my main goal is to find the happiness i had a few week’s ago.
i was in such a good place.
i was in this state of bliss that i couldn’t explain.
when i woke up in the morning,
i had tons of energy.
it was like…
i was having great sex with someone i’m sexually attracted to.
i was horny about everything.
i was finally in a good place.
i feel like something is off.
something in the energy feels off af.
it’s like i was in a heavy lust,
but i’ve been cut off from feeling the pleasure.
my energy is low,
i’m crying with no explanation,
and i want to stay in bed.
all of this racial shit in the news,
and having to experiencing it at work,
has really been bringing me down.
after all these random suicides,
i was ready to be outta here too.
it was so bad that i envisioned my own suicide a week ago.
i had this vivid dream about doing it.
these celebrities killing themselves made me realize something.
– leaving new yawk and moving to another state
– getting rich and being able to afford everything
– becoming a professional blogger
– be at every party and ribbon cutting
– go on vacations to the most amazing places
– having sex with the finest wolves the world has to offer
if i’m not happy within myself,
none of that stuff matters.
it will be bandages used to cover up my internal struggle.
i see and know so many others are doing that.
they can’t stop fuckin the entire sex apps,
doing reckless drugs,
or going into debt because they’re unhappy.
when they face themselves in their alone time,
they have to distract and turn something into an addiction.
so when i ask myself:
what would make me happy?”
i already know the answer.
“I want the voices in my head to stop telling me i’m not worth it,
i’ll never be successful,
i won’t find love,
i’ll never have sex again,
people don’t love me,
they won’t support the foxhole,
and i need to kill myself because no one will care.”
when i can get that together,
and be fully happy to be me,
i’ll finally be where i need to be.
i’m just surviving what is trying to take me out.
lowkey: i am my own worst enemy.
how can i change that?