Falling Into The Traps I’ve Set (For Myself)

tumblr_mqlgdc7cDC1su70r5o1_500i am the problem maker.

that’s not exactly the most positive thing to say.
every so often,
i’m able to see the error in my ways and call myself out.
growth,
maybe?
i don’t know.
i’ve noticed how i can be on the straight and narrow.
things could be going well and i’m on top of the mountain.
onward march!
the next,
something will happen,
and i’ll be knocked off and down on my knees in the valley.
a dark one where traps are set everywhere.
the traps the enemy has set to feel worse about myself.

Why is this?…

its hard to always be in a good place.
that seems od to me.
everyone recommends you always feel “happy”.
how is this possible?
it seems like if there is no disruption or drama in my life,
i can’t function correctly.

weird,
i know.

it was like that “sex in the city” episode where carrie woke up suddenly,
questioning if she needed drama in her life to feel alive.
my drama right now is my high expectations of life and other animals.
i’ve been very needy as of late.
work wolf has been the animal i’ve been expecting a lot from.
he has been giving me attention,
but i’ve noticed i create a lot of insecurities about him in my head.
i think this is why i’m always questioning where i stand.
if he doesn’t text/call me when he usually does,
i automatically assume he is starting to be done with me.
when in reality,
he isn’t and has expressed my worth in his life.
i shouldn’t be having a problem if we separate for a while tho.
oh…

Did i tell you i love to solve problems?

yeah.
my brain is literally a work shop of putting pieces together.
this is why i love answering foxmails.
it helps me get out of my own head about my own shit.
the problem is i’ve been creating my own fuckin’ problems.

giphy

What are the problems?

well i feeling a little lost.
i feel stuck in a dead end job,
a dead end emotional relationship,
a dead end family member in my crib,
and a dead end when it comes to making my dreams a reality.
things are in a weird limbo right now.
it doesn’t show outwardly tho.
my clothes are always on point.
i’m always “together” in everyone’s eyes.
my own eyes tell a different story.
i’ve had about 3 animals tell me this week:

“you look so sad.”
“you aren’t as bubbly as before.”
“you use to be so full happiness and always smiling…”

i told one of my readers i communicate with that i’m at my lowest.
emotionally speaking,
that is.
my energy level is completely in the red zone.
i’ve been feeling so tired.
i could sleep for hours so i can recharge.
my bills are paid,
starting to save money again,
outer appearance is on point,
could not ask for better animals in my life,
a place where the best animals are reading and commenting,
but…

Why do I feel like I’m losing?

giphy-1

i guess i need to “see” it to really believe it?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

30 thoughts on “Falling Into The Traps I’ve Set (For Myself)

  1. Damn Jamari, feeling everything you’re talking about. There’s times where I lose motivation, become tired, and feel easily irritated. Before I thought of this as a problem needing to be fixed, I felt numb to life. I lost contact with people and was no longer interested in hobbies. Since a young age I learned to never let anybody see me down, so no one knew what was happening.

    I don’t know if I’m right in assuming you bottle this up and hide it. If I am right though, doing that just makes all of this build up. When you get in your head like this you’re probably seeing only the negative aspects of everything, so it’s very helpful to get another point of view, vent to somebody you can trust.

    1. ^you are right in one aspect.
      i bottle up somethings,
      but im usually vocal when im really sad.
      the problem is everyone seems to expect me to be happy all the time.
      people literally catch an attitude when im not in the mood.
      it’s the weirdest thing Dee…

  2. I was just reading someone tweets that I think it’s somewhat relates to you and he speaks about how the African American community prioritize academic performance over well-being and mental health. There’s a high level of African Americans who are suffering depression and committing suicide because of societal pressure. But my favorite tweet was “How them grades looking?” text are more sincere than the “How are you doing?” text. Credit: @KaleNelson_

    This made me think about you because I notice you prioritize others, but not you, you make sure others are okay, but not you, you worry about others, but not you. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sound like no one is asking you “How are you feeling, Jamari?” but instead making assumptions. I would feel offended if someone said “You look so sad” and not say “Why you so sad lately?”

    In my opinion, I would suggest maybe seeing someone like a therapist to speak with because your well-being and mental health is more important.

    1. ^

      “This made me think about you because I notice you prioritize others, but not you, you make sure others are okay, but not you, you worry about others, but not you. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sound like no one is asking you “How are you feeling, Jamari?” but instead making assumptions. I would feel offended if someone said “You look so sad” and not say “Why you so sad lately?””

      on the money!!!
      i seem to extended myself more,
      and take on others,
      than i do myself.
      maybe this is why im feeling so drained.

      1. That why I always tell you need to have a spa day o something. Treat yourself and stop giving all of your attentions to others, papi. I mean it’s nice that you care for others, but you need to learn to balance it out.

  3. How do you get your inner to match your outer? It’s hard I know, but where there is a will there is a way. We’ve all been Humpty Dumpty at some point in time and knowing how to pick up our pieces and put ourselves back together is the struggle we face.

    As of late it seems like you have been down more than the law should allow. You are smart, strong, smart, strong, strong and smart. You aren’t superman though, even the strongest need help, and in this case you need some help. Talk to a professional…they are there to help. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of you taking care of you. We work out to make our bodies beautiful, but we often forget our minds and brains.

    If it’s too much on your plate, take some off..put a little back in the microwave or toss it back in the fridge. You don’t need to eat it all at once. For this is a new year, 2016 is your year to do something you’ve never done, try something you’ve never tried. Talk about what is eating you up to those who are paid professionals to help in your situation. You help people all the time with advice, healing and empowerment! Now it’s your turn to receive some words of encouragement, healing, empowerment and advice so we can get that inner of yours to match that outer. You are smart, strong, smart, strong, strong and smart.

    1. ^you are right s.
      i recently changed my insurance with my job.
      im going to use it to see if i can make an appointment to see someone.
      i cannot do this on my own and i definitely need help getting there.

  4. I feel you with this one, and I feel like everyone reading this blog can relate. These are just times where it can all seem like too much. I agree with Lindo I think you should try to see if you can talk to a therapist. I know you tried to book one before and they didn’t have any opening but you should try again. He or she may be able to help you see the pattern of your ways and help you come up with solutions. Depression doesn’t just happen when you’re sad or down but it can even happen when you’re happy or putting up a front to seem happy and under control.

    I’m going through a lot of things you posted in this post and I’ve been praying and trying my hardest not to let it get to me. Keep your head up I know this might sound corny but tomorrow is another day, you never know know when God is gonna bless you and turn things around.

    P.S. If you’re up to it look up this song on Apple Music by Tamia called “smile” I think it’s so relatable to this post.

    1. 👍
      I strongly agree with trying for a therapist again, make sure you find one that you’re comfortable with. As Mikey said, they can help point out so much that you wouldn’t think of

    2. ^i can admit i am depressed.
      when im crying all the time,
      i know there is a problem happening within me.
      they are taking a huge chunk out of my paycheck for ins,
      i could as well start using it to benefit me.

  5. Don’t look at like a weird limbo, your simply examining yourself. It’s a step in the right direction to find out what makes you happy 🙂

    1. ^thanks john!
      im glad im able to write and be honest about my feelings.
      it helps.
      bottling up about work wolf didn’t help tho.
      it actually made things worse not being able to vent about the things he did that bothered me.

      1. Thanks for the reply! When I bottle things up I tend to get my meriod (man-period) ; And honestly I was curious about what was going on with you and him. You gotta keep us in the loop lol

  6. When you are driving towards a dead end you only have 2 choices. Keep driving until you reach the dead end or make turn/uturn. By turning your attention back yo “you” you avoid dead end anything. Focus on what you like, your dreams…or do something different..make a turn.

    You are feeling the way you are feeling because you aren’t doing anything to change the direction and avoiding hitting brick walls.

    If it is time for mi to go ..give her a deadline. Watch her pick up the pace and find a job or find somewhere to stay.

    If you don’t like the job you are in…look for opportunities to do something you like.

    When you are feeling like you haven’t gotten a text or a call when you think you should..call or text him jyst to see how the day is going but also you need to socialize and meet people. You are putting all of your energy into 2 people when the world is so much bigger and has alot more to offer than Work Husband ..I mean work wolf, mi and your job.

    In other words..find your purpose. What makes you happy when you do it and put your energy there. Use this site even to help others. Instead of just random posts about your day…post more foxmail. You could create a brand by helping others in this lifestyle.

    Steve Harvey morphed into this relationship expert because of tge strawberry letter segment of his show. This has turned into his own tv show, hosts on others shows and more but yet he has had 4 failed marriages but he turned a small segment into a brand for him

    Time to make some turns Jamari

    1. ^tony this really spoke to me.
      i felt something while reading it.

      you are right.
      i haven’t been putting my focus on what makes me happy.
      ive been looking at others who can be a tad emotionally selfish.
      then im called “emotional” because im giving more than im getting.
      i said I wanted to be more selfish this year.
      i haven’t really started it.
      I’ve been too busy looking for acceptance.

      now im feeling like ive come to a dead end in many areas of my life.

      im going to stop for a moment and start to reverse.

    2. The idea of using the foxxmails as a way to brand himself or re-brand is a great idea! I love reading the foxmails. I feel like I’ve learned quite a bit about the lifestyle through the comments, and even through my own comments, because I’ve never had to think about some of these situations and through other’s perspectives I tailor how I would handle a situation similar. THey’re fun and entertaining, and it resonates through the energy of Jamari’s words that he enjoys them too! Jamari! This is a good idea! Foxxmails could be your ticket! It’s kind of like an : “Ask Wendy” segment on a talk show. they’re really entertaining!

      1. Well Jamari now has some competition when it comes to foxmails. JustinJ1232 has his own blog/website where he does the same thing. And I have to admit, he gives way better advice than Jamari. Nah! I’m just kidding.

        1. ^he has always been nasty to me lol
          last tweet he left me was

          “Your website still ain’t shit”

          It’s under my likes on Twitter.
          i wish him well tho.
          his site looks good!

      2. I wouldn’t have even known about his blog had I not seen the ladies of lipstickalley going in on him for whining about no one supporting it. I skimmed it once.

        He’s full of shit. Your website is addicting.

      3. Oh wow, never even heard of that guy! I won’t support anyone with an attitude like that though, so we’ll see how far he gets with that attitude. I don’t believe in trashing others to get where you need to get in life for no reason. It’s a loser attitude.
        As far as I see it, he’s not your competition Jamari, Foxmail is yours! I’m honestly thinking you should like patent it or something lol.

  7. When you focus on the flaws they become magnified. The bumps, the dings, the cracks are all you see. You’re missing out on how beautiful the picture is. Flawless is the journey of a mannequin, because they only want to be looked at superfically not to be cuddled, not to be approached, not to be understood. When you walk through life unsatisfied with your flawed existance thats like saying God isn’t doing a good enough job for you. The path he gave you has too much debris on it. Too many hills too many valleys. You see bumps, you see dings, you see cracks when actually the bumps and dings add character and the cracks allow enough space for seeds to grow through and prosper. When you squint a little you don’t see so many flaws. Maybe God intends for us to squint more and focus less, look more at the silhouette rather than the surface. The picture really is more beautiful if you take a step back and really look at it as a whole, flaws and all.

  8. I would definitely recommend talking to a professional. That’s one of the best things I’ve done. And you’re right. You pay for insurance so you might as well use it. Hang in there!

  9. I echo what everyone else is saying. I’m usually the one telling you that it’s a choice etc. but as of now, I’m being challenged by my emotions as well so I can relate. I have been in my feelings a bit more, and it does have a lot to do with this lifestyle coupled with the struggles of being black. I love being black and have accepted my sexuality, but it doesn’t diminish the struggles that we face, especially when you come to terms with the fact that someone may not like you if you’re gay, or if it’s not that, if you’re black (the whole no blacks, no fems, no fats rhetoric one sees on those gay dating apps, again I don’t use those but it makes me think of how the world REALLY views us) If you can get past if your interest is gay/bi or not, then you have to worry if they like black men too. It just makes me wonder if there would ever be a day or a person where I don’t have to think about all that stuff. Usually, I’m not bothered by it, but it’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes about the lifestyle. It’s tough when you have learned to accept yourself, but you realize that others won’t. Will I forever be alone? Will I never get the chance for the blissful ignorance of love/lust that the straights do? Do I even want that? Will I ever matter to someone OTHER than myself? Questions I have been asking myself, and I don’t have the answers, which makes me want to just have a drink because it’s just too much sometimes. I’m going to start writing again.

    I say all that to say, it’s not surprise that you’re going through it Jamari. Our lives are so complicated, and there is no sense of closure for us as gay men. It’s not even enough to come to terms with these things for yourself. It’s one thing to accept yourself, but when the world still feels like its against you, it kind of neutralizes all of the hard work in your own self-discovery and acceptance. There just needs to be more from external sources. Its just not enough and it sucks! Being around WW must be painful for these very reasons… just know, you’re not alone out here brother!

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!