going back to your past can bring closure or new beginnings.
all of us have doors we haven’t closed yet,
or ones that are half way open.
in some instances,
it’s best to pack up and move out the entire house completely.
it was a surprise to me when i saw someone from my past illuminate my phone.
i was completely in shock.
what was i in for?…

we were friends before star fox and i really started to kick it.
he was there right after my parent’s death.
i met him extremely vulnerable.
sheltered and new to life.
weak.
unsure.
sensitive.
insecure.
sad.
naive.
he helped mold me into a stronger person.
a fighter.
building thick skin.
learning to see myself.
constantly telling me i was worth it.
allowing me to see the beauty in me.
i’m forever grateful.
as the years went on,
we started to drift apart.
i felt a dependence on him due to him being there during my lowest.
because of him feeling like i was taking up too much of his energy,
he decided to go out and meet new friends.
he shut me out.
wouldn’t answer my calls.
when we did talk,
the conversations lasted a good two or three minutes.
it hurt,
but shortly after i met star fox and we built from the ground up.

we had a long talk yesterday.
3 hours worth of catching up.
at one point,
sitting on the floor while my phone charged.
at first,
i didn’t bother to bring up the issues we had.
why even go there?
it was in the past,
but i didn’t forget how i felt to be replaced.
as we spoke,
it all came out gradually.
no arguments.
funny enough,
he admitted he hated star fox.

life for him is interesting now.
he completely hates his job.
one that from the outside looking in,
would be a joy to have.
he also smokes cigarettes and weed now.
the one thing that completely threw me back was his sex life.
he went from “only white wolves” to “big dig hood rat niggas”,
as he calls it.
it says that black wolves lay better pipe.
his sex life is one of strangers and one night stands.
either online hook ups or meeting them on the streets.
no one knows of this other side of his life.
he shared it with me.
i felt like i was listening to a real life zane novel.
he also said that he has had sex with them without condoms on.
i went the fuck off on him for that revelation,
but he told me he hates how condoms feel.
he told me he is clean,
as he goes to the doctor regularly.
for once in my life,
i realized i can’t rescue everyone.
he has to live the way he feels most comfortable.
i may not agree with it,
but he knows what comes with this.
he is grown.

it funny how life can be.
when i was rebelling with no care in the world,
he was the good one and following the rules.
he had a direction.
secretly i was jealous because he was always creative and learning “something”.
i was trying various things and they all ended in failure.
i have since calmed my ass down and have a growing site,
he has gone completely ratchet.
hmm.
makes you think.

i don’t know where our friendship with go from here.
i feel like i kind of outgrew him somewhat.
when he left my life,
it forced me to find my path and become who i am now.
i’m not one to be held down for too long.
before we got off the phone,
he told me how glad it was to talk to me and he can hear a change in me.
my spirit is different and he can sense i’m not the person i once was.
it’s funny how i felt the same with him…