you can’t fill the voids in your life with people who don’t understand your love/friend language

after my parents died,
there was a void i wanted to be filled.
my family took the will money and went right back to barbados.
i was young,
alone,
and in my parent’s home.
you know what that meant?…

FREEDOM

i was under semi-strict lock and key when they were alive,
but i was able to do what i wanted since i was on my own.
i met some straight-but turned out be-jackals and invited them in to fill what i was missing.
rebellion was my grieving process.
they introduced me to weed,
drinking,
and fuckin’.
i was letting folks take my car to do drug runs.
i thought i could trust them.
i let them do whatever they wanted because i wanted to be cool.
once my inheritance money was gone,
so were they.
i was left homeless,
broke,
and a joke.

I understand Megan Thee Stallion after today

i get why she was up in people’s face now.
at one point of my life.
after losing parents so young,
i wanted to fill my spaces to handle my grief.
people warned me to watch out,
but i was a kid and way too stubborn.
i see it with my sister now tbh.

She filled spaces in her own life to replace everything that she lost,
including her innocence.

they filmed one of her suicide attempts and put it on snapchat.

after getting burned so much,
i’ve learned to stay out of the mix.
i know when to chill and when to politely decline.
i use to be in the mix real heavy,
but i learned there is no love in there.
it’s all clout chasing and flexing for social media.
i’ll see people suckin’ up to those who want to be put on.
sometimes,
i wish i was apart of the cool kids,
but i learned what that life was like really early so i’m guarded af.

I might come off as someone who is stone cold,
and prone to distance himself at times,
but it’s a self defense mechanism now.

i don’t trust people because when i love,
i love really hard.
some folks don’t understand that love language because they’re robots.
i wish it was different,
but i’ve learned (and still trying to accept) how fake and fucked up some people can be.
i tried to fill voids in my life because i can suffer with loneliness and fomo.
i attach and get attracted to the wrong people who don’t know how to handle all of me.
it’s something i’m trying to work on,
but those who lost parents know what i mean.
i’m sending megan all the love and healing.


this is what prompted this entry:

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

8 thoughts on “you can’t fill the voids in your life with people who don’t understand your love/friend language

  1. This was an extremely touching post Mari. I really cannot imagine what it must’ve been like losing your parents and coming up on your own at a young age like that. My condolences to you. I mean you always have my condolences, but this is my first time directly writing it to you. Also you are so right about loving people really hard only to be burned hard in the process. This is why I too have a guard that I put up (ESPECIALLY at work) because once I fucks with you I FUCKS with you. Also I’m a Sagittarius so you already know we loyal af.

    1. ^thank you mj.
      i have to remember to keep my guard up and always give new people a bit of distance before they can be let in.
      loving hard has not been kind to me over the years.
      hell,
      i’ve written about it a lot within the foxhole.

      when i write these entries,
      they feel like such a release.
      i know folks will be moreso under the lamont entry,
      but i couldn’t let the day go on without sharing me thoughts on this.

      1. As you shouldn’t. This is your blog and you are definitely entitled to writing/sharing whenever or whatever you want. It’s always good to get things off your chest. You may not always get a response and you may even get a few assholes who do respond, but you getting to express yourself is what’s important. Trust.

  2. I literally cried when I saw the video of her talking about losing her parents because my mother died from breast cancer when I was 24 and she was by best friend.When I lost my dad, it definitely felt like I had an enormous hole in my heart,an emptiness in my soul and it didn’t help that I am only child. Fortunately I didn’t lose both when I was under 25.I can’t even imagine.

    I think it’s great that she recognizes she was moving too fast and has had this time to sit down and self reflect and reevaluate who she was associating with.Maybe the shooting was a blessing in disguise,a wake up call.

    1. ^im sorry for your loss yc.
      trust me,
      i feel you 100%.

      we often get our wake up calls when we least expect it.
      she was trying to handle her grief similarly to mine and i didn’t even realize it.
      all that drinking was her form of grief through rebellion too.
      i’m glad she is seeing where she went wrong now before any career-ending shit went down.

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