I Can(t) Change

i can’t change

i can’t change the way folks view me.
i can’t change the idiots who run my job.
i can’t change the wolves that weren’t attracted to me.
i can’t change the times the things others have done to disappoint me.
i can’t change the shade that has been thrown at me.
i can’t change the folks who went ghost on me.
i can’t change the minds of people who don’t like me.
i can’t change the way star fox was taken from me.
i can’t change the outcomes of things i had high hopes for.

i can only change the way i react to things.
it all came to me as i was sitting in my epsom salt bath just now.
i’ve been trying to change and control things and other people.
there are a lot of things i’ve expected that didn’t work out.
my expectations might have been too high.
not to mention,
the hurt that i’ve felt by certain people that have been in my life.
i’ve been carrying around years and years of hurt from folks,
to be perfectly honest,
probably don’t even care what they did to me.
it has left me feeling:

drained
disgusted
depressed

what i realize is i can only change myself and the way i view things.
it’s kinda easy,
but then it’s not.
i have to start changing the way i speak to myself.
the way i’ve been viewing myself has been less than stellar.
how do i expect to get anywhere if i can’t big “me” up?
i shouldn’t need anyone to do that.
i need to be my own cheerleader when no one else is cheering.
i’m not going to die of loneliness.
i need to work on being my own friend/lover/sugar daddy.
i’ve come a long way and accomplished so many things.
it might not be as big as others,
but i got so much strength from my past experiences.
the folks who aren’t in my life anyone:

some weren’t meant to be thereย 
the rest i may have fucked up with

…and that’s okay.
there are a few that don’t deserve to be there.
if we are meant to connect again to the ones i fucked up with,
we will and i won’t be scared to make the first move.
if not,
it is what it is.
there are a billion others who need a “jamari fox” on their side.

i am starting to come out of that depression i was in.
i believe you need to fall off the mountain to face what pulled you down.
those mental health days really helped too.
i’m ready to return back to that working world tomorrow.
i will try my hardest to keep this same energy.

lowkey: i like when i’m like this.
i can feel life running through me.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

3 thoughts on “I Can(t) Change

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