i could not wait to get to therapy yesterday.
some therapy sessions are just venting,
but when i find out something about myself,
i get excited that i want to share it.
after i unloaded about yesterday’s entry,
i wanted to share a technique he did that really helped…

he told me to close my eyes.
imagine one of the pictures i saw of myself from the wedding.
he said he wants me to put my feet in the shoes of the antagonist in my head.
that person is the one who is extremely critical of me.

I found it really easy to rip myself apart.

the voice sounded very familiar to me.
it sounded like one of the adults i loved from my past a child.
they were extremely critical of me,
which helped in destroying my self-esteem and worth.
i heard the voices of the bullies in schools who used to tease me tremendously too.

next,
he told me to put myself in the shoes of the protagonist in my head.
the one who is minding his business and is just trying to be.
he wants to be happy but here goes this asshole looking for something to ruin my day.
my therapist asked me three questions in the protagonist:

“How does it feel to hear those things that were said to me?”

“Isn’t it hurtful to hear such horrible being things being said to you?”

“Why is that okay to sit there and take that?”

i saw myself as a little boy again,
hurt and cowering.
that little boy felt sad and destroyed to be told such harsh things about himself.
he didn’t have anyone to turn to so he kept all his feelings bottled inside.
he watched others get the love that he deserved too.
it made me cry because it hurt me very much.

i felt that made in a shift within my Universe.
he told me it’s time to start healing this hurt child inside me.
not only that,
i need to open up the cages to the many other facets within me that i locked away.

The goal is that all of these sides need to work together as allies and not enemies.

once that happens,
the breakthrough will begin.
i’m almost there.