i don’t know who i am (did i ever?)

i don’t know who i am and that’s okay.
matta fact,
that’s great!
sp i’ve been reading a book every morning on the train called:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson

…and it has been helping me tremendously.
this morning’s chapter has sat with me all day.
my beliefs about myself and where i stand as a fox were challenged.
i came to the conclusion

I want to let go of the ideals I’ve been taught about myself,
other males, and being gay

that has come from a place of shame and discomfort.
i’ve had this “idea” of who i am and i’m realizing it’s not true.
that “idea” has made me suffer for a very long time.

when i was introduced to being gay,
it came with a lot of “do this/do that” to meet other males.
growing up,
i was bullied by males so i was never comfortable around others,
but i was high key attracted.

How do you try to fuck the one thing that was your source of pain?

when it came to trying to be with a wolf,
that discomfort always came forth in my interactions.
i could never by “myself” because i was told being “myself” was a bad thing.
i thought i had to be like star fox or others to meet males.
as i was learning this life,
i was told about how you can meet these great wolves in public settings.
in public,
it was all this “look in his eyes/smile/and do head nods” shit,
but i was never comfortable doing that.

I had this fear of being called gay or a sissy.
Doing these things require facing rejection.
Rejection is fuckin’ scary.

so i’ve spent my life trying to be “open“,
but still in this “planning to be rejected” gay bubble.
i’d see a wolf i was attracted to,
thought he might have been attracted to me,
and try my hardest to get at him.
if that meant lying about my intentions to get closer then so be it.
it all left me:

face cracked
hurt af

as much as i tried to do “what i was taught” in this gay life,
it has not worked at all.
i’ve spent too much time trying to decipher if someone likes me.
it’s frustrating.
it has has made me so depressed and un-wanted.
before I was introduced to “what i had to do to be successful in this life”,
i felt like things were so much more peaceful.
i’ve come to the conclusion i’ve been trying too hard to be “me”.
i thought i knew who i was,
but i really don’t.
so i know i’m here to be:

a fox
a friend
a creator
and if i’m lucky,
a potential partner

i’m ready to erase all that i’ve “learned” and start off as a clean slate.

crazy that i’ve been thinking of a new era in my life too.
this just might be it.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

4 thoughts on “i don’t know who i am (did i ever?)”

  1. I’ve heard about the books like the one you mentioned. People swear by these books. It’s interesting you read them. Did someone from the foxhole suggest it to you? Through emails or what not? Your besties?

    Jamari, not to be personal about your business or anything but have you been to therapy before?

    I was wondering because I was reading this entry had me wondering. It seems like that young man is still inside crying.

    I don’t think I can say what I want at the moment but I think you’re a really strong person for making this far.

    You somewhat remind me of myself in some ways..Maybe that’s a Cancer thing but I remember having some of those same fears as you. I was the short hottie (well still am) but I was really torn up growing up. Even though I was that hottie I was very soft, not fem but just a soft natured male & I got a lot of shit for it. I’m talking tormented. I was called ugly, or slutty and mostly gay because I didn’t interact with girls, I didn’t like sports…I enjoyed nature & not the typical highly prized masculine traits.

    Do you know that it was so bad when I was coming up that I thought I was terrible looking… My self worth was zero. I had friend when I lived in Texas. He came over to my apartment and pulled me in the bathroom and this is when I had longer hair…back when braids were the shit…and he pulled me into the room and asked me what was wrong..why am I acting the way I am..Why do I turn down men that try to date me…and he turned me around towards the bathroom mirror and he told..Look at you! You are beautiful.. Look at yourself…

    And Jamari, do you know that I could not look at my own reflection in the mirror because of what I grew up and heard, it became a part of me. It was my roadblock. Every man that showed interest in me up at that point I felt like I was unworthy and that they really didn’t love me. I didn’t love myself..

    So I remember in my post about the DL guys I mentioned, I noticed them but I didn’t have the confidence then to even accept advances from them. That one DL guy I did mention in my post that I did mess with was the guy who I lost my virginity to. He fucked me and brushed me off like it was nothing .lol Went rich back to his girl..lol

    Anyways, I could write a book one day and maybe I will about all my experiences with the DL signs, self identity issues and everything that I have encountered from old ass married professors to almost rape and all kinds of shit. I’m lucky enough to be a survivor amongst people who I knew that are no longer here…

    I’m not.on here as much as I used to be but I still try to catch up on posts I see.

    I can’t really say what I want to for some reason…so I think it may be best to say something along the lines of I’m glad you are looking and heading into a new era and dusting off the doorstep.

    Crabs gotta she’d those exoskeletons.

    So remember that you are not alone in your journey and others are trucking along as well. Everyday is learning experience for me. I dont ever expect to stop learning and growing until the day I die. Same for anyone tho.

    And ugh when you do get your boyfriend be prepared to roll your eyes at foolishness they speak sometimes…🙄 Like boy, hush…

    Oh and always..one of the best qualities I love in a man is one that will make me laugh & is intellectual.. That will really make me think about tearing his clothes off.

    Enjoy the week!

    1. ^thank you jammy.
      this is an extremely powerful comment.
      it was something that i needed to read as well as others who suffer the same.

      i cannot stress the amount of thanks for this comment.
      as for the book,
      i read it before but i don’t think it resonated with me at that moment.
      therapy – i have gone when i was younger,
      but i’m open to doing it again.
      my work schedules always conflicted with the times tho.<

  2. Billy Porter’s Emmy speech quoting James Baldwin has stuck with me such much it may just be my first ink…“‘It took many years of vomiting up all the filth that I had been taught about myself and halfway believed before I could walk around this Earth like I had the right to be here.”

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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