i’ve been learning something about myself these last few weeks.
hell maybe months?
it is something that finally gave me the much needed “aha” moment i deserved…
i like to think as i’m sure everyone who knows me knows.
many times tho,
i can become trapped in my own head.
i mean its not all so bad.
thinking has helped me find what i’m looking for to express on my site.
it has also helped me get out of trouble or squashed issues before they happen.
people come to me for advice because of whats going on in my brain.
they know when they ask me something,
i will carefully think it through until i give them the right answer.
even in having sex,
i am able to figure out what pleases a wolf.
i’ll think about the freaky things to make his toes curl.
with great skill also comes with greater challenge.
that challenge is my perfect ability to “over think” things.
something happens and i will try to break it down into a million pieces for the answer.
star fox even use to call me on it:
“jamari you think too much.
its like you are peeling something into layers.
most of the times,
there isn’t any layers to even peel.”
to this day,
i never forgot what he said.
“over thinking” has been my biggest flaw.
a suppressed hindrance.
it has stopped me from actually letting go and having a good time.
see i have a habit of thinking about the worst first.
i also think my flaws into something bigger than they are.
“i have a pimple.
everyone can see it.”
“i’m not like these muscle foxes out here.
i am just me.
me is bad.
that means wolves will think i’m ugly.”
thinking has made me mentally abusive to myself.
i put others higher than i do myself.
i think i’m not worth it or someone else is better.
this site has helped me see that many i deemed “better” actually aren’t.
so yeah blah blah blah…
what i have learned these last few weeks is “feeling”.
its also called “instincts”.
learning to go off feeling rather than thinking.
why not just “feel” good?
why think “bad”?
why “think” i don’t look good even when i do?
why not feel like i am capable of success and love?
what i’m learning is over thinking creates the emotion that i do not want.
it makes things happen because i’ve set it in my focus.
it creates fear of being a truly confident person.
doubting everything you do.
it makes a mess of basically nothing.
so i’m going to start feeling.
feeling like i already have what i want.
what it would feel like if i had the wolf i want.
the one who pleases my body and makes me orgasm on command.
the successful career.
the one that affords my luxuries.
the one i get to see smiling faces who support me.
what would it feel like if i could afford to go down to barneys right now?
being able drop an easy 1200 on whatever i wanted?
then be able to call my driver to bring me home.
what does “power” feel like?
that feels good.
it makes me smile.
it makes me look forward for whats to come.
sure it is fantasy,
but it also creates good energy.
people pick up on energy.
potential wolves feed off energy.
i know my energy has been all out of wack lately.
i’ll take the “l” for that one.
i’m going to start the process of feeling this go round.
i feel the results are going to work in my favor.