f0xmail: Im Being Tested With My Faith? Help!

tumblr_ld6llnQEXJ1qble1so1_500FOXMAIL

Hi Jamari,

First off let me say how much I appreciate you and what you do. I’ve had a rough couple of months and I can’t tell you how much your site has meant to me. I’m 22 and just recently graduated from NC State and like you I’m looking for work. Being at home has allowed me to do a lot of thinking about my life and where its going. It also has really forced me to come to terms with my sexuality. I’ve always known I was gay, but I guess I still had it in my mind that I would go through my life pretending not to be. I’ve realized that that is simply out of the question. Reading your blog has really helped me to start coming into my foxhood and for that I am so grateful. Everyday I look forward to what you are going to say, because it is always something insightful and amusing and always manages to lift my spirits. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with up and coming foxes like myself who are just trying to find their way. What you do is so important, and it really means the world to me.

Now, I hear you talk a lot about having faith and maintaining a relationship with God and I think that is really beautiful. I know that for the past 6 months or so I have been having a real crisis of faith. I grew up in a christian family, but not one of those crazy, cast out demons, speakin in tongues families thankfully. Anyway, my faith has always been important to me. I guess struggling with being gay was always something I could push to the back of my mind, but now that I’m getting older I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Sometimes I find myself asking if there even is a God? I know I’m not bound for hell. I know I’m a good person. But this whole situation is really testing me. Could you talk a little about your spiritual journey and how you’ve managed to keep your faith in spite of it all?

MY ANSWER…

first and foremost,
i want to thank you for reaching out with these kind words.
i actually read this email a couple times and this is why i do what i do.
not for internet fame and a quick 15 minutes.
i do it because there are people like me,
out there,
who need my voice.
im not trying to be the rescue ranger of the lifestyle,
but i do want to leave my mark and inspire a foxhole in the process.
now i know sometimes i have my moments,
but those moments make me who i am.
the journey is tough and i didn’t want to sugar coat it.
this letter meant alot and im extremely humbled to have touched your (and anyones) life.

well i have to say i didn’t always walk on spiritual journey.
now i am not a bible thumping christian at all.
i curse like a sailor,
i fantasize about slapping people,
and i can think about sex sall day.
he does not a bible thumper make.
(or maybe it does?)
i was confused with god because here i was told that you had to be a good person,
pray every night,
and give thanks to the lord and he will bless your life.
uh huh.
yeah.
im struggling.
the morons of the world tho…
they making moves and throwing flags on every mountain they climb.
i’ve even met christians that were the worst people ever.
so i use to be like,
“well what the fucccckkkkkkk?”.
just angry about everything.
so i gave up on god because i was praying and doing what i was suppose to do.
nothing.
i also use to think god was low key punishing me because i liked guys.
my parents were also like your family.
but mine were the annoying “you’ll go to hell if you sneeze the wrong way” types.
i remember them bashing gay people behind closed doors.
as only good christian folk do, right?
so here i am lusting at dudes,
trying my hardest to be “straight” in my parents eyes,
but still in this mindset of going to hell.
shit was tough.

14dnk03it wasn’t until i lost my parents,
and had to be on my own,
that i was forced to hold god’s hand.
to be honest,
i don’t know how i got here at this place in my life.
making it this far is still a mystery to me.
when i look back,
i’ve had faith,
but i had it subconsciously.
anything i said i wanted in my mind,
i got.
it didn’t happen right away,
but it happened eventually.
i go through really tough moments,
ones that knock me down,
but i still try to keep “holding on”.
i screamed on god sometimes,
but he knows i’m not cursing him.
i was just confused as to why things happened the way they did.
now i take it as it wasn’t meant to “be”,
i wasn’t suppose to go “there”,
i wasn’t suppose to mess with “him”,
people drop out my life,
it happened for a reason.
as hard as that can be to swallow.

swallownowadays i don’t worry if god cares if i’m gay.
are you kidding me?
there are some really powerful people in this lifestyle who have it all.
he made as this person.
the person i am typing this reply to you.
he knew what he was doing when he made me,
as he did with you.
so what i do is:

thank god for my blessings no matter how small
 talk to him like i’m talking to a friend
 reflect on the things i have been brought out of
hold on to the images of me at my best i have in my head
2 middle fingers to the bible thumpers and their contradictory bullshit
never apologizing for who i am
and try to be as optimistic as i can after every setback

someday it will all make sense why things happened the way it did.
hope that helps a little and please keep me updated.

love,
jf

lowkey: also check out ( x this site ) when you are down.
it helps me a lot.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “f0xmail: Im Being Tested With My Faith? Help!

  1. Everyone’s faith gets tested at some pointed and time. Life has its challenges, and I have learned to accept that. The journey of life was not made to be easy. There will be good times and bad times, but you just have to roll with the punches. It will get better though. Man, before the economy even got bad, people we still struggling to find work after college. The good thing is, you got that degree, so you have a leg up over half the people searching. That is why I want to get mine.

    1. Thanks Man. I know having a degree is gonna eventually give me an advantage so I just have to try and keep that in mind. But sometimes I’m just like “damn can I catch a break already?” Anyway I just have to be patient and keep on pushin. By the way, good luck with you and pursuing your education.

  2. Sounds like I wrote that foxmail.My faith has been tested again and again and again but I always manage to find a way back to God and believing.I also use God as therapist.I rant and rave to him and I always wished he would talk back.I know if he did I’d shit my heart out right on the spot.It’s great to use God as a therapist because he already knows everything anyways.Someone told me that God already knows us and the kind of person we’ll be in the womb.Maybe he tests us to see how strong are faith is.Maybe the struggles we go through aren’t tests from him and shit just happens.I think it’s a bit of both.We’ll never know until we die.My faith is definitely bigger than a mustard seed.Thank God mustard seeds are small as fuck.

    1. That is exactly what I’ve been going through. It’s like I have periods where I’ll say I don’t believe in God anymore but all the while it’s like he’s constantly pulling me back towards him. I guess I just have to stop fighting and trust him.

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