Have you ever felt like being in a group made you feel even lonelier?

sometimes,
when you’re trying so hard to belong,
the only real option is to step away.
i did just that today…

I exited my family group chat.

it came after something i wrote in there got ignored.
well not all the way ignored but someone else made it about them.
i expressed something about my mother and they got all of the conversation.
same playbook that i should have known better.
it’s been like that in there for quite some time tbh.

growing up,
i was constantly trying to be noticed.
i was always putting on a show,
hoping for applause that never came.
even as an adult,
i’m feeling like the same little fox waving his arms,
waiting to be seen.
funny thing is,
there’s a truth that rarely gets a spotlight:

As long as you don’t need anything and ignore people,
everyone’s is vying to be your #1 bestie.
The second you are the one in need,
the warmth cools and the shoulders get cold.
You’re left wondering if you ever even mattered?

i’m done feeling like i’m on the outside looking in.
i’m tired of feeling like i need to prove my worth.
i’m tired of family only when it’s convenient.
tired of the jehovah’s witnesses lectures,
tired of the scripted lines.
just…
tired.

when i’m truly over it,
when both my head and heart are in sync,
that’s the moment the lesson sticks.
walking away isn’t just leaving for me.

It’s reclaiming.

funny enough,
i’m the one who proposed the idea of the group for the family.
if they need me,
which i won’t delude myself into thinking they will,
they can hit me up and relay the messages to everyone else.

lowkey: i’m learning that i’m not a “group” person.
i don’t thrive in groups.
i’m better one on one.