growing up,
my grandmother was one of the important figures in my life.
when my mother was running wild in the forests of barbados,
it was my grandmother who made the sacrifice to take care of me as a baby.
i stayed at her spot during the week and saw my mother on weekends.
although her methods of parenting were very abusive…

…she made sure i was taken care of.
i always admired that she built her home from the ground up.
she worked hard and lived off her pension because of that.
when my mother wanted to move to america,
she put her life on hold to come here to take care of me as well.
she didn’t have to but she wanted to make sure we were both okay.
the adjustment of living in america compared to barbados was tough,
but she was strong and rolled with all the punches.

She found a way to drag me to that Jehovah’s Witness church every chance she had. 

 i remember the day i finally put a christmas tree up in my mother’s old crib.
she nearly lost her shit but it was kind of a “you’ll learn to deal” tbh.
i didn’t go back to barbados during her last days.
although i was sad,
there was too much resentment i had towards her.
she had dementia and didn’t remember anything or anyone,
but when she saw me on a skype call for her last birthday,
she remembered me and started to cry.
i didn’t see her up until that moment.

Through therapy,
I was able to forgive her.
I wish it wasn’t too late but I was able to finally end that chapter.

my grandmother would have been 103 today.
i want to let her know that i do love her and thank her for all she did for me.
she told me once during a call that she prayed for me every night.
i still feel her prayers.
it seems others who hurt my feelings feel them too.

Happy Birthday,
Gran.

lowkey: this is the first year i’ve felt sad about remembering my grandmother.
i think once i took off of the armor of resentment,
my real feelings showed up.