one of my biggest fear in the past was being outed.
either for my sexuality,
this website,
or being interested in males who seemed interested in me.
i became a recluse out of fear of people and their thoughts of me.
i was carrying around such a heavy load of shame within myself.
i was thinking about my fear of being turned on for liking “such and such”…
Such and Such finds out I’m interested because I thought he was
I learn that he is straight and he wasn’t(?)
Such and Such tells everyone we know I was interested in him
I end up being burned at the stake for being attracted to him
“How could he think you are cute and hit on you?
I knew he was a f*ggot!
Let’s burn him at the stake.”
some of us have been there.
your sexuality is weaponized by people you thought fucked with you.
it can traumatic when you start seeing people siding with him.
now you’re being talked about,
shunned,
and maybe even threatened.
as i heal my wounds and close the doors of fear,
my thoughts on this have changed.
Yeah,
I thought he was cute.
And?
usually,
the people who have issues with this are:
Homophobic Straights
Male Identified Women
Pick-Mes
The Betas in the Pack
these people always act like their tuff but they aren’t.
they are actually bitches and pussies tbh.
the females tend to fan the flames tbh.
they are usually attracted to the male and you became a threat.
they had to ruin you in the process.
the males in his pack are gonna side with him.
you won’t win unless someone is brave enough to say:
“So?
Is this really a big deal?
He wasn’t raped or sexually harassed.
This is really embarrassing for all of you.”
sadly,
you are that person since that is what YOU would do tho.
others are too follower-based to do that.
if people turn on you because of this:
BYE!
if some male has a problem with me thinking he is attractive,
that sounds like a “him” problem to me.
it also sounds like he liked that i thought he was cute.
he made it seem he was interested in me anyway,
but he wasn’t supposed to like it was coming from another male.
people have their own insecurities and issues we don’t know about.
i’ve learned that it wasn’t that i was scared to be outed,
but i was scared people i really liked would turn on/leave me.
it was a fear of rejection from everyone and that was the problem.
so ultimately…
It wasn’t their problem; it was a ME problem
they all showed how terrible they actually were and left anyway.
the fear was them leaving,
including the dude,
and they left so…
i lost in the end when i could have been unapologetically me.
these are the things that make me sad when i look back.
i burned myself.
lowkey: a majority of these males i was into were dusties anyway.
i saw myself as a dusty due to my low self-worth and was attracted to that.
straight or not,
99% of these jackals shouldn’t even breathe the same air as me.
the pick-mes that were obsessed with them were more their speed.
shame on me.
The best advice my former therapist ever gave me was, ‘you have to forgive yourself’. You have to stop punishing yourself for not having gotten it all right in your past.
That shit hit me like a brick!
Forgive yourself for being flawed and having a mistake filled past, like most.
^ i think that’s the hardest part jb!
looking back and seeing so many mistakes,
but also feeling like i looked so stupid.
i see why some people avoid therapy because it makes you feel so vulnerable and open 😂
If you can say you genuinely didn’t know you were shooting yourself in the foot, then stop punishing yourself. Humility isn’t universal, unfortunately. The world/life will continue to beat us up enough; we don’t need to do it to ourselves over mistakes. Now, if you keep making the same mistakes repeatedly, then that requires a deeper dive, but beating yourself up about ‘if I had only done ____’, is where you have to really forgive yourself. No one will nail you to a cross like you.
^so wise jb.
thank you for this.
This is a big part of gay culture because I have been there a time or two especially in high school. You don’t want to lose people because you made a mistake thinking that they got down and they didn’t and then you lose the friendship too.
Whew Lord! This whole entry just reached into my soul on today!
Jamari keep doing the work you’re doing because you never know who you are helping make it through to another day. Just simply thank you.
^ ♥️♥️♥️♥️