I’m A Mess (Do You Have A Wet Wipe?)

tumblr_n1fjobWNIl1r779fko1_500this weekend was a pretty good one.
there was a message within the mess.
even though i was sad,
and i cried like crazy yesterday,
i was able to start putting something back together

MYSELF

i am my biggest challenge.
always been.
if i could work on some minor issues,
life would be a lot better.
i would be able to handle my emotions better.
overthinking and immediately headed to the “negative” would cease.
see thats my issue.

MY THOUGHT PROCESS IS A FUCKIN’ MESS.

i will think my way out of a positive thought.
the negative feels comforting.
creating “nothing out of something” feels normal.
its crazy how i can see the good in everyone,
can help with any issue and give solid advice,
damn near everyone wants to be around me,
but when it comes to me…

0791
these are the times i miss star fox.
i remember one time we went to the gay club on random.
well no one tried to talk to me that night.
even though i wasn’t attracted to anyone,
i felt invisible.
like something was wrong with me.
i associated attractiveness with being hit on.
it made me feel so insecure.
i immediately got quiet the rest of the night.
when we came back to my crib,
he knew something was bothering me.
i ended up telling him.
he said:

“jamari.
you will think of something and start to peel it down.
like a piece of fruit.
you will peel and peel down to the layers until its all a mess.
you peel so much that you realize nothing is even there.
sometimes you have to just not think so much.
relax.”

he was right.
i can admit my faults,
even make them false truths on occasion,
but could never admit how great i am.
what a catch i am.
how powerful i could be.
forgetting all the good things that have happened.
even though work wolf is not what i want,
yet or not,
he has still been a great person to me.
i have my feelings about him,
but i shouldn’t sabotage our relationship.
that is what will happen.

so i need to try and watch my thoughts.
replace negatives with positives.
don’t beat myself up if i happen to think negative.
when something great happens,
act like i won the lottery.
continue writing everything in my gratitude journal.
even the smallest things.
also i need to pray and have faith more.
i’m slackin’ with those things.
lastly i need to put my first.
its okay to not answer work wolf when he texts me.
hell any calls or texts.
its okay to be absolutely fuckin’ selfish.
giphyyes this will take some work.
i feel i’m ready.

lowkey: i want to find my happiness.
i want to find me.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

19 thoughts on “I’m A Mess (Do You Have A Wet Wipe?)

  1. trust your gut and ask god to reveal what is hidden and know that eveything is for your purpose, you will know in god time when he is to share the what why all you and we have gone through, peace love and a god blessed next week.

  2. Don’t know what to say, but I saw this video about a review on Inside Out, the pixar movie. Grace said something about the importance of sadness that it’s often gets neglected o look down upon, but in reality it good to be sad because you can receive care, sympathy and support from people and crying is good because it’s the sign of letting out and one step of feeling better instead of holding on and constantly be angry at the time. I hope this help somewhat.

    1. ^i love that.
      that was really a positive reinforcement from yesterday’s entry.

      i think the issue within the community,
      especially men,
      is we are taught not to show emotion.
      we always need to be strong.
      if we show emotion,
      it means we are weak.

      i am pretty damn strong.
      i have proved my strength by surviving this long,
      with no parents,
      and not getting arrested or getting hooked on drugs.

      wow.
      i just spoke positive about myself.
      there is hope for me yet lol

      1. You too!?!?! Lol I watch her all the time, but I miss when she did the review on The Legend of Korra, that how I discovered her and her channels

  3. J, Lyfe Jennings has a great song out right now. It’s called Pretty Is.
    Love the chorus of it:

    Pretty is what pretty does
    You’ll always be pretty because
    You fall and get up
    Pretty is what pretty does
    You’ll always be pretty because
    You know how to love

    Stay strong baby boi!

    1. ^thank you c.
      that was a really strong chorus from him.
      i listen to his song “fabulous” a lot too.
      i like songs that have reaffirming words.
      i play them on repeat a lot.
      that sia track “chandilier” maybe a emotional song,
      but the words:

      “Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes”

      …speaks something positive to me.
      like its saying not to give up and even if you are scared,
      keep on doing what you’re doing.

  4. We have a lot in common personality wise. You’re blog has actually helped me realize what’s wrong with me. Not only do I over think but I also overreact. I see my past comments and cringe like “Zen, dude, it wasn’t even that serious.” I’m learning to chill out but sometimes I slip back into old Zen. However, I can feel the old me dying, albeit rather slowly. I have to learn to let go. Even the suicidal thoughts are somewhat starting to fade. I used to look at the world and think everybody else was the problem, but it’s actually been me the entire time. Part of it is a mental thing but another part of it is a religious thing. And now I’m really starting to not give a fuck.

    1. ^reading this and you saying i helped you in some way,
      even to recognize and fix,
      made me bust out in tears.
      i should be so happy to know that i have helped so many,
      yet i don’t recognize it in my own life.

      i have to make a better effort.

      i’m glad you are at a better place zen.
      i hear that “not giving a fuck” place in life is amazing.
      continue on that path.

      1. Even then, part of that comment is the old Zen coming thru. A simple “starting not to care” would suffice but I felt the need to be unnecessarily harsh. I’m not there yet. I’m still 75% old Zen.

      2. @Jamari & Zen…it’s not easy, especially with people you care about. But with others who don’t mean as much to you, you will it’s very easy finding yourself not giving a fuck about what they think, say or do. It takes some time, but you will get to that place.
        It took me a while, but when I constantly saw myself being used or taken advantage of, I woke up real quick. That first NO was uplifting and therapeutic to an extent, and the rest came about very easily. People will initially try to make you think it’s you that is being selfish and/or rude, but you just let them know that your eyes are wide open now…and you can see past the bullshit. Those in your corner will remain there, but those who are not..they will flee like roaches when the lights come on.
        You’ll see. Just remember that it’s not you.

  5. Jamari, you need to have more self-worth and love for yourself. Nowadays people overthink things, which makes their insecurities worse. In my opinion, you have to love yourself before you allow someone to love you.

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