for the last couple of days,
i decided to take a sabbatical.
it was a time when a fox has to hibernate to recharge his inner batteries.
i spent it catching up on sleep,
eating greasy food,
jackin’ off,
and watching one of my comfort shows,
sex and the city.
sex and the city was part of my gay awakening as a young fox.
i related with carrie because i was dealing with my own “mr. big” too.
the first wolf who slyly showed me his interest within his uncertain curiosity.
a wolf that if he hit me up today,
i’d drop what i was doing to go another round of uncertain curiosity again.
i’m up to the second season and i realized something…

Carrie Bradshaw is fuckin’ terrible and the wrong fictional character to idolize.

don’t get me wrong,
i love the fashion and how she wrote her columns.
she does have moments where i’m into her.
after therapy and tremendous growth,
i realized just how clingy and neurotic she was wit mr. big.
there were many times i said outloud:

“Carrie,
wtf are you doing/talkin’ about?”
Over this asshole?”

she became a complete pick-me because she thought he was this perfect wolf.
yesterday,
it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Mr. Big was an emotionally unavailable toxic asshole that didn’t want her.
She fought tooth and nail to be chose by him which made his fuck boi superpowers even stronger.

…and my mr. big from way back,
and the other bigs that followed,
were emotionally unavailable toxic assholes that didn’t want me either.
i made their fuck boi super powers even stronger being:

A) The desperate gay chasing around the confused “straight”
B) Someone who was overstaying his welcome in their lives

our beloved comfort shows can sometimes reveal unexpected truths about ourselves.
it’s like looking at carrie bradshaw and realizing there’s a whole new angle to her,
and to myself,
that i’ve never explored before.
i’ve watched that show 100 times but after healing,
it doesn’t hit the same like when i was a love sick pick-me for toxic jackals.

It’s wild how characters we once related to can suddenly feel like a mirror reflecting back a version of ourselves we didn’t know existed.

what once brought comfort now stirs up discomfort so i had to wonder…

Do our favorite comfort shows and characters reflect the unresolved within us?

lowkey: i think i’m going to meet the right wolf for me now.