good” and people forget you.

      thank you ndj.
      ❤️ ya!

  3. Happy Birthday. I am sorry you are feeling that way. I am sure everything will be OK. I you are a believer then just know that God has something for you. This is just your Storm as they say. Just hold on. Just know you are loved by people unseen who are praying for you increase. Thank you for being open and honest about what your are going through. I hope you are not only posting here but you are journaling as well. I am sure you have heard all this before, but I felt as if I had to say it just in case.

  4. Happy Early King Day. Look it’s ok to not be ok. I’ve personally resigned myself to letting my feelings be what they are day to day. So allow yourself to feel what you feel. Acknowledge your feelings but try not to allow yourself to get too locked in. I know with depression it’s hard; I live with it too. But the only to the other side is usually through and in my experience figuring out what is triggering me. Today, I realized I’m over it. I accepted that I cannot control anything that is triggering this depression episode and was able to move through. Everyday isn’t that easy but I am grateful when they are. Praying for you JF.

  5. You better call up that dick from the other day and let him wax you into the next century. That’s a reason to celebrate 🎉

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