i suffer from depression.
diagnosed by a therapist when my parents were alive.
i said it.
i been on medication to the point i was a zombie.
i haven’t been on medication in years,
until my recent doctor prescribed me zoloft.
i’m scared to take it.
i always said i wanted to go through life without anesthesia.
using drugs to cope as i go through my journey.
well i got what i asked for.
i’ll say this…
i can go down a very dark path.
hell i can have bad weeks at a time.
its not easy when you’re alone in a cold forest.
i’m not saying i’m always depressed,
but i can get overwhelmed.
my biggest issue is this:
the foxhole does help me process those thoughts.
it helps a lot.
i get to express myself 100.
i say things that i know will open me for judgment.
the tough love and draggings help my fur get a little tougher.
i guess i just always wanted to be happy.
i know what would make me happy.
its that point when i can exhale.
this may sound weird,
but i often wonder what it feels like to be happy all the time?
to go a day without over-thinking?
or be those animals who are always smiling with no fucks to give?
its easier to jump into the fire.
its so much more comfortable to be depressed.
as much as i have so much positives,
and people definitely look up/respect me,
i often dwell on everything that goes/went wrong.
i blame myself for everything.
i do affirmations,
keep up my gratitude journal,
and now starting meditation…
but it ain’t easy.
its not easy to get your mind together when its use to being sad.
please try to understand my struggle.
i’m trying my hardest to battle my demons.
god is always working on me.
writing this helped me to cry.