it started getting bad like a few weeks ago.
i’ve been playing it off pretty well.
i’m still dressing fly,
and my skin has never looked better,
but i’ve been dealing with a lot deep down inside.
it’s easy to wear a mask when you’re feeling like shit underneath.
i’ve been “sick” af too…
i saw “joker” on friday night,
but at like 430am on saturday morning,
i woke up out my sleep because i was throwing up everywhere.
i’ve been feeling out of control with anxiety.
it’s hard to hear folks say to me:
“You’re always ill.”
someone said that to me today.
they don’t know my background so i can’t be too mad.
as per my last doctor’s visit,
i’m a perfectly healthy person.
i take my vitamins,
stay away from too much fried food,
and i usually get close to 7 hours of sleep a night.
When i’m riddled with anxiety,
it will literally change all of that and have me laid out.
my anxiety comes in the form of a stomach ache,
once i get worried or nervous,
my heart starts beating fast and i feel a dull pain within the pit of my stomach.
two things happen:
a) I have to immediately throw up
b) I have to immediately go shit
my social life enjoys every second of it.
as of late,
due to all that’s happening…
my bosses have really been really stressing me out
tripped and fell for another “question mark” wolf yet again
feeling lost in what i’m trying to do with my life
i really miss the folks who have long passed on from my life
things and some people have been so horrible too.
it’s made me extremely depressed these last few weeks.
i’m up writing this because i didn’t sleep and started imagining myself dying.
“How long would it take people to even notice I was dead?
Would they text me?
Send a search party?
would I go UN-noticed like I always do?”
once i started going there,
i had to snap out of it and font something for a release.
i’ve been talking to various foxholers about whats been happening.
many of you have blessed me with being a shoulder.
i’m extremely grateful to you.
as one foxholer told me today,
i remind them so much of x-men’s “jean grey“.
in the cartoon,
the running joke in the cartoon was that she was always falling down.
the running joke to others is i’m always depressed or suicidal.
life is not easy when you’re doing this all alone.
it can feel like the weight of 1,000 pounds is on my shoulders.
as free as i am,
that does come with a price.
i fall tf down,
but i’m never down for too long.
pain often leads to purpose for me.
so i’m broken at the moment,
but i’ll rise back up again.
lowkey: i felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders writing that.