FOXMAIL
Hey Jamari,
I’ve been a fan of your website for a couple years and while I never comment (something I’ll fix in 2014), I have to say thank you to you at the top of the year.
Thank you for being open and honest about your struggles, hopes and dreams at all times. It takes an incredibly honest people to be an open book with complete strangers.
Through your stories as well as the stories of the people who follow your site, I’ve truly realized how complex the LGBT experience is. As a closeted male, I’ve spent 23 years of my life essentially turning an entire side of me “off”. I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been in a relationship, never had a meaningful kiss and I’m not happy because of these issues.
If you asked me a year ago, I planned on living in the closet for an eternity – I didn’t aspire for a relationship for fear of having to admit my truth. I used to tell myself “You can’t miss what you don’t have”. I focused on my education (applying to Master’s programs at the moment), my family, my friends, ect. to fill the void that an intimate relationship would bring.
If you asked me NOW? I’m over it. I can’t change who I am, and while I’m not gonna make an announcement on my social networks or anything…I’m done lying to myself. It’s easy to lie to yourself, but believing it is another story. How can I trust others if I can’t trust myself with MY truth.
Again, the LGBT experience is so complex – in fear of losing the support of my friends or family, I’ve kept who I am repressed and I’m tired. I’m finally tired. I’m glad that I’m tired.
It won’t be overnight, but I plan on slowly being open and honest about who I am to the people that I love and the people that matter. I’ve watched a lot of my friends find their happiness being WHO THEY ARE and I’m not going to deny myself the same opportunity for an eternity. If my sexuality will make people forget that I’m a great son, brother, cousin, friend, acquaintance, ect…it’ll hurt but I’ll be okay in the long run. My family will probably come AFTER my friends. That’s a test within itself.
I can’t get back the time that I’ve wasted lying to myself but I can look forward to the time that I have to live in my truth.
Thank you and your readers for continually inspiring lurkers like myself who are seeking an outlet of expressing a side of themselves that they repress. Your honesty is going to inspire someone. No lie, this place has been a refuge for me in times where I wanted to cry for not being honest with myself. In 2014, better days will come. Stay blessed!
Signed,
I Just Wanna Be Happy
MY ANSWER…
these are the emails that keep me going.
thank you so much for YOUR honesty, IJWBS.
as long as YOU are living your life to your standards,
your happiness,
and you comfort,
then fuck what what anyone has to say.
you’ll be happy once that happens.
happiness comes from finding yourself.
everything else will follow.
good luck on your masters!
that is a big deal all in it’s own!!!!
i have to say…
i’m glad i attract such quality to my site.
everyone who sends me an email or comments are not ragga.
the foxhole who make their presence known to me,
they’re always exude every inch of class.
we also respect each other within the foxhole.
truthfully i don’t fit in with the ragga crowd.
not saying that’s bad,
but ive NEVER been accepted there.
now we can get ratchet on here,
but all of my audience tend to be educated,
intellectual,
and objective gay and bi men who aspire for more in life.
more money,
a platinum lifestyle,
and a different kind of man.
closet or no closet.
even the few vixens who have joined us as well.
hell everyone likes to READ too.
thank god.
i guess you can say:
all “soon to be” ballers in their own right.
just working the kinks out,
including myself.
i love that i can feel inspired just by reading things like the ^above.
that’s the one thing that can’t be copied.
Some misinformed people are gonna hate you for your freedom.
They bought into the lie that homosexuality was wrong and that to be able to live as more abundant life, one must stick their penis inside of vaginas to be a worthwhile person, anything outside of this is an abomination.
They were lied to, it’s not entirely their fault.
Anyway, live your best life, further your education, make some money, and practice saying Fuck You in the mirror until you believe it just in case the foolish, the fearful, or the hateful ever feel the need to test you.
First comment! I’m IJWBH
First off, thank you all for your kind words and your feedback. I think my main goal is truly to just be okay and accept what I am. I’m not having a ‘coming out’ moment but I’m also not going to deny myself the chance to be happy. Thank you all or your views and perspectives!
I’m not looking forward to the fuck shit that will follow but I’ll deal accordingly. Stay blessed in 2014 everyone! I’m looking forward to joining the conversations.
Welcomeeee oooohh my brotha!!! (in my Nigerian accent) lol
This was touching, I think the one of the keys to being happy is not giving a tuck what anyone thinks of you. There are more but once you’re able to do that the rest is easy.
Good for him but I can’t do it.I’ll never be out to my family.I have gay family members and am there when they’re not around.The rest of the family sees them as the gay ones.I’m not gonna be looked at as just that other gay family member.They’ll never know for as long as I live.
This was nice to read. You have to live life to your own rules man, just abide by the law tho lol. When you reach legal age, everything is about you and only you. You are preparing for your Master’s degree, which means you are in a league that most people won’t reach. Do not care about what other individuals thoughts are and just be you. As far as lying to yourself, if you understand that the people who you interact with do not have to know your business, you will be fine. That is what people fail to understand. You are not living a lie as long as you are true to yourself. Living in your truth means being true to yourself. For example, I do not tell others my sexuality, but I am true to myself, and that is all that matters. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know path I want to travel in life.
Hi I just wanted to say I am happy that you have made this decision to be honest about who you are in 2014. Know that there is nothing wrong with slowly stepping out of the closet one person at a time.My best friend came out to me and waited about five months to tell another friend.So there is no rush.He didn’t tell his sister until almost a year later.
Good Luck Im proud of you
To I Just Wanna Be Happy:
Brother, as Jamari, Sam Spade and Tajan have said, know that you are not alone. As you have observed, we are here for each other; it’s really like a support group. And, unlike many blogs, folk on here tend to be respectful of each other, even when disagreeing, and we are all over the map, reflecting the diversity in our community. Your letter to Jamari reminds me why I’ve been a family member on here for so long. I think it was about three years ago that a friend introduced me to the site, and I believe in one of my very first exchanges I was hooked when a young man who still comments on here mentioned that he had a crush on a guy at his college. I suggested he let the guy know. Although we’re chatting in cyberspace, I could feel and hear the fear in his response as he dreamed there was no way he could do that…that he would be beat down by people on his campus if word got out. Three years later, his growth on here has been phenomenal. We each have our own journeys which are uniquely ours in our own time. I sincerely wish this new year may be the year for you to come into your own and I send positive vibes your. I’ll close with this: I was in a bad accident the other day which could have killed me or left me paralyzed. I was most blessed to have come through it. What a pity it is for so many of our brothers to go through life living in fear while our straight brothers and families live their lives fully. I can tell you from experience, as you become more comfortable with yourself, you will feel as though tons have been lifted from your shoulders and you will even breathe better. The sky will be your limit.
Happy New Year!
I would be the young man you are speaking of lol. Yea, my first year of college was hard as hell at times. Now I walk around campus like I own it and talk to people like it’s nothing. It is strange that people never notice how much they have evolved until someone tells them.
So, I see you remembered:). I’m really proud and happy for you, Man. And, I like the way you offer support to other young brothers who come onto the site. Stay strong.
^omg OH!
i hope you are okay?!
we can’t lose you in 2014.
well im glad you survived with no major permanent damage.
please be careful out there!!
Thanks, Jamari, for the well wishes. Miraculously, nothing broken, no torn ligaments…just some swelling that’s already going down. Not ready to check out anytime soon:).
Wow, that letter touch me so deep, believe me Bro, we have all been there at one time or another. Its not going to be an easy journey but nothing in life worth having is. Though its going to be hard and you are going to have to weed a few bad apples out, try to find you a cool group of supportive understanding gay dudes to confide in and be with for support and of course you have the foxhole. You are not by yourself, please know that we are all struggling with something and everyday is a battle in the war call life. Sometimes we will win some and sometimes not. Please comment and become engaged in all of our many discussions.
I so agree with you on this.
This is literally the story of my life. To “I Just Wanna Be Happy,” please know that you are not alone in your struggle, because I and many others are going through exactly what you are going through.