there was a time when star fox and i were not speaking.
it was very early in our friendship.
i was running with some popular straight wolves.
wolves that i thought liked me as a person.
they had me doing a lot of dumb shit,
but i wanted to prove my “straightness” to the world.
well in a “fuck shyt” move,
i chose those clowns over star fox.
actually i dropped karaoke as well.
see they weren’t “straight” and “hood”.
my insecurities made me look at them as the bad guys.
well ain’t it funny…
they betrayed me and left me at the side of the road.
who came to pick me up and dust me off?
the same star fox.
karaoke also let me back in her life again.
star fox told me how much i hurt him when we finally talked about it.
it took a while to recover our friendship,
but i never did it again.
the lesson was learned.
i have been in a “post high hangover”.
it has been a lot of sleep,
and deep thoughts.
i thought a lot about my friendship with work wolf mostly.
i realized something…
aside from liking him,
and that one incident two weeks ago,
he hasn’t done anything wrong to me.
hell if anything,
i should be very appreciative.
he has done things for me that he didn’t have to.
hell he literally hands me his credit card and tells me buy what i want.
i was actually thinking of slowly distancing myself from him.
i had no solid answer to back up that decision.
i always flip flop with him.
i’m very fuckin’ scared.
when i write about him to express myself,
it creates a lot of comments from my the foxhole.
like a lot.
i have experienced many a dragging.
sometimes i get wrapped up in those comments.
i don’t care what anyone says.
work wolf is attracted to me.
he does things that no average straight wolf does.
the thing is,
i also see how deeply confused he is.
he may never want to even do anything with me.
his comfort may just be an emotional relationship.
i need pipe tho.
in my tail.
in my mouth.
in my ear.
so i won’t be waiting around.
as we get close tho,
i start to see just how much he is that i once was.
that’s not meant to be an excuse,
but i do feel sorry for him.
how can i drop someone because they aren’t “together” yet?
star fox and karaoke didn’t drop me.
hell they put up with my constant mistakes.
they also dragged the fuck outta me when i didn’t ask for it.
she always been good at giving a gut punch.
i had to wonder what my life would have been like if they left?
the foxhole wouldn’t exist
killed myself off a long time ago
i need to stop expecting him to be something he isn’t.
that’s my fault.
he might not even be the wolf for me.
i do value our friendship and i can see myself loving him.
he told me he loved me just the other day.
i didn’t reply.
who knows if he was serious or not.
thats my own insecurities about the “l” word.
i feel i’m his “star fox”.
he isn’t in my life to help me,
but for me to help him.
we could be friends forever or friends for a season.
we could end up fucking or i may fuck his soul up.
i don’t know.
all i know is i need to not let my attraction destroy “this”.
i also need to accept him for who he is,
but realize he may or may not be ready for any change i suggest.
i can’t control him.
i can only give suggestions and give him space to make mistakes.
oh and a much needed dragging when i feel fit.
i learned from the best.
oh and i’m not going to be perfect with him.
if you truly have my back,
you will understand.
i completely understand.