I Hate That I Can’t Turn My Heart Off

12242when i came home yesterday,
i had an unexpected visitor sitting at my door.
it was mi.
she had all her bags and was holding an envelope

“will you at least speak to me?” she asked,
with full sadness in her eyes.

its only been week after “fight night”.
we have had no contact whatsoever,
however,
i was ready to speak about what happened.
so i sat on the floor of the hall and told her the floor was hers.

“i am really sorry jamari.
i know you don’t want to hear that.
i hurt you in ways that you can’t imagine.
i have been thinking about what i did and it wasn’t right…”

…cue the water works.

“…you are not that person.
i did something that was really petty to the only person who has cared for me.
i had people in my life who told me how wrong i was.
everyone told me i needed to come and speak to you.”

i sat there and let her talk.
i just looked at her in her eyes.
i felt no emotions from me.
no tears.
nada.
i did however feel the regret and pain from her.
she went on to say that she fucked up really bad.
basically she saw that the concrete forest ain’t been too kind since she left.
that same chick she battled me over turned out to be…
i mean…
do i need to continue?
and she wanted some fake 2 second hoe in my crib?

i told her that i can’t trust her and how uncomfortable i am with her.
i showed her the scars on my neck and face.
how when i see them in the mirror,
all i can think about it what happened that night.
its one thing for a wolf or some stranger on the street to do this,
but she was supposed to be my family.
someone i shared things with and always looked out for.
how dare she?

i opened the door and let her in.
i’m sure my neighbors were listening.
i called star fox’s mother and she came over an hour later.
we sat in my living room and had a huge intervention.
star fox mother said:

“i love jamari like a son.
he tells me everything.”

she went on to explain how hurt i was.
how i cried so hard on the phone i couldn’t speak.
the pain i felt of being betrayed by my own family.
someone i let into my home to help them get their life together.
how traumatized i was over the incident.
i mean it was all truth.
my whole week was a mess for me emotionally.
everyone was asking me why i was so sad.
i told a few.

“i don’t want you here,
but this is jamari’s call.
if this happens again,
i will come over here and fight you myself.”
star fox mother said.

as they were speaking,
i was quite.
my head was like “bye!”,
but my heart,
that son of bitch,
didn’t want her to be out in the streets.
i felt torn.
i wouldn’t be able to sleep at night,
but on another side of the coin,
could i sleep at night with her in here tho?
hell can i even vent my complaints without a frying pan upside my head?

so i decided to let her stay for 2 months on a probationary period.
i felt really empty when i decided it tho.
thats why i felt “regret-ish”.
i called star fox’s mother again that night and told her my decision.
she told me that i whatever i chose,
she was with me,
even though she wouldn’t have her in the house.
she told me sleep on it.
when i woke up,
i couldn’t help but wonder…

Did i make the right decision?…

i knew the judgment i would face from everyone,
including the foxhole.
i didn’t want to keep it secret as i write about everything going on in my life.
i had no words which i why i wrote that quick entry this morning.
i contacted jay in emails to speak to him about it.
he always tells me the truth when we speak.
i value his opinion.
so i drafted up a contract right after.
everything i could think of went into it.

“no guests”
“any physical altercations will have automatic rental termination…”

thats when i stopped and had to read that line a couple times.
like she attacked me…
am i fuckin’ crazy?
i realized while writing it that i didn’t set ground rules in the beginning.
i looked at “family” and “alone” and gave leeway.
so was this my fault as well?
hmm.

she came to me last night and handed me the envelope.
she wrote it with all the things she wanted me to know.
i haven’t opened it.
i don’t want to and probably won’t.
she is just my “roommate”.
she is not a “cousin”.
i am cold as ice with her.
star fox mother said to me before we hung up:

“if you are going to try this again,
you have to move on jamari.
you can’t use what happened as a weapon to attack her.”

i asked god to allow me to forgive her and move on.
i’m trying.

lowkey: i know you think i’m a fool.
i don’t even blame you for thinking so.
i can’t argue or defend because maybe i am.
i hope that i won’t regret this decision,
but i won’t allow her to take my power.

*picture credited to owner

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

27 thoughts on “I Hate That I Can’t Turn My Heart Off

  1. I figured this was what it was. I guess you have to do what you feel is right. As long as it doesn’t happen again.

  2. I don’t think you’re a fool, things happen and people, especially females, can get very dramatic and do crazy things. But be careful and also just keep it cordial make it known that her stay there is temporary and that she has to mature and make responsible decisions but in the real world there are no do overs. Experience came in and exposed her to reality. Karma is a bitch and shade is her sister. Praying for your strength

  3. Well jamari I have to say this entry was a tear jerker for sure and I understand why you made the decision but jamari your too soft hearted I’m sorry to have to say that but jamari you can’t keep doing this to yourself when are you gonna learn self preservation comes first fuck all that other shit you work too hard to maintain what you have so what else is she gonna take? Your dignity should be more important than being a captain save a hoe but you do what you feel is best and I hope this lesson won’t cost anymore than you already spent.

    1. ^i completely agree with you.
      i am way too nice and my heart is way too big.
      i guess this taught me that i need to turn that mofo off or put it in the freezer.

  4. I know when most people think of domestic violence they think about two people in a romantic relationship.Domestic violence is a violent confrontation between family or household members involving physical harm.I say this because one of my neighbors was arrested for assaulting his sister last year.He was charged with domestic violence.He plead guilty and he received probation.I believe it was his first offence.He had to take anger management classes and there was a temporary restraining order issued.

    Has Mi explained why she resorted to violence? Has she mentioned that she may have a problem with anger management? Every person who acts out violently apologizes and cries and asks for another chance.What matters to me is what action they have taken to lessen the likelihood that they will react the same way again.

    I will pray that this won’t happen again because if it happens again it will be worse because the level of violence almost always escalates.

    1. ^she told me she did it because she felt like i was turning my back on her.
      she has many people who have turned her away and she felt i was next to leave.
      its no excuse,
      and i told her she handled it the completely wrong way.

      1. It is not fun and games being in quandary over matters such as family affairs and I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Y Colette however highlights very important points, chief of which is she may have anger management problems.

        Without trying to whip up emotions, you should perhaps assess what transpired in light of her excuse: her concern – ‘I think he is turning his back on me’, her reaction – hurling glassware at you and grabbing a knife (in effect ‘im going to [try to] kill him’); never mind this was over not wanting her friend to stay over. This does not seem rational by most standards. It appears the underlying issue is anger management/self control issues and if indeed this is the case, you are dealing with a different beast altogether. It might be beneficial, while you are trying to start afresh, you insist she gets professional assessment and help, otherwise dear Jamari, it is highly probable it will occur again and if it does, it might be worse I am afraid.

        If she is able to sort out any anger management issues she may have, she would be doing her future a whole world of good and not just her time at your place.

        Good luck.

  5. I had a feeling it was this or sleeping with work wolf. I think your doing everything right this time around with MI. Your probably the only other person next to her mother who has treated and showed love to her, and I think she realizes that now. Jamari you have a big heart great things are headed your way brother.

      1. I thinks it’s 50/50. You just have to go with your heart. If you turned her away yesterday and something happened to her I think that would weigh on you heavy. So it’s just a chance your taking. I hope that helps.

  6. I don’t think of you as a fool J, just a loving person. I know you want to be cold as a frozen storm to her ( which you have every right to be), but Star Fox’s mom has a point. You are going to have to forgive but never forget.

    I know it’s going to take awhile for you to even see her in a good light again.

      1. This really gets to me because as u know i went through this with my brother. I cant take it because i know what u are going through and this just takes me back. I never opened the door again for my brother and even though it hasn’t yet been a year i dont think i ever will. My brother and I are fine but only because its distance between us. He wants to move back but he knows he cant come back and stay with me. I guess its easier for me to not give a shit because he is back home with our mother. I probably would have more fucks to give if he didnt have anyone so dont feel bad that u care about Mi Jamari.

        My brother and I have not had the proper conversation regarding the fight so i dont know if he has fully accepted his role in the incident so i cant trust him. I wont even attempt to think i would ever let him stay with me and honestly he needs to tough it through life to learn the lessons he needs to be self sufficient. Mi needs to learn these lessons as well. I agree with the other poster self preservation is key. Its ok to care and do for others but never at your expense. The people who are worth opening your heart the way you do will never ask yo to do or put yourself in a position where it would be at your expense.

  7. Star Fox’s mother is absolutely correct. I truly believe that when you truly forgive someone, you can’t throw someone’s past transgressions in their face because YOU chose to forgive them. In addition, I don’t think you’re a fool. You love her. Doing what you have to do for family is natural but it definitely can’t happen again. You must lay down ground rules and let her know what it is and what it ain’t. And by the way, I love Star Fox’s mother. She’s down to ride. Just pray on it. You’re a great person with a good hurt who deserves the absolute best. You’ll be blessed for this in the future.

  8. Please research the law. Once you let her in, she has squatter’s rights and does not have to leave for 30 days. You would have to evict her. I know she may not be that savvy, but just be careful.

  9. I mean in your defence its a really tough situation to be in. I still believe in the concept of “getting what’s coming to you” in a sense, but I suppose a line has to be drawn somewhere. I totally see why you made that decision, even if she acts completely off the wall, we are not wishing for anything to happen to her on the streets, that would be horrible. I don’t feel like there is an objectively “right” decision here. Again, you are doing what you can, and I think that is commendable of you. You’re a good man Jamari.

    I really hope she gets it together. For both of your’s sakes, but you may have to keep your foot shoved up her ass! LOL! She needs to still think that she is effectively homeless until she is self-sustaining.
    GOOD LUCK Jamari, and I’m not judging you man, I know its been tough on you, you did what you felt was best, and you’re TRYING and fighting to do the right thing!

    Yes, try to move on now that you’re living with her again, you don’t need all that baggage. Try to let it go and start fresh! Hang in there!

  10. As someone who has worked in the social service field, I am glad that you are letting her back in. NYC is no place for a young girl on her own, especially one who seems like she lacks survival instincts. Its your good heart that has gotten you this far in life and it will be your good heart that will carry you forward. So many times in life we are always so hell bent on teaching someone a lesson, when we are hurt by them. At this point, you really are her de facto parent whether you like it or not, yall seem to be all each other has, she needs you in her life J to guide her. I know what she did was beyond F up, but I work in the business of redemption and forgiveness so its hard for me at times to give up on even the most hardened and incorrigible among us. This is not to say, that you dont need to ride her ass for breakfast, lunch and dinner because you do. You need to teach her about survival and the lesson of dont bite the hand that feeds you. I may be wrong but the streets can teach your ass a hard and fast lesson real quick to be grateful and appreciative of people who are there for you. I have seen kids who wanted to be grown and be out on their own in the streets, who come running back home with their leg tucked between their tail as the old folks use to say, because those streets took a bite out of their ass. These kids usually go on and become really good once they see how good they really have it at home. If she wants to try her services with you again, make sure you let her know that she can keep it moving because it will be no more forgiveness. Only time will tell, but dont beat yourself up for helping your family, because she is not where she needs to be and she needs you. Your blessings will still overflow because of your heart. I wish you success in this new chapter with Mi.

  11. J! Thank you so much for taking Mi back in. I don’t care what everyone else says but karma is a bitch. Thank you so much, I’ve been homeless at one point in my life and it wasn’t pretty J. I’ve been thinking about this situation since last week like. Thank you so much… #NOREGRET

    Just a little something to cheer you up, I run into @Jeremybythegram at the movie theater on Friday and oh boy the brother is foiiine in person. He was with a vixen so I didn’t wanna interrupt.

  12. I don’t think you’re fool at all. I’m just concern for your safety, your cousin is not stable, and I don’t want her to go through another one of her episode where she “blacked-out” again.

  13. Jamari, I hope you read this… You did the right thing. Give her another chance, but don’t hold what happened in the past against her. Try to move past it. You have a good heart and you are a good person. It’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a good thing!! If she acts up again, then you know what you have to do!

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