Depression is a Hard To Handle Bitch

i suffer from depression.
diagnosed by a therapist when my parents were alive.
i said it.
i been on medication to the point i was a zombie.
i haven’t been on medication in years,
until my recent doctor prescribed me zoloft.
i’m scared to take it.
i always said i wanted to go through life without anesthesia.
using drugs to cope as i go through my journey.
well i got what i asked for.
i’ll say this…

some days,
i can go down a very dark path.
hell i can have bad weeks at a time.
its not easy when you’re alone in a cold forest.
i’m not saying i’m always depressed,
but i can get overwhelmed.
my biggest issue is this:

tumblr_nkkn4o8NAg1tkz5o6o1_500the foxhole does help me process those thoughts.
it helps a lot.
i get to express myself 100.
i say things that i know will open me for judgment.
the tough love and draggings help my fur get a little tougher.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-549-1370689544-9i guess i just always wanted to be happy.
i know what would make me happy.
its that point when i can exhale.
this may sound weird,
but i often wonder what it feels like to be happy all the time?
to go a day without over-thinking?
or be those animals who are always smiling with no fucks to give?

its easier to jump into the fire.
its so much more comfortable to be depressed.
as much as i have so much positives,
and people definitely look up/respect me,
i often dwell on everything that goes/went wrong.
i blame myself for everything.
i do affirmations,
keep up my gratitude journal,
and now starting meditation
but it ain’t easy.
its not easy to get your mind together when its use to being sad.

please try to understand my struggle.
i’m trying my hardest to battle my demons.
god is always working on me.

…and there.
writing this helped me to cry.
thank you.

lowkey: suffering from depression doesn’t mean i’m not strong.
i don’t want anyone thinking that way.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

26 thoughts on “Depression is a Hard To Handle Bitch”

      1. Great way to live. Ad a fellow blogger I understand too that when you put your life out there be ready for the giid, the bad and the ugly. It is great therapy though.

  1. If you had a friend with an physical illness like cancer or lupus.What would you say if they said I’m not going to take medicine because I don’t want to numb the pain ( anesthesia)? If you start feeling like a zombie than the dosage is wrong and your doctor will adjust it.Take a pill every other day or a half a pill.

    1. ^i’ll try the every other day method yc.
      i just don’t to lose my emotions.
      paxil had me happy like all the time lol
      when i getting off that,
      it felt like i was getting electric shocks sent to my brain.

      1. Well discuss it with doctor before adjusting.I know I had some medicine that was making me drowsy so my doctor told me take it every other day.Discuss it w/ doctor

  2. Crying is good.
    Have you taken zoloft before?

    Did you find the prescription medicine helpful to you at all?
    I suffer from over-thought syndrome as well, but as of recent I’ve learned to tame them a little. Its difficult, but having something like school that consumes your time really does help. You need your version of that.
    Something that is a challenge, that forces you to apply your thoughts and to be engaged. Your blog is perfect for that.

  3. This post has me thinking I need to go talk to a doctor, like you I’m not always depressed but it’s been popping up more than usual. I will blame my love life, looks, and current situation to just thinking I’m a loser. These thoughts usually just fade away but they’ll just pop back up the next day. I’m trying to keep my head up and think positive like I’ve been doing.

    Keep your head (and fur) up J it’s going to get better for us, it just has to.

  4. All:

    Life is very scary just as it is. I recently got on antianxiety meds and its working (i think). you must find good friends who are in your corner regardless. those types are usually (for me) the ones I’ve known for over 10 years. Find peace in spirituality and surround urselves with positive energy…oh and take your meds!! lol God bless!

  5. This was everything for me. It helps knowing I’m not alone in this battle. I haven’t gotten to the meds stage yet….but I wonder if it will come to that. Beginning to start meditation.. maybe even burning some sage or sumtin’ ‘cuz these bouts of “being in a funk” has been detrimental to my overall of just being me…doesn’t help when your bday is coming up (#TeamScorpio)…sighs.

  6. God will not allow u to drown….u may sink, but He will pull u out and u will rest in Him. read His promises and trust Him to deliver-not on ur terms but it will be what u need. be humble.

  7. This is exactly how I feel and been feeling since forever. Some days good, some bad. Coping with depression is a daily process. The key is to keep pushing, and always remember that a new day is an opportunity for better.

  8. I’m currently taking Zoloft. I was on it before, but I didn’t like the zombie feeling so I only took it when I felt like I “really” needed it. Since then, I’ve moved & changed doctors. My new doctor lowered the dose and recommened I exercise every day. Physical activity helps. At least try what your doctor prescribed and let him/her know if it needs to be changed.

  9. Jamari, depression is serious and is due–probably–to a chemical imbalance in the brain. I suggest that you consult with your doctor prior to adjusting your medication.

  10. There’s more people out there dealing with problems like this than you would think. Meeting and talking to people going through the same thing was always helpful to me.

    Depression works differently for everyone. Don’t forget you always make the final decisions. Try more natural ways first; vitamins, sunlight, exercising, eating healthy, talking, etc. If you have a doctor throwing meds at you and trying to keep you on them forever, try a different one. The goal is to be on the lowest dose you need and to get off of them eventually since they do come with side effects. If you’ve taken meds for like a year, NEVER just stop taking them completely, taper off (like taking half for a week, then a quarter).

    Just passing on some things I learned that were helpful for me. It can happen to the most logical and intelligent people. When you get depressed it’s like a cloud blocking options, reasoning, and hope. There’s always a way foxhole. Talk to at least one person to get reassurance and different point of views.

  11. Depression runs in my family and I have dealt with it too. I was on Zoloft for about a year and a half. My mood was better and anxiety went away. I say go for it dude you been through so much I think you need to be on some meds along with working out. Working out builds my confidence and is such a great stress reliever.

  12. Jamari I hope you didn’t take my comment yesterday as a dragging. I have compassion for you and anyone dealing with depression. I’ve never talked about this before but I grew up living with my single mother who suffered from undiagnosed depression. Her mood swings were horrible, from sadness to anger to sillyness I never knew what mood to expect on a daily basis. She could be cruel when it came to me. My feelings were often hurt and my self esteem shattered. She smoked weed to try and alter her mood but it just made her lazy, our house was always a mess. Some days she would stay in bed all day and night. She probably wanted to kill herself but stayed alive because she was a single mother. She wasn’t affectionate and as a child I felt unwanted. I now know it was depression and she did the best she could. Maybe if she was on medication she could have done better. As a young adult I woud try to buy her into happiness, jewelry clothes, money, money and more money trying to make her happy trying to make her smile trying to make her proud but she always seemed annyoned with me. It wasn’t until she got lung cancer that we developed some sort of bond and I realized she did care. I realized she was and had always been in depression. Thats when I stopped blaming her for the way I felt about myself which wasn’t good. She is gone now and it has been a long road to undo some of the damage inflicted and not to follow the same path she was on. We as black people don’t often consider depression as something we need to acknowledge or seek treatment for but the effects of it reach further than just ourselves it affects everyone around us, our familes our friends our income our habitats. I think if you have depression it is your responsiblity to do what ever you can do. Seek treatment, gain knowledge, moniter your behavior. Don’t let it bleed out and ruin your life and the lives of those close to you.

  13. Don’t wanna write an essay, because I can definitely relate to you right now Jamari.

    Currently going through a depressive season and it HURTS. Feel like I’m losing in my work/school life and add this whole gay thing on top of it all. It sucks. Life does seem pointless at times…but on the real….if it helps you any….coming to your blog helps me escape from reality. This is a great forum J. I’m sure many of us are on here because we can relate to YOU. Keep blogging man, it helps out in more ways than you know.

    Don’t really have any advice to give, except follow the advice of your physician. Those pills WORK and can help you get over the hump.


  14. Hang in there J. Dont think of Zoloft as a a happy pill. Its more like a brain chemistry balancer. Imagine if you had a bad acne breakout and your dermatologist prescribed a pill to fight the microscopic causes. You would still need to wash your face. Zoloft will, over time not instantly, help you hit reset on your brain chemistry. It will help sadness stop being your default position. Then, you can do the mental and emotional work to establish a new normal. Keep with the meditation practice. If you aren’t finding success, try another form. Mindfulness works. Im not about to get all evangelical Buddhist on you. But, learning to focus your attention can have profound effects on your peace of mind. We are on your side!

  15. Sending love your way. I may not know you personally or comment a lot but I’ve always felt a connection. Your willingness to share the good, bad, and ugly helped inspired me to blog. I believe you will be just fine.


  16. Ain’t nothing like thinking you’re over it then ending up right back in that dark place you’d thought you’d escaped. I’m just like” what happened.” I thought I was strong. Nope.Those dark thoughts never left me.

    I still look at suicide as a relief but I’ll never do it because I don’t wanna traumatize anyone. Doesn’t mean I can’t hope an accident happens and that does me in so it won’t look like I caused intentional pain upon myself. Yep, I’m back to those thoughts.

    Depression/anxiety is a bitch. Got my ass nervous about the most smallest of things. I’d go more into detail but you’d laugh like “really nigga.”

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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