Jamari, You In Danger Boy!

tumblr_l3gkmcLpDH1qzv8n5o1_500_largethe funeral was actually really nice.
huge turn out.
it took me a minute to actually walk into the church initially.
i was scared.
super scared to see him in the casket.
super duper scared that i may drop and start bawling like a lost child.
my watery eyes hid behind sunglasses.
there lay the shell of my former friend.
he wore a nice tux and a skinny tie.
they knew that was his favorite.
i sat with his family and they embraced me.
they knew we were close that i almost thought they assumed we dated.
his ex surprised me.
he actually stuck really close to me.
we gonna talk about that in a sec…


anyway the thing about star fox is no one knew he had this “other” life.
a lot of wolves and foxes showed up in sprinkles.
some i’m sure he met within the lifestyle.
others he may have spoken to or messed with.
i instantly knew because they just came in,
paid their respects,
and sat down in the back.
the service was nice.
it felt more like a celebration of his short life than sadness.
i did show my natural born ass at the grave tho.
we all threw roses into the grave as they lowered him into the ground,
i dropped to my knees in tears.
his family wasn’t none the better.
i didn’t know how to handle it.
i was overcome with grief.
overall my friend is officially been sent home.
resting peacefully in his new home.
i still don’t believe it.
all i kept saying as i cried was “don’t leave me”.
after the funeral i went back to his parent’s house to eat.
they had a big lunch waiting for all the family and friends.
i saw no of the wolves and foxes in the church there.
this is where it goes from “sentimental moment” to “scandal episode”
his ex was pretty much all over me the whole day.
would not leave my side.
even held my hand and hugged me.
i admitted to him that i hated him the way he did star fox.
he cheated on him.
he knew he was the love of star fox’s life and ruined it.
he admitted he was wrong.
he damn near broke down because he was sorry.
he also broke up with the hybrid he cheated on star fox with.
what i couldn’t admit out loud was that i was always attracted to him.

floydthinkingi hate myself for even typing that.
i never would have done anything scandalous with him,
but he was a really good looking wolf.
he was also my type.
his triflin’ ways weren’t.

x his whole situation

seeing him again brought back way too many thoughts.
“disgraceful fox hoe” was one.
the thoughts when star fox was alive.
the way he looked at me today,
even when we met couple years ago.
it also told me he was also attracted to me on the low.
his eyes always told another story.
star fox always talked about me to him,
but he was surprised when we met and i wasn’t some mud duck.
i hated myself for even thinking about him in “that way” today and even before.
even with all his shitty moments (see what did there?),
he wasn’t a bad person and actually has a good heart.
he just wasn’t ready to be committed to star fox.
he is still young and star fox hit him with some serious shit.
something he wasn’t use to.
he was used to being in control and fuckin’ the hell out of random tail.
he actually loved star fox.
he admitted all that today.
said he has changed.
we exchanged numbers innocently before i came home.
he said he wanted to hit me up.
chill and reminisce sometime.
he dropped all his old friends and is alone these days.
was that even right?
am i just vulnerable?
or am i a big time hoe ass nigga?
my friend is not even cold in the grave.
i don’t want star fox to come back and haunt my ass.
i feel terrible.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “Jamari, You In Danger Boy!

  1. I am glad you shared your experience with us even though today was really hard for you. I wish I was there to support you. I remember seeing my grandmother cry for the first time over her brother, as they lowered his casket in the ground. I felt SO bad. She kept saying “Don’t leave me” like a little child. I felt so hopeless. I find comfort that Star Fox is watching over you now.

    I DON’T think it’s a good idea to even associate with his X. His X was an X for a reason and I DON’T want him to do what he did to Star Fox to you. Keep him at bay!

    1. ^the hardest thing about a funeral is lowering the casket into the ground.
      that is when it hits you that the person inside is officially gone.
      past memories you shared flash before your eyes.
      there will be no future.

      as far as the ex,
      i feel bad for even thinking about him in that way.
      we now have a special bond because of star fox.
      i don’t want to cut him off because i’m sure he has no one to talk to about this and his feelings.

  2. J, be careful man, its easy to fall into something when you are grieving and missing someone, you really are not in your right mind. I remember when my mom died a friend of mine ask me for a large sum of money and Im usually frugal and dont give money on a whim, but I did, I never got my money, I wasnt so mad about the money as I was that I was taken advantage of because I was still grieving and my normal thinking patterns were not on. I actually let a couple of grand get away from me from ruthless people taking advantage of my mental state. So its very easy to do something that we wouldnt normally do because we are in pain. I would tell you however to keep his number or contact info because no one can comfort you like someone who knew the person as intimately as you knew them, but its too soon, you need to be alone in your thoughts for at least 6months, maybe even up to a year and then maybe contact him to reminiscence about the good times, you will dodge a bullet and if he talks to you, you know he is sincere. If he suddenly starts hitting you up real soon like say next week, you may want to get away from him because he may not be sincere.

    This situation is going to test you and you will see what you are made of but you have been through some rough storms these last two years and you are still holding on, so you wont break from this one. I always tell myself, that I am not the only one who have lost best friends, parents, loved ones and I wont be the last, if others made it through, I know I am just as strong and I can make it through as well. Dont worry God is going to send you another person to fill the void, of course it wont be the same but you will appreciate your friendship with Star Fox even more. I still can laugh thinking about my best friend and all the good times we shared, and I try to be a better person to make him proud of the person I have become since he left here. You are going to be just fine, it just takes time.

  3. I’ve been wanting to say something about this for a while, and didn’t really know what to say..we love you J… And I know a loss is hard.. You are vulnerable, you’re not a slut, but it can definitely feel that way. In this life, our world is small, we are like a family, with crazy cousins and all, but we all still have one thing in common, we are homosexual. And each and every one if us has secrets, and issues that pertain only to this life, that are not for the rest if the world because only we understand. I’m proud that you dealt as well as you did, and it will get easier. However you’ve connected with someone from your past, will everything turn out perfect and you guys become besties? Who knows?! But know this,agod doesn’t make mistakes, he may be come your friend, or just what you need in your time of need, a learning experience, or maybe more… None of us knows, but grieve how you grieve, if that’s what you need now, accept the message, the messenger isn’t necessary… I’m praying for you, you’re in my mind and my thoughts.. It gets greater later…Insha’ Allah

  4. Jamari, Luckey and Tajan are right on the money. You’ll vulnerable and the ex picked up on it and is on a mission. And, that little voice I always I always talk about is talking to you. In fact, it’s screaming at you. Listen to it.

  5. go burn that number now, aint no good gonna come from you if you don’t do right by star fox and his memory and the good times you had. if you run into the x tell him for your sanity it was best to not call him

    1. thank you everyone for your replies.
      I don’t want to be with him,
      because I know his dating resume,
      but I feel really sexually attracted.
      i don’t know if it’s because,
      like everyone said,
      i am just feeling vulnerable.
      i saw him today and I got so horny.
      what bothers me the most is that even thinking about it feels like betrayal.

  6. J. PLAIN AND SIMPLE…. DON’T DO IT. LET THE EX ALONE. THINK OF YOUR FRIEND AND HOW THE EX TREATED HIM. OUT OF RESPECT OF YOUR FRIEEND.. LEAVE THE EX ALONE.

    1. don’t let anyone live your life for u. it may be just what you need. someone whose connected to a mutual friend who can talk to u on that level and rub your back through it. ain’t nobody got time for hiding how u truly feel and pushing happiness away no matter how it is disguised. DO U SIR!

  7. Hey Jamari my sympathies man. Cherish the memories.
    In the meantime life goes on. Life is also for the living.
    So if you want to go get that dick go get it. Something special may come of it or something may not. But at least you know the deal about the ex going into it.
    Good luck!

  8. My thoughts and prayrs are with you Mr. Fox, and I hope you can feel the love and positive vibes we are all sending your way. Do not feel bad for having certain feelings and emotions. You are human and its natural instinct. You BOTH are grieving, lonely, and vulnerable and you both are lookn to fill the void with somebody. He presents a convience cause you kno him and you dont have to work that hard in the end, but I do feel that you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak for a few moments of pleasure. Find someone else to scratch THAT itch, and continue on your journey sir. We will all be here for you eithr way lol. 🙂 <3

  9. I know yesterday was hard for you man. You’ll be alright.

    I just wanna say this. Jamari is a grown man who can make his own decisions. Everyone is giving him advice on what to do about this dude. Only Jamari knows about this guy, we DO NOT, so no one can really give a valid opinion because we don’t know the dude, or what his relationship with Star Fox was like. Did any of you read the older entries about dude? Some are saying go for it while some others are saying he shouldn’t. Jamari has not shared any huge details about the relationship this dude had with Star Fox, it could have been horrible. It’s a lot of niggas I would fuck. I’ve thought some nasty shit while just driving through the hood…shit, but most of them aren’t good. A friend of mine from high school drove me crazy. He was fine, had dark brown bedroom eyes, jet black hair that was natural, he was dark skin, and had a nice little ass. He knew how to touch me right from a physical standpoint. He had just the right touch you guys, damn. One day in Geometry class I was doing my warm up, and all of a sudden I felt a hand rubbing my head. I hate my head being touched cause I don’t like having my waves and shit messed up lol. I dropped that pencil, my head drifted back an inch and I was in a trance. My mouth was open and all. It felt so good, and I didn’t care who saw lol. When I turned to see who it was, it was dude of course. I was like WTF? We stared at each other for a moment and he went sat in his seat in front of me. We took advantage of sitting close to each other of course. I would pluck his ear, hit him upside the head and shit, typical guy shit. I wanted to bend him over and fuck his handsome ass so bad, but I knew what the consequences would have been. Seen him in Dec and he was look rough, but he still looked good lol. I would prob. slip up and hit if he asked me. I would have had to because I wanted him for so long, and the opportunity may not present itself again. The point is, temptation can get you, but you don’t always have too fall for it. If you choose to act on just be careful.

  10. You have my deepest condolences. I hope you find peace. All I can advise you is to be aware and be careful. You’re only human and you’re grieving, so only time will tell how y’all relationship will end up. Whatever you decide; it’s your life and I’m sure Star Fox would want you to live your best life.

  11. My deepest condolences, May your friend rest in peace. As for your other problem I suggest you do a old school pros vs cons list, don’t share it with anyone and really think hard on listing both. See which one has the most, it may help clear your mind and come to a choice

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