i’m riddled with anxiety, but at least my skin is still clear

it started getting bad like a few weeks ago.
i’ve been playing it off pretty well.
i’m still dressing fly,
and my skin has never looked better,
but i’ve been dealing with a lot deep down inside.
it’s easy to wear a mask when you’re feeling like shit underneath.
bad enough,
i’ve been “sick” af too…

i saw “joker” on friday night,
but at like 430am on saturday morning,
i woke up out my sleep because i was throwing up everywhere.
since then,
i’ve been feeling out of control with anxiety.
it’s hard to hear folks say to me:

“You’re always ill.”

someone said that to me today.
they don’t know my background so i can’t be too mad.
as per my last doctor’s visit,
i’m a perfectly healthy person.
i take my vitamins,
stay away from too much fried food,
and i usually get close to 7 hours of sleep a night.

When i’m riddled with anxiety,
it will literally change all of that and have me laid out.

my anxiety comes in the form of a stomach ache,
rapid heartbeat,
nervousness,
and nausea.
once i get worried or nervous,
my heart starts beating fast and i feel a dull pain within the pit of my stomach.
two things happen:

a) I have to immediately throw up
b) I have to immediately go shit

fun,
huh?
yeah,
my social life enjoys every second of it.

as of late,
due to all that’s happening…

my bosses have really been really stressing me out
tripped and fell for another “question mark” wolf yet again
feeling lost in what i’m trying to do with my life
i really miss the folks who have long passed on from my life

things and some people have been so horrible too.
it’s made me extremely depressed these last few weeks.
i’m up writing this because i didn’t sleep and started imagining myself dying.

“How long would it take people to even notice I was dead?
Would they text me?
Call?
Send a search party?
Or,
would I go UN-noticed like I always do?”

once i started going there,
i had to snap out of it and font something for a release.
thankfully,
i’ve been talking to various foxholers about whats been happening.
many of you have blessed me with being a shoulder.
for that,
i’m extremely grateful to you.

as one foxholer told me today,
i remind them so much of x-men’s “jean grey“.
in the cartoon,
the running joke in the cartoon was that she was always falling down.

the running joke to others is i’m always depressed or suicidal.
life is not easy when you’re doing this all alone.
it can feel like the weight of 1,000 pounds is on my shoulders.
as free as i am,
that does come with a price.
yes,
i fall tf down,
but i’m never down for too long.
pain often leads to purpose for me.
so i’m broken at the moment,
but i’ll rise back up again.

lowkey: i felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders writing that. 

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “i’m riddled with anxiety, but at least my skin is still clear

  1. Jamari I love you for this post, 2019 was a trying year for so many people that I know (including myself) I lost two best friends over bullshit and my ex… quit a job I thought I’d be at for years.. I’m just so lost right now but something inside of my keeps telling me this is all meant to happen because something great is about to happen

    As far as anxiety and gastric issues… I’m dealing with the same I feel like my body changed overnight I’m always throwing up or getting extreme stomach pain from anxiety or mild panic attacks due to work or drama related stress

    I HATED this year lol.. I’m optimistic for 2020

    1. ^this year was tough.
      it had its moment of glory,
      but the energy was completely off.
      each time i thought i won,
      i had to go through a few losses,
      some of which was my mental health and peace.

      four,
      it maybe a test.
      bad times don’t last forever.
      there is a lesson for us that we need to learn.
      that may reveal the key to the next journey that will change our lives.

      prayers up to you and i hope your next year,
      this new decade,
      will be all that you want.

  2. Stay strong, jamari push through. I have been following your blog for some years now and love your content. When I first read this entry I was shocked that, it’s actually someone else going through the exact same shit I’m going through. I always felt connected to your post because it’s so relatable and slight parallel to my life. You have help me because a lot of the stuff I go through I don’t speak of.
    I’m the strong friend, “ the he’s okay, he would know what to do friend.” When in fact some days I don’t know what to do. It’s some heavy shit in the air, so we have to stayed prayed up. We have to be conscious of our feelings day to day.

    If you silence yourself and observe, you will find everything and anything that you was asking to reveal by god. Sometimes that almost broke you feeling is needed to break The old you to reveal the new you.
    It may last seconds, minutes; hours, days, months, years, even decades. But most importantly never give up, you are worth the fight and rediscovery of your new profound, prolific, amazing self. ❤️

    -guy88

    1. ^guy88,

      thank you for stopping in and sharing this with me.
      i needed to read it.
      it almost made me cry in the barber shop just now.
      i wasn’t gonna post it,
      but i felt i needed to so i can clear the air within myself.
      there are many others out there who are silent,
      but all it takes it someone brave to admit:

      “hey,
      i’m struggling too”

      and it can cause folks to do the same.
      i don’t expect everyone to relate with this entry because many are truly happy.
      i was,
      but i don’t remember when exactly i hit the wall.
      i know it was when the honeymoon phase from my job was lifted and i started falling for another questionable male who i think/thought wants me.

      i’ll take your advice and take some time in silence.
      the answers are always there.

      thank you again and much love to you!
      -jf

  3. Praying for u!! I definitely understand what you’re going thru. My therapist tells me to always just take things one day at a time (it’s easier said than done when you are stressed out.)
    Just know that this too shall pass.

  4. Have you discussed this with the Head Huntress? Perhaps your good reviews here can help you coast to somewhere else?

    Maybe it’s a thing where if you make it to a year, it can go on your resume and open other doors for you.

    The thing about anxiety is you are a water bottle. You’re filled with your favorite kind of juice. You’re thrown into a pool of chlorine water. The chlorine will have to eat away at the water bottle to get in and taint the juice. Be a steel water bottle. Don’t let anything outside of you, taint you.

    You know those confident people who even when rejected or criticized shrug it off? Some say they’re arrogant, delusional, in their own world…find your own world.

    If someone said you were a vampire, you’d shrug it off, because it’s not true. Shrug off things that don’t hold truth. If you have to work on something, say, “Thanks for pointing that out, even if it was rude” and improve in such a way that even if they don’t acknowledge your progress the next time they bring it up, you both know they’re lying.

    Also, you need to do morning affirmations, like this young boy:
    https://www.instagram.com/p/B3E0hzyAMrf/

    When you wake up, see it as an accomplishment. Each day you awaken, others did not. It will take time but once you have a clear vision of who Jamari is and who Jamari isn’t, what others say will not have as much power over you.

    You can also try some natural antidepressants such as St. John’s Wort. Saffron flower, folic acid, zinc supplements introduced into your diet can also help. When you start giving yourself anxiety, look into these at the local farmer’s market or find affordable vendors online.

    1. ^C,

      i love you for this.
      i just screen shotted it so i can read it when i’m getting overwhelmed with anxiety.
      it gets to the point that i had to throw up instantly.
      i’m trying to work on it tho,
      it this comment was needed for everyone who is suffering.

      thank you,
      jf

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