i feel better after i throw up

When I was dealing with Work Wolf,
the anticipation of what was going to happen next took me under.
The anxiety over which vixen he’d be into next left me spiraling.
I made the mistake of falling deeply in love with him,
hoping he’d finally see me and choose me.
Every time I saw him at work with another vixen,
whether it was talking or he spoke about his interest,
my heart would race and I’d find myself in the bathroom.
I’d be physically sick from stress and I’d “release” by throwing up.
Bad enough,
I was dealing with so much on my plate from work and horrible bosses.
When that finally ended and we went our separate ways,
I weighed 120 lbs from 160.
I am 5’11.

Fast forward to my last job.
I was under so much stress by the consistent work load they’d pile on me.
Front desk,
office manager,
mail clerk,
greeting celebrities,
and being a personal assistant to everyone in the office.
Every day,
I would be picked apart and nit picked by all 3 of my bosses.
Nothing I ever did was right.
Despite being well-liked by many,
including the celebs that walked in the door,
my bosses’ jealousy and envy made my days a living nightmare.
The daily pressure had me running to the bathroom to throw up after every meal.
At my going away party,
the photos showed a gaunt,
almost unrecognizable face.
I wear a 32 in pants but had to tighten my belt to the last hole.

this morning,
it happened again…

I found myself yet again rushing to the bathroom,
anxiety bubbling over from overwhelming bills,
website issues I’m desperately trying to fix,

dealing with extremely rude people,
and this pervasive sense of unhappiness.

i’m in therapy,
working through past traumas,
but my present situation feels like it’s driving me to the brink.
i’ve learned to suffer silently in fear of looking weak or stupid.
my mind always wants me to see the worst,
and then i have to purge uncontrollably because of it.
it makes me feel better like i’m letting something go that is weighing me down.
it might be helping me feel a sense of escape.
my fight or flight reaction?
this morning before i threw up,
i felt this heaviness on my chest and i couldn’t breathe.
i don’t want to start this shit again so i have to do something.

lowkey: i don’t think i’ve ever mentioned this before.
it helped.

2 thoughts on “i feel better after i throw up

  1. Today a crackhead on the train said I farted and she was going to kick me in the face, a rude woman stepped on my foot and didn’t say sorry, a custodian swept on my foot and hit me with the dustpan and there were numerous delays and cancellations making my commute unnecessarily long.

    I also had the worst Memorial Day weekend of life. I’ve learned the reason I am not a fan of holidays is my family sabotages them. Just like jealous friends in the past who would pick fights when I had a presentation or final exam coming up, my family likes to ruin whatever I am excited about.

    Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being open. I’d suggest taking turmeric and ginger to settle your stomach and maybe some ashwagandha or st john’s wort. While you may feel better after throwing up, let’s say things didn’t get better and this continued to be as frequently as it was when you were at that job..it can deteriorate your teeth.

    As someone who didn’t have health insurance and had to wait to get wisdom teeth removed, and of course COVID, I’m super vigilant about health so TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

    You have too much on your plate. Also, stress does nothing. It’s worrying about what could happen. It may happen. It may be worse. Focus on each moment. Do you know how many people have made it on faith? You’ve made it this far with minimal help.

    Things will not be okay but you will find a balance of stability, slowly but surely. Stop doubting yourself. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

    Oh and don’t talk about your plans. Just like how talking about a guy you think is great makes him act up, sharing your plans jinxes them. Move in silence and tell us when you’re ready.

    1. Seli
      I love the ginger root and turmeric tea reference. I have some as I write. My Sister sabotages holiday’s, birthday’s with her stunning self centerdness. Every point you make is spot on. I love the reference to faith and silently moving.
      Thanks again.

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