last tuesday night,
before shit hit the fan,
i wrote episode 6 and came over to The Foxhole to update.
i was met with html code and a rudeness through customer service.
i wasn’t able to update but i am updating today.
here is a preview from “i was a boy who liked guys who liked girls but liked guys“…

looking back now, i realized that there were certain guys who really liked me because of everything i wasn’t.

The High School – “Dante”

Dante was the cute popular dude who was in a grade above me. he was a junior to my sophomore. Dante was the complexion of a snicker’s bar and was thick af. he wore baggy clothes but they fit his body perfectly. he didn’t look fat but he looked good. he wasn’t chubby in the face but he had weight on him. he had nice cheekbones and plump pink lips. his lips were his best quality. he didn’t play sports or anything either. he was just the guy who knew everyone. even though he had his clique of friends, he was good at networking. i wish i was like him. he was very charismatic and being cute with charisma is a deadly combo. because of that, all the girls liked Dante which included my best straight guy Carl’s older sister, Alexis. she was a junior at our school too. every time i went over to their house, i would end up hanging out with Alexis in her room. every gay boy has a girl they would consider a role model. if it wasn’t someone we knew, it was a pop or rap diva we secretly wanted to be. Alexis was pretty and all the boy’s liked her at school. you couldn’t tell her that she wasn’t the shit. she showed me that all you need to be is a pretty girl and the boys will do anything for you. she made me feel like i was trapped in the wrong body. i’m a boy who likes other boys that likes girls.

“if i was a girl, I’d be like Alexis.”

i always used to think life would be better if i was a girl. i would bag all the cute boys that i had crushes on. i would have studied from the greats: Alexis, Beyonce, Janet, Jennifer, Lil’ Kim, and Britney. alas, i was born a boy and didn’t want anyone to know that i liked other boys. i remember how i was treated in elementary school so i didn’t want that to be my fate in high school. ironically enough, that ended up being my fate as an adult. history does repeat itself.

anyway, i always saw Dante around Alexis. i would see them walking the halls or sitting next to each other at lunch. from my view, it looked like they were talking. i didn’t get the energy they were fucking. yet. one day, i decided to run to the bodega to get some snacks. i was wandering the halls and made my way around the school twice without getting caught. i can’t remember which class i was cutting but i’m sure numbers were involved. i hate math and still do.

the back door of my high school was always opened next to the cafeteria. sometimes they would forget to close it because it auto locked the door. if a school shooter wanted access to shooting us all up, the back door would be the way in. the bodega that was around the block from the school. so i ended up heading over to the bodega for a quick snack. when i got in there, i grabbed a honey bun and a pina colada flavored mystic drink. that was my favorite flavor. as i was walking to the register to pay for everything, i felt someone grab me from behind. i felt my throat go dry as it reminded me of being jumped back in elementary school. i folded myself over and i felt the person’s hands rubbing on my sides. they were holding on to me tight. they felt massive behind me. i knew it was a guy but i didn’t know who. even though i was scared, i did like how it felt. from behind.

“Now what are you doing here? You need to be in class young man.” the voice said in my ear. it was low and deep. i could feel his slightly damp lips on my earlobe. i could tell that the person was joking. they kept rubbing my body which felt serious.

when their arms slowly unwrapped from around me, making sure to get one last rub against my stomach, i turned around and saw it was Dante. he had on a black hoody, black sweats, and white hi-top air forces. he was looking at me with this particular look that i only saw him give girls. his eyes were low and he had a slight grin on his face. it wasn’t goofy. it was sexy to me.

“i wanted a snack.” i replied, fixing my shirt.

“oh you wanted a snack? you should get some chocolate then.”

at the time, i didn’t realize that Dante was letting me know he was the chocolate.

( x read the rest here )

being able to revise some past moments has been like therapy for me.
thank you to everyone who supports.