i don’t know who i am and that’s okay.
sp i’ve been reading a book every morning on the train called:
“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson
…and it has been helping me tremendously.
this morning’s chapter has sat with me all day.
my beliefs about myself and where i stand as a fox were challenged.
i came to the conclusion…
I want to let go of the ideals I’ve been taught about myself,
other males, and being gay
that has come from a place of shame and discomfort.
i’ve had this “idea” of who i am and i’m realizing it’s not true.
that “idea” has made me suffer for a very long time.
when i was introduced to being gay,
it came with a lot of “do this/do that” to meet other males.
i was bullied by males so i was never comfortable around others,
but i was high key attracted.
How do you try to fuck the one thing that was your source of pain?
when it came to trying to be with a wolf,
that discomfort always came forth in my interactions.
i could never by “myself” because i was told being “myself” was a bad thing.
i thought i had to be like star fox or others to meet males.
as i was learning this life,
i was told about how you can meet these great wolves in public settings.
it was all this “look in his eyes/smile/and do head nods” shit,
but i was never comfortable doing that.
I had this fear of being called gay or a sissy.
Doing these things require facing rejection.
Rejection is fuckin’ scary.
so i’ve spent my life trying to be “open“,
but still in this “planning to be rejected” gay bubble.
i’d see a wolf i was attracted to,
thought he might have been attracted to me,
and try my hardest to get at him.
if that meant lying about my intentions to get closer then so be it.
it all left me:
as much as i tried to do “what i was taught” in this gay life,
it has not worked at all.
i’ve spent too much time trying to decipher if someone likes me.
it has has made me so depressed and un-wanted.
before I was introduced to “what i had to do to be successful in this life”,
i felt like things were so much more peaceful.
i’ve come to the conclusion i’ve been trying too hard to be “me”.
i thought i knew who i was,
but i really don’t.
so i know i’m here to be:
and if i’m lucky,
a potential partner
i’m ready to erase all that i’ve “learned” and start off as a clean slate.
crazy that i’ve been thinking of a new era in my life too.
this just might be it.