What does it feel like to have both love and lust in perfect harmony?

i ask because this video of august alsina and zu has been living rent-free in my head.

not because i want august but because that energy,
that intimacy,
that undeniable connection is what i crave.
imagine being so drawn to your partner that you’re counting down the minutes until you hit the crib?
the way august looks into the camera,
clueless about the climbing that is heading his way,
does something to me.
if my manz don’t like at me like this when he sees me:

we have absolutely nothing to talk about.
here’s the issue tho…

I’m having a hard time trusting other men.

when you really strip away the masks,
a lot of males are really stupid.
right now,
i’m not actively looking for anything because i’m high key turned off.

a) I’ve finally gotten comfortable with who I am
b) If i’m not the VIP spot then I’m not interested.
c) Getting my hopes is soooooo two seasons ago.

dating was always very abusive for me.
wolves went above and beyond to impress me,
fighting for my attention,
and then ending up with someone else they don’t even have chemistry with.
all the while still checking up and keeping tabs on me.
like,
wtf?

it was exhausting and disheartening.

i’m open to meeting someone but i’m not actively seeking it.
i’ll play along,
flirt,
and a play “peek a boo”,
but i’m not emotionally invested like i use to be.
until i meet someone who puts me in the VIP spot,
and that love/lust energy comes without insecurity,
i’m staying safe and focused on me.
this solo speed run toward my goals sounds like the perfect plan atm.

If he comes along,
great and if he doesn’t,
great.

either way,
my life will be fantastic.