you were always the one.
even after all these decades apart,
and many wolves later,
you still cross my mind.
even though we are miles apart,
i’d look to see what you were up to on occasion.
thats the gift and curse of social media.

You look good than when I last saw you.
Better,
maybe?

i’ll never forget when we first met…

i was not into you.
you were cute but i didn’t see you in that way.
i didn’t realize you were into me until someone pointed it out.
i guess you were that obvious to those who were watching.
i’m sorry i didn’t react fast enough as the vixens did.
you were a head-turner.
i witnessed them breaking their necks and fighting for your attention.
that is the same thing you were doing to me.
in my defense,
we were kids.
i was existing in my shame,
insanely insecure,
and completely naive to same-sex interest.

Imagine if we would have dated or even tried to mess around back then?

what a mess we would have made!
literally!
i don’t think we were prepared for “us“.
our energy was strong once i got on the same page tho.
remember how we looked at each other?
how you would sneak and try to touch me when no one was looking?
i was so shy and intimidated but i went with it.
by that time my nose was completely open,
it was too late.

You just left.

the last night i saw you,
you were supposed to teach me math so i could take my ged test.
i’m terrible at math and you were good at it.
you never showed up to where we were supposed to be.
after that,
everyone was very vague about what happened.
“he’ll be back.”
wtf?
your car stayed in the same spot when i’d drive by your crib.
it was the greatest mystery of my young life i tried to solve.
once i gave up is when you came back.
nothing was ever the same after that.
you know this; i know this.

You pulled me in and then pushed me away.

i had no choice but to go.
i changed my number and bounced.
i went full ghost mode.
my energy was you vanished for me so i returned the favor.
you were my first in teaching me how to leave.

i don’t know why i wrote this tho.
as a release,
i guess?
we are not in the same circles anymore.
we don’t even live in the same state.
you have been on my mind lately and i don’t know why.
even though i put the shovel down,
i have felt the urge to dig up that grave.
maybe you’re thinking about me; maybe you’re not.
i don’t want to pack you up like i’ve done the rest.
something inside is telling me not to.
i hope one day i can ask you the questions i never got closure to.