I Get Why People Kill Themselves

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_128iw4qdprjkogkwg4wkw84kg_640don’t judge me for this entry.
i really needed to vent.
my guess is they want to be released from all the pain they feel.
they don’t want to wait for that “happy ending” that may not happen.
it can be selfish.
i mean you are leaving behind people that give a fuck about you.
in the mind of someone who wants to end it all,
none of that really matters.
i guess thats the selfish part.
its like…

…that person is stuck between two places.
in front of you is your dreams of a better life.
“happy ending”.
you want what your heart desires.
the next place is actually where they are.
stuck in a rut.
feeling hopeless.
the demons have gone buck wild and eating them alive.
you try to fight,
but your mind is telling you that things won’t get better.
its bullying you and making you feel like you aren’t worth it.
you can’t look to the past because all they see is the “fuck ups”.
its no fun feeling like you don’t want to continue on anymore.

i feel like i’m sinking in some kind of emotional abyss.
everything is going completely wrong in my life right now.

did i do something wrong?
am i experiencing some kind of karma?
did someone put voodoo on me?

wtf is going on?
i need to know so i can apologize?
maybe beg for forgiveness?
i don’t get why this is happening,
but it is.

if its not one thing,
it is definitely the other.

financially
emotionally
physically
mentally

the enemy is attacking me in all directions.
i feel like i am thrown into a grave,
and as i try to climb out,
dirt is being continuously shoveled on me.
bad enough its raining and i keep falling back down.
for the first time in my life,
i have no tears.
i tried to cry when i walked in the door tonight and i couldn’t.
hell even adele didn’t get my tears.
i’m frozen.

i need the foxhole to pray for me.
i’m going through it real heavy.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

34 thoughts on “I Get Why People Kill Themselves

  1. I also understand why people kill themselves as well. Considering that I, like many others, have been where you’ve been, I empathize with your struggle.

    I hope my prayers and those of others impact you greatly because it’s so obvious looking at the comments on your blog just how many people love you, your thoughts, and your spirit… it’d be a shame to lose it all so soon.

  2. Hi Jamari,

    We all go through bad times, but instead of looking at the worst part. You should appreciate what you do have, loyal followers on here, employment, food, a place to live. You have a lot that people would hope to have that are living on the streets. Exercise is a good therapy to get you out of that mood and can possibly open up the door for you to make some new friends and get to view some wolves in the process. Also, turn off that damn Adele, she is not needed for the mood that you are in, put on some Jay, Jeezy, Drake, or Rich Homie and get turnt up.

    Also, here is an update on the boxer Yusaf:

    http://www.rhymeswithsnitch.com/2015/11/philly-boxer-comes-clean.html

    http://sandrarose.com/2015/11/yusaf-mack-comes-clean-admits-he-is-bisexual/

    http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/boxer-yusaf-mack-admits-he-wasnt-drugged-and-tricked-in-to-doing-gay-porn-and-hes-bi/

    1. ^thanks dee jay.
      your words were thoughtful.
      i’m going to listen to some hiphop.
      would it sound weak if i said i wanted to cry?
      i listened to adele because i just wanted to release it all.

      1. Not weak, everyone has different ways of releasing and dealing with situations. I would rather you do that than want to take your own life or even think about it. After this is over with you will be a much better person and it will continue to build character and make you stronger.

    1. I am also going thru,I fell for my we and I want him but I deep down know he is not good for me I want to meet someone who is really feeling me and chasing me hard, I know God is the answer he has given all of us the way out we just have to ask him to reveal the how to, I trust God and I know this to shall pass, I feel j that you are entering a new season and the enemy knows you are about to walk into your season, it will be hard to come into your season without hell coming at your neck, I love you and I know that when many gather in my name I will be there, praise God now and when you are getting blessed,praise is the only way to get the life God has for you, praise God for all he has done, and what he is yet to do,I know that when my season is over God is going to open the windows of heaven,and bless me for my praise,and for staying the course, and not letting the enemy win the battle is not yours, God gets the win always, trust God and only God, he has your victory and it is near trust, God.

  3. Just yesterday I was speaking to a friend who’s suffering depression and thinks about killing himself because he feels like no one cares about him.I honestly don’t now what to say to a depressed person because I am completely opposite from them. I can’t say I understand, but I listen.

    1. Lindo,

      A word of advice if you are willing to receive this information is take the person out to eat and do something of interest for him or her. That can cheer a person up and continue to check on him or her. It can make a world of difference when a person knows that he or she is not along while being in a dark place in his or her life.

      1. I do try, but it’s hard tbh cause the problem is he wants everyone to care and I’m just one person so it not enough for him. Plus he makes too many excuses.

  4. I’m keeping you in my prayers tonight J, I know exactly what you’ll are going through the because I’m going through this sense of depression myself. Just try to remember tomorrow is alway a different new day.

  5. If you are thinking about committing suicide Please call
    1-800-273-TALK or 8255 right now.
    Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape suffering that has become unbearable.
    If you know someone who is thinking about killing themself you must call that number to get them help.Listening is not enough.Praying is not enough.They have to get help from a person who is trained in this area.If they were physically injured would you just listen? No you would seek professional help.They need help.My uncle hung himself .You don’t want to live with that guilt of not doing something.
    1-800 273- 8255

  6. ^i’m not going to kill myself yc.
    i’m not “there”.
    i’m glad you posted that number tho.
    someone out there who is to their limit may need to see it.
    i’m just in a dark place of sadness and hurt.

    1. A chocolate a day will make you smile, but dark chocolate tho cause eating milk chocolate a day will make you breakout. But I’m glad you don’t think about killing yourself cause it not worth it plus I need that promotion when you make it big.

  7. I am in a dark place dealing with depression and thought about ending my life plenty of times the last few years from dealing with confusion and trying to accept my sexuality. Jamari buddy you and the foxhole have saved my life. I want you to know that you mean so much to me, everyday im up here. I look forward to your writing, if you would have asked me five years ago would I have an emotional connection to a person and people that I never met I would of said Hell naw. Hang in there Jamari know that myself and others here care about you. I think you need a vacation from everything. Can you see if your friend that lives down south can get you down there for a few days to clear your mind. You know my email and if you want I can give you my number just continue to be strong. Keep your head up we got you.

  8. I don’t get you sometimes J. I don’t know if its melodramatics or if you forget how strong of a person you are when you are faced with a trial in life. Sometimes I view you as this young upwardly mobile who is wise beyond his years and other times as this naive unaware person who wants what he wants now and if he doesn’t get it throws a tantrum. Someone once told me the world doesn’t owe me anything and I had to really think about that statement why I felt cheated everytime things didn’t go my way. I really thought because I was a good person and I tried to do the right things in life that the universe would look out for me. When I experienced failure or hurt or betrayal I thought I had done something to deserve this, I was being punished, or that the universe was cheating me of happiness even after all the good deeds I had done. I now know pain is a part of living pain is a signal to do something different or a warning that something is wrong. The world gives us so much so it doesn’t owe us anything. No one is more deserving or less deserving. What you don’t appreciate someone else would give anything to have. Life is precious. Every day you wake up is a second chance to finally get it, to finally say thank you for my painful moment and thank you for my happy moment. Nothing last forever, pain fades and happyness is fleeting. Life on the other hand is fragile and taking it for granted is shameful. If you have no health problems, all you limbs are intact, you are in your right mind, able to work, able to communicate then you have very few problems and certainly nothing to kill yourself over.

  9. Depression is one hell of a drug. I know. Try to discipline your thoughts more, if you manage to do that, you will realize how much valuable time you are wasting in the “woe is me” mentality, rather than investing in your (albeit uncertain) future.

    This is something I tell myself when my thoughts start to linger. “I don’t have time for depression, I’m too busy for that.” <,which is true, because I'm swamped lol, if I think of it in the grand scheme of things, the active state of being depressed is illogical, self-serving, and a waste of valuable youth.

    Jamari, don't waste your youth with these thoughts that only do you harm. Focus on your goals and stop worrying about where you will end up, just let that go. This takes time, practice, and discipline.

    You need to do some activities or hobbies that provide some value into your life. This blog is #1,but shouldn't be a place to encourage your depression because that defeats part of the purpose of it, rather it should be a by-product of your triumph over depression.
    Excercise is great, maybe private writing (a journal) or accomplishing a personal goal.

    Superficial things like getting a new outfit, watching your favourite show, and even music to some degree can help, but are not the answer.

    I challenge you to make the decision to snap out of it. That is your homework. Wake up tomorrow morning and DECIDE that you're going to feel good today (tomorrow). Make the decision and commit yourself to it. I know it sounds crazy, but if you can do it, you will realize how in control you are of your own life and how you feel and what happens to you. It's a very powerful lesson.

    I've written poetry about my own depression, I named it "abyss" so I relate to the feeling of an emotional abyss. I'm not judging you, life is hard.

  10. I’ll pray for you man, you will be fine as always. I have to admit, I never worry about you harming yourself, I know you ain’t going nowhere til you get where you want to be.

  11. Jamari..in this life you will face trials and tribulations, you will face down days and at times there will be darkness you can’t see your way out of (in that moment) but you must see beyond your circumstance, it is important to remember that where you are you won’t always be (and that includes being happy as well) you must be strong, for you before anyone else! Life isn’t easy and we know this but we’ve gotta be tough, cut out anything in your life that promotes these ideas and feelings (be it social media, porn, tv shows, people) but pray to God for discernment in these things. Don’t be afraid to see a counselor because it does truly help from what I’ve been told! Never take your life man, once its gone, its gone and you’ll leave those who love you in a world of sorrow thinking about what they could’ve or shouldve done, or “if they only knew”, please know God can do and help you through all things. You are in my prayers and seriously do consider counseling, it seems you just need to someone to understand, not judge and listen. In all things pray!

  12. I don’t usually comment but I really just wanted to say that we’re all here for you. It’s not easy now, and it may not feel like it will get better, but you have support here through this time where you’re feeling down. And it’s okay to feel down. It’s a part of life, but don’t let this period of feeling down trick you into thinking that it’s okay to end your life. You’re too valuable and have too many talents to leave this world now.

  13. I’ve never commented, but I had to do with this one. I’ve been there. I believe in prayer, but I also believe God gave us doctors and medicine. Please see someone if you need to. It helps. I’ll be praying for you. We love you!

  14. This post really spoke to me . For 3 years I’ve been asking the same questions. The only part is some people will miss me but no one knows where I live . So please believe me when I say “I get it” . Jamari this is just a tough season .youre weathering this storm of life . Just like any storm its going to pass. Look at yourself and tell yourself to never quit and stay strong. GOD has a Devine purpose for you and he’s still working it out. Your blog has saved many lives and hopefully it can save yours too I want you to understand how much of a blessing you really are to yourself and others . Please go listen to Kim burrell “it’s done” it’s my spirit picker upper . You are definitely in my prayers. Stay encouraged GOD and his angels are coming to release your burdens sooner than you think . weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning . It’s didn’t say what night or morning but your joy is finding its way back to you.

  15. this entry really hit home for me because I have been there several times. Honestly it is a constant struggle and people really dont get it. People think suicide is selfish but to people they really feel like it is the only option. i pray for myself and everyone who struggles with suicidal thoughts and mental health issues.

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