What Happened to You, Jamari Fox?

art-cry-crying-girl-pink-Favim.com-2831244“where is my dinner?”

“i’m sorry,
i got in late because i had so much stuff to do for you…”

“that isn’t the question.”

“i’m sorry.
i’ll make dinner now.
i’ll put on something quick.”

“i don’t want something quick.
see thats the bullshit i’m talking about…”

“you said you were hungry…”

“yes,
but i don’t want no half assed shit…”

“well what do you want me to do?”

“i want you to get in the kitchen and make me a full fuckin meal.
you should have started that hours ago.”

“but i had to get your dry cleaning,
get the car looked at,
and…”

“again,
you should have started that early.
now dinner is going to be late and i’m hungry.”

“i’m sorry…”

you know what i’ve realized these last two years

somehow and somewhere,
i became the “abused wife” and didn’t even realize it.

mi
ww
job

along the line walking,
i fell and lost myself and who i was.
i started:

apologizing for everything
feeling needy so i wouldn’t be alone
turning the other cheek to things that bother me
feeling inadequate like i’m not worth anything
falling victim to fear
putting up with bad behavior and trying to “stick it out”

i’m not being the victim.
i’m pointing out all shit i do that went against who i use to be.
this wasn’t “me” before.
it was all about “me”,
but when others see you at you best,
they start to attack you so you can be in your worst.
they pull you down to their level and start to destroy you.

cry-dark-depressed-grunge-Favim.com-2334335i don’t know if it actually started after i lost my job,
or after star fox passed,
but all of this started around a few years ago.
everything was happening one after the other.
clearly i wasn’t strong because life has humbled me.
i feel my pain a lot stronger than i use to now.
it’s not numb with meeting temporary wolves or buying stuff.
i use to be so hungry and now…

splat.

i’m starting to feel “different” now.
i was telling left how i don’t care as much as i once did.

“that is what no fucks truly feel like.”

when something happens,
i don’t really obsess about it like i use to.
i feel hurt,
sometimes blaming myself,
but i’m starting to stand my ground.
in the meeting,
my boss never yelled at me.
he plays the “passive aggressive” shit most snow animals love.
i’ve witnessed him disrespecting others to the point of tears.
he knows better.

i wish i could press a button that will wipe the slate clean.
do a “system restore” back to when i was winning.
or maybe i don’t?
maybe i need to work on leveling up like a pokemon.
i find it hard to “go back to how i was”,
so i need to work with what i have.
back then,
i didn’t know as much.
i was:

 very ignorant to things
flip the fuck out without hesitation
say things that hurt people’s feelings

those days where it was all about me and everyone else be damned.
i had no cares in the world back then.
now i’m on level 2 because of the side effects of all the knives in my back.

 the good news?
i’m able to see where i went wrong and start to correct it.
it’s already starting.

lowkey: i notice all the people i like,
or characters in movies/tv,
are sorta variations like me.
hurt with walls up that crumble at any given moment.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

6 thoughts on “What Happened to You, Jamari Fox?

  1. I feel ya 100 percent with this post. Years ago when I was younger I saw the world with rose colored glasses, then life got me and I got depressed and started feeling worthless. I too think back to when I was happier and want those times back but we can’t live in the past we have to keep trucking for a brighter future if we don’t we’ll only be settin ourselves up for disappointment.

      1. Trust you’re not the only one with these thoughts but it’s OK because when the happy times do come you’ll be able to appreciate them that much more

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