I’m Not A Bad Person

my main goal is to find the happiness i had a few week’s ago.
i was in such a good place.
i was in this state of bliss that i couldn’t explain.
when i woke up in the morning,
i had tons of energy.
it was like…
i was having great sex with someone i’m sexually attracted to.
i was horny about everything.
i was finally in a good place.
now…

i feel like something is off.
something in the energy feels off af.
it’s like i was in a heavy lust,
but i’ve been cut off from feeling the pleasure.
my energy is low,
i’m crying with no explanation,
and i want to stay in bed.
all of this racial shit in the news,
and having to experiencing it at work,
has really been bringing me down.
after all these random suicides,
i was ready to be outta here too.
it was so bad that i envisioned my own suicide a week ago.
i had this vivid dream about doing it.
these celebrities killing themselves made me realize something.

– leaving new yawk and moving to another state
– getting rich and being able to afford everything
– becoming a professional blogger
– be at every party and ribbon cutting
– go on vacations to the most amazing places

– having sex with the finest wolves the world has to offer

if i’m not happy within myself,
none of that stuff matters.
it will be bandages used to cover up my internal struggle.
i see and know so many others are doing that.
they can’t stop fuckin the entire sex apps,
doing reckless drugs,
or going into debt because they’re unhappy.
when they face themselves in their alone time,
they have to distract and turn something into an addiction.
so when i ask myself:

“Jamari,
what would make me happy?”

i already know the answer.

“I want the voices in my head to stop telling me i’m not worth it,
i’ll never be successful,
i won’t find love,
i’ll never have sex again,
people don’t love me,
they won’t support the foxhole,
and i need to kill myself because no one will care.”

when i can get that together,
and be fully happy to be me,
i’ll finally be where i need to be.
right now,
i’m just surviving what is trying to take me out.

lowkey: i am my own worst enemy.
how can i change that?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

16 thoughts on “I’m Not A Bad Person

  1. J, yesterday was a low point for me, for whatever reason out of the blue, a wave of depression has washed over me these last couple of week, and yesterday it came to head at work, when I had worked on a report for 6 hours straight staying late to meet the deadline and the server crashed making me lose the whole thing. I was devastated, and just wanted to say Fukk it all, it was like the final thing of a bunch of little things that have been bothering me all week. My old MP3 player crashed the other day, sending me in a tailspin, and now the work thing, I know that it is something deeper that these little things make me so upset and get me so off balance. I always sweat the small stuff and it is the small stuff that gets to me, I have been doing a lot of self reflection this year and know what some of the problem is, but at times, I feel I cant even deal with addressing it because it is nobody I really trust to open up to. Last night, I just said you know what, it has to be better tomorrow and surprisingly today, just looking at the sunshine and realizing I am still here and still blessed, more than many, even in this dark space I am in right now. You have to realize, if it is just one person, somebody who you dont even know or will ever meet has been blessed by your Blog and it quite possibly saved their life, so keep that in mind at your lowest points, your voice matters to someone.

    1. ^i try to remember that.
      i’ll go look at emails from the foxhole to make me remember why i’m here.

      i have decided to turn inward and start doing some self care.
      i don’t know if the planets are aligned differently,
      but i’ve felt completely off recently.
      i hope we get some much needed light back in our forests.

  2. You need to take a break from the city.

    I’ve noticed that I’ve had a habit to compare myself to people I’ve seen on social media or just random people on the streets who I think are doing better in life than me. You need a change of scenery to get a better and different perspective on where you are in life at present. Take the Amtrak to DC or Boston. Spend the weekend at a hotel in Midtown. Treat yourself. Take the Metro-North up the Hudson. Go to Jersey. Cry it out. Maybe speak to someone in Union Square. They always have those free advice people down there. You gonna get thru it.

    1. ^there is no doubt i need a vacation.
      i haven’t taken one in years and i need one.
      i’m planning to get away to see karaoke for the weekend,
      but i often equate this to a honey moon phase.
      one the initial pleasure has wore off,
      what’s next?
      you still have to be with you once the novelty wears off.

      what’s going on in my head is the issue.
      there was a moment that i was thinking and speaking nothing but positive.
      something happened and i fell off.

  3. My Dear wonderful, intelligent and beautiful brother. I hear you , see you and love you. Like me you are a caring person and this makes us sensitive to the world outside. You must not take on the outside forces where they bring negative energy Jamari. Life is AMAZING!!! Everyday is a new chance to start new.

    During your journey you feel sad ,happy ,horney etc.. the key is to not get stuck
    . When you do get stuck , PLEASE go to the nearest source of support for help ,Friend, Family ,Emergency, Call someone even the nearest stranger.. You will find happiness . I promise you ( smile) I love you

  4. Passion find a passion project helping others will make you feel better, pour into others, I too was at a low point but I had to know that I am just one of many who are alone and hurting, I prayed every moment and kept a good attitude, knowing I was to get my blessing, peace of mind and heart, peace be still, say this as often as you need to get through your day or nite. Peace be still.

  5. I’m really glad you were able to share this with us, I have my depressive moments as well. I just recently hit a low point been dealing with how I feel about myself, being single and feeling like the bottom of the rung just for being fem, and feeling stagnant in my career and life just been really an up and down situation for me it seems especially heavily in this year.

    I really want to have reached my goals or at least know for sure what I want goals wise but until then I’m trying to enjoy myself and make sure I don’t have that moment. But I’m glad you are still here and find that inner peace or at least close to it.

  6. I’m sitting here drinking coconut water & eating brown spaghetti with quinoa powder because I believe in equilibrium & I stumble upon this post.

    I think everyone gets depressed at some point but when that happens, it’s time to evaluate why you feel the way you do. Take a closer look at ones goals and priorities.

    Whether one is masculine, feminine, gay, bi or asexual, it’s time to take a step back, look in the mirror and ask yourself what it is you want to do.

    The Universe will help you get your heart desires but you will have to work towards getting it also.

    It’s also very important to remember, and this even applies to myself, everything you say or do, (even when no one is around) is energy added to your environment.

    As products of the Universe every single person has the ability to shape their own future and control their own path.

    Grab a piece of paper and compose a list of everything that you REALLY want. ( I.e. a husband, a new car, a house, more money… new job…etc)

    Now under each thing that you want, write how you have been working to obtain it or how you plan to obtain it. Under that, map out the risks and sacrifices you may encounter along the way and ask yourself are you willing to give up something to get something.

    You are a being of energy and energy requires action.

    Things one should also practice everyday when depression rears its ugly head:
    look in the mirror and uplift yourself.
    I am beautiful.
    I am talented.
    I am successful.
    I am healthy.
    I am alive.
    I am able.

    Before one can be the change, they have to want to change and that often begins within.

    Happiness is kinda like beauty. It’s relative. I enjoy relaxing outside on just the right nights to gaze at the stars.

    Some folks might think that’s boring as
    as hell and country and prefer to spend the night bouncing at the club on anda handstand & then you have the people in some parts of Africa or Brazil, who drink, bathe,wash clothes and use the bathroom in the same water, which is often filled hungry crocodiles. They have little food and none of our amenities and yet, they are happy. It may not be what we consider the best happiness but they keep on despite the danger lurking beneath their feets, they provide for their families, laugh, play and continue on. Gotta stay positive at all times and be happy and the rest will come.

  7. I understand this post completely, when chronic depressions hits it hits HARD. I wish I could give you the magic answer that will make it all go away and for you to feel better but I can’t everyone’s depression is not the same. What I can say is you’re not alone in this the foxhole care deeply for you and is grateful for this blog. I know you said before you were one medication but didn’t like the way it made you feel, if possible I would like to suggest going to a doctor and expressing these concerns and if you’re willing find some that won’t make you feel odd or codependent. I’m praying for you.

  8. The best thing about life is it is what you make it. If you don’t like what’s going on in your life you can always change it. You don’t like your job? Indeed.com until you find one you’re appreciated at. You want a new circle? Get out the house and start a conversation with someone you admire. You want to fuck someone you actually like? Give your crush a compliment. Leave your comfort zone at home. Take risks, try a new approach and you might get desirable results.

    The thing is no one owes you shit. No one is coming to save you. You are responsible for your feelings, thoughts, life, and etc.

    Once I realized that my life started to change for the better. I hope it works for you too. Every negative thought is a waste of your time. Change your way of thinking. Change your life. You know how amazing you are. Focus on that.

  9. Jamari I can not add much to what has already been said except You are loved out here. I have been out of the country for 40 years and I have been following you for years. I have come back to a different world and You and The Foxhole is my education.. Thank You for everything and just know this too shall pass!

  10. A person with bipolar disorder may have distinct manic or depressed states but may also have extended periods—sometimes years—without symptoms. A person can also experience both extremes simultaneously or in rapid sequence.

    Severe bipolar episodes of mania or depression may include psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations or delusions. Usually, these psychotic symptoms mirror a person’s extreme mood. People with bipolar disorder who have psychotic symptoms can be wrongly diagnosed as having schizophrenia.

    Mania. To be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a person must have experienced at least one episode of mania or hypomania. Hypomania is a milder form of mania that doesn’t include psychotic episodes. People with hypomania can often function well in social situations or at work. Some people with bipolar disorder will have episodes of mania or hypomania many times throughout their life; others may experience them only rarely.

    Although someone with bipolar may find an elevated mood of mania appealing—especially if it occurs after depression—the “high” does not stop at a comfortable or controllable level. Moods can rapidly become more irritable, behavior more unpredictable and judgment more impaired. During periods of mania, people frequently behave impulsively, make reckless decisions and take unusual risks.

    Most of the time, people in manic states are unaware of the negative consequences of their actions. With bipolar disorder, suicide is an ever-present danger because some people become suicidal even in manic states. Learning from prior episodes what kinds of behavior signals “red flags” of manic behavior can help manage the symptoms of the illness.

    Depression. The lows of bipolar depression are often so debilitating that people may be unable to get out of bed. Typically, people experiencing a depressive episode have difficulty falling and staying asleep, while others sleep far more than usual. When people are depressed, even minor decisions such as what to eat for dinner can be overwhelming. They may become obsessed with feelings of loss, personal failure, guilt or helplessness; this negative thinking can lead to thoughts of suicide.

  11. 7 signs of hypomania:

    1) Confidence/Assertiveness – Suddenly the life of the party? Demanding a raise from your boss? Telling people how great you are?

    2) Increased/Unrealistic activities – Starting the next great American novel? Painting your entire home in one night? Triple booking appointments for yourself?

    3) Energetic – Staying up all night to save the world? Feeling like you have more endurance than usual?

    4) Racing thoughts – Thinking about a thousand things at once? Jumping from one topic to another totally unrelated one during conversation?

    5) Distractible/Irritable – Having trouble paying attention? Got a short fuse?

    6) Hypersexual – Feeling extra frisky? Doing impulsive things like speeding or shopping until you drop?

    7) Talkative – Having trouble slowing down your speech?

  12. When I read this entry, I had a lot to write but then I seen all the comments and basically don’t want to repeat what others have wrote. What I will write is that Jamari you’re very important, you’re here for a reason, you have made it through some devastating unfortunate traumatic events in your life and you’re still standing. I have wrote plenty of times how much you mean to me, because I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for you and the foxhole making me feel normal, and seeing we share so many similar things. I honestly think you need to see a therapist, also something I would like to share is that even though you have us, I honestly think you need a gay friend or two. I know that can be kind of hard because of Starr Fox, but look at this gay friend not as him. Also I know from a previous entry you wrote that you don’t have any money to move. I honestly think this might be a perfect time to move, so I don’t know where Karoke lives but I think you wrote somwhere down south before, see if you can move with in with her for a few months until you find a job. I know you’re a person who likes their own space and don’t want to impose on others, but I think this might be good option considering New York is a lot to deal with. A lot of negative things happened to you being in New York and from the people I know who lived there told me how exhausting it can be, and it’s a great place to visit but not live. Now New Yorkers that’s no shade at all from me lol. Jamari I think once you get yourself together move outside of Atlanta, or Charlotte NC, or try DC. There pros and cons to those cities but I think it would be a good change for you. Jamari it’s so weird I have never met you, but I care so much for you. I just want you to be happy bro. Peace and Love Jamari. If you need to email me let me know please. I’m here for you bro.

"off topic", trolling, and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!