during my time offline for my birthday,
i decided to watch a movie called “the whale” starring brendan fraser.
in the movie,
he played said whale.
no seriously,
he was pretty large.

 

the movie touches on truth,
addiction,
and forgiveness.
even with how cruel some of the people were to charlie (brendan fraser),
he still tried to show love and see the positive within their disgust/hatred.
from the start,
middle,
and end,
i was bawling in all kinds of ugly.
ever so often,
a movie comes along during a time i need to watch it.
“the whale” was it for me and i thought to myself…

Am I The Whale too?

now i’m not big but i’m carrying a lot of weight in my soul.
i’m not going out as much due to not having the type of money/life i desire.
instead of stress eating,
my addiction has always been thinking the worse of myself and my life.
it has always been never being present or feeling safe.
i’ve always been in survival mode for as long as i can remember.
not only that,
i have a deep resentment for those who have hurt me.
i haven’t healed or gotten closure from many things.
so i have been swimming around in a circle,
chasing my whale,
and never fully feeling the happiness of my now.

in therapy,
i always use the word “freedom” to describe my perfect life.
freedom as in i’ve broken the chains of everything that holds me back.
when i see people who live the lives i desire,
they all seem free and living unapologetically.
they appear to be chosen,
loved,
and protected.
at times,
i don’t feel like i am.

this movie ended up holding a mirror to my reality.
i’m 300 pounds and full of shit that’s weighing me down.
i keep repeating some of the same cycles tbh.
this is why i wanted my birthday to be a quiet one.
sorry foxhole,
no cake this year.

i would like to start losing that mental and emotional weight.
i’d like to be more honest with myself too.

I would like finally capture my whale so I can be free.

happy birthday 2 me.

lowkey: we are all chasing whales in our own lives.
addictions,
love,
acceptance,
anger,
or truth.
all of the above?
your whale is holding you back.