“will you at least speak to me?” she asked,
with full sadness in her eyes.
its only been week after “fight night”.
we have had no contact whatsoever,
i was ready to speak about what happened.
so i sat on the floor of the hall and told her the floor was hers.
“i am really sorry jamari.
i know you don’t want to hear that.
i hurt you in ways that you can’t imagine.
i have been thinking about what i did and it wasn’t right…”
…cue the water works.
“…you are not that person.
i did something that was really petty to the only person who has cared for me.
i had people in my life who told me how wrong i was.
everyone told me i needed to come and speak to you.”
i sat there and let her talk.
i just looked at her in her eyes.
i felt no emotions from me.
i did however feel the regret and pain from her.
she went on to say that she fucked up really bad.
basically she saw that the concrete forest ain’t been too kind since she left.
that same chick she battled me over turned out to be…
do i need to continue?
…and she wanted some fake 2 second hoe in my crib?
i told her that i can’t trust her and how uncomfortable i am with her.
i showed her the scars on my neck and face.
how when i see them in the mirror,
all i can think about it what happened that night.
its one thing for a wolf or some stranger on the street to do this,
but she was supposed to be my family.
someone i shared things with and always looked out for.
how dare she?
i opened the door and let her in.
i’m sure my neighbors were listening.
i called star fox’s mother and she came over an hour later.
we sat in my living room and had a huge intervention.
star fox mother said:
“i love jamari like a son.
he tells me everything.”
she went on to explain how hurt i was.
how i cried so hard on the phone i couldn’t speak.
the pain i felt of being betrayed by my own family.
someone i let into my home to help them get their life together.
how traumatized i was over the incident.
i mean it was all truth.
my whole week was a mess for me emotionally.
everyone was asking me why i was so sad.
i told a few.
“i don’t want you here,
but this is jamari’s call.
if this happens again,
i will come over here and fight you myself.” star fox mother said.
as they were speaking,
i was quite.
my head was like “bye!”,
but my heart,
that son of bitch,
didn’t want her to be out in the streets.
i felt torn.
i wouldn’t be able to sleep at night,
but on another side of the coin,
could i sleep at night with her in here tho?
hell can i even vent my complaints without a frying pan upside my head?
so i decided to let her stay for 2 months on a probationary period.
i felt really empty when i decided it tho.
thats why i felt “regret-ish”.
i called star fox’s mother again that night and told her my decision.
she told me that i whatever i chose,
she was with me,
even though she wouldn’t have her in the house.
she told me sleep on it.
when i woke up,
i couldn’t help but wonder…
Did i make the right decision?…
i knew the judgment i would face from everyone,
including the foxhole.
i didn’t want to keep it secret as i write about everything going on in my life.
i had no words which i why i wrote that quick entry this morning.
i contacted jay in emails to speak to him about it.
he always tells me the truth when we speak.
i value his opinion.
so i drafted up a contract right after.
everything i could think of went into it.
“any physical altercations will have automatic rental termination…”
thats when i stopped and had to read that line a couple times.
like she attacked me…
am i fuckin’ crazy?
i realized while writing it that i didn’t set ground rules in the beginning.
i looked at “family” and “alone” and gave leeway.
so was this my fault as well?
she came to me last night and handed me the envelope.
she wrote it with all the things she wanted me to know.
i haven’t opened it.
i don’t want to and probably won’t.
she is just my “roommate”.
she is not a “cousin”.
i am cold as ice with her.
star fox mother said to me before we hung up:
“if you are going to try this again,
you have to move on jamari.
you can’t use what happened as a weapon to attack her.”
i asked god to allow me to forgive her and move on.
lowkey: i know you think i’m a fool.
i don’t even blame you for thinking so.
i can’t argue or defend because maybe i am.
i hope that i won’t regret this decision,
but i won’t allow her to take my power.
*picture credited to owner