i use to think ghosting was meeting someone,
feeling their vibe,
enjoying their conversation,
maybe even the sexual part of it,
and then they suddenly vanishing on you.
calls and texts go unanswered.
no explanation whatsoever.
they just drop you like it never mattered.
to me,
that’s one of the most hurtful and cowardly things someone can do.
it wasn’t until i realized that i was a ghosting slut as well.
oof…

when i was watching nathan’s situation of ghosting on “insecure”,
it really triggered me.
like,
it low-key had me vex af.
i’ve been in issa’s shoes before and it really sucks.
that shit will have you out here looking a whole kind of crazy.
as the internet started to decipher nathan’s behavior,
it was revealed that he ghosted due to his struggles with depression.
he left the whole state of california to ghost.
world record?
kendrick sampson,
who plays “nathan”,
fonted his explanation of his character’s ghosting on his ig:

*alexa play “i relate with that heavy”*

when my depression is close to 100,
i tend to withdraw from everything and everyone.
before,
i would put my phone of airplane mode with no fucks to give.
nowadays,
i let folks that matter know i’m taking a minute to get it together.
even with the foxhole,
i’ll tell one of the foxholers that i’ll take the weekend to veg.

i remember one time in my really depressed days,
i left a voicemail on a friend’s phone one night that could be taken wrong.
it legit sounded like i was gonna commit suicide.
it was on my mind,
but i decided against it.
the next day,
without checking the ton of voicemails,
i got up and went to work.
i didn’t think anyone gave af about me in that selfish moment.
well due to not being able to reach me,
one of my friends ended up calling the police.
the police took a battering ram to my apartment door.
yup.
as soon as i got home that night,
that shit was legit on the floor.
i learned from that day on,
and a good amount of money to pay for my door,
to ALWAYS let someone know if i’m taking a mental break.

so i’m no better than the “dating ghoster”.
it’s the lesser of the two evils,
but it’s still a problem.
in my head,
i do it so i can get my shit sorted out.
i’ll binge a show,
cry,
super jack off,
or just sit on my couch and stare at the wall.
it’s better when i do this alone,
but to just up and leave,
while purposely ignoring those who love me,
is abusive.
God has really been working on me.

*if you’re struggling really heavy,
and you need someone to talk to,
please call the national suicide prevention hotline.
don’t fight it alone.
1 800 273 8255