some parents need to love their children better.
if mine were alive,
i would have told them that exact statement.
it really fucks us up as we develop into adults.
you can’t bribe us with toys and luxuries,
yell at us when we break their order of control,
and somehow think that’s great parenting.
there are levels to producing a quality human.
i was not taught to be one of them.
this was a deep conversation with a family member i had yesterday…
when i was born,
i was the only cub in the family.
one of the “golden family members” had my cousin hybrid.
from that point on,
all the attention shifted to him.
instead of my parents minding their business to raise me,
they got into this competition mode.
i was spoiled with whatever i wanted,
but when i didn’t do what other family members were doing,
i was damn near emotionally abused because of it.
“_____________ is passing his school work!
why aren’t you?
you’re so stupid..”
“___________ is got this award.
why did i get such an idiot?”
“___________ is playing sports.
you not a sissy are you?”
the sentences can go on and on.
i think i’d heard it all.
that was always in my foreground from my mother.
i had no choice but to believe it.
my father was always working.
he would only show up with toys and video games.
my parents didn’t teach me how to be a man.
they never taught me about going to college or saving money.
it was all appearances for them.
i had to teach myself the basics of that.
i don’t even know if i succeeded in doing that.
which is one of the reasons i’ve always felt so suicidal.
i didn’t feel anything about me.
i didn’t love me.
i felt cold about me.
they made me feel cold about me.
i was just something to dress up and parade around.
i was used as a competitive tool.
i compare myself to others as i was with my family.
i don’t think they ever “loved me”.
they loved “the idea” of me.
i don’t ever feel “worth it”.
seeking validation from folks who hurt me the most.
i’m getting better at letting go,
but it was hard.
now that i can afford things i like/want,
none of that means anything anymore.
a peace of mind,
learning my worth,
going hard for my dreams,
and being my own cheerleader are better gifts i want to receive.
like a foxholer said in a previous entry,
everything else is white noise.
i’m a mess,
but this is what brought this blog to life.
as fun as it is to talk about celebs/pop culture on occasion,
pain is what’s truly inside jamari fox.
i can’t imagine where i’d be without it.
there is more (self) work to do tho.
the more i dig deep,
the stronger i feel.
i won’t be truly successful until then.
lowkey: i believe this is why i wanted to love and save others.
since i was compared to so many other folks,
i see whats wrong with everyone else but me.
learning to redirect all that towards me now.