i am my biggest challenge.
if i could work on some minor issues,
life would be a lot better.
i would be able to handle my emotions better.
overthinking and immediately headed to the “negative” would cease.
see thats my issue.
MY THOUGHT PROCESS IS A FUCKIN’ MESS.
i will think my way out of a positive thought.
the negative feels comforting.
creating “nothing out of something” feels normal.
its crazy how i can see the good in everyone,
can help with any issue and give solid advice,
damn near everyone wants to be around me,
but when it comes to me…
these are the times i miss star fox.
i remember one time we went to the gay club on random.
well no one tried to talk to me that night.
even though i wasn’t attracted to anyone,
i felt invisible.
like something was wrong with me.
i associated attractiveness with being hit on.
it made me feel so insecure.
i immediately got quiet the rest of the night.
when we came back to my crib,
he knew something was bothering me.
i ended up telling him.
you will think of something and start to peel it down.
like a piece of fruit.
you will peel and peel down to the layers until its all a mess.
you peel so much that you realize nothing is even there.
sometimes you have to just not think so much.
he was right.
i can admit my faults,
even make them false truths on occasion,
but could never admit how great i am.
what a catch i am.
how powerful i could be.
forgetting all the good things that have happened.
even though work wolf is not what i want,
yet or not,
he has still been a great person to me.
i have my feelings about him,
but i shouldn’t sabotage our relationship.
that is what will happen.
so i need to try and watch my thoughts.
replace negatives with positives.
don’t beat myself up if i happen to think negative.
when something great happens,
act like i won the lottery.
continue writing everything in my gratitude journal.
even the smallest things.
also i need to pray and have faith more.
i’m slackin’ with those things.
lastly i need to put my first.
its okay to not answer work wolf when he texts me.
hell any calls or texts.
its okay to be absolutely fuckin’ selfish.
yes this will take some work.
i feel i’m ready.
lowkey: i want to find my happiness.
i want to find me.