2016 Just Keeps Getting Worse, Ain’t It?

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2016 just really sucks,
doesn’t it?
i was at work and found out some bad news in the afternoon…

my family member who had breast cancer passed away.
thankfully,
they didn’t suffer.
i was done for the rest of the day after that.

i came home and spent the day laying on my couch.
i cried,
slept with the help of sleeping pills,
and threw up off and on because of my anxiety.
i can’t afford to go to the funeral which is down south.
if i could,
i would,
but i don’t know when this job is ending.
i spoke to my family members and they told me it was okay.
the part that bothers me is i was so self absorbed and self involved.
i was supposed to call her back so we could talk.
she was in the hospital when i spoke her about two weeks ago.
i was supposed to call her in a week,
but i got so wrapped up in work and other issues.
i feel like i messed up.

i shed a lot of tears in 2016.
i don’t know when i’ll be all cried out.
it’s like,
i take one step forward,
and then this year says:
rawnope!
stay the fuck ten steps back.
this is one of the reasons i don’t feel like doing anything for thanksgiving.
that holiday is cancelled this year.
i’ll probably do the same for christmas as well.
do over for 2017?

lowkey: i’m so grateful i have supportive friends and a huge foxhole.
i probably would have killed myself a long time ago.
thank you for being there.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “2016 Just Keeps Getting Worse, Ain’t It?

  1. Have you considered seeing a therapist or something along those lines? You are a beautiful soul and we don’t want you to feel like you’re at the end of your rope. Talk it out and know a brighter day is coming.

  2. Yo…big hug to you J. I found out this morning that my uncle passed from his battle with colon cancer. I’ve told my family not to call me at work with bad news, but my cousin forgot and did it anyway.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss.I understand your feeling of guilt,regret,etc.I visited my aunt who lived about two hours away last month.I was planning on visiting her again this past weekend but she died days before my scheduled visit.I had been told that she could live for a long time because the only thing that was wrong with her was diabetes.Her son who lives in Los Angeles didn’t get to see his mother before she died because he was waiting until Thanksgiving to drive those 18 hrs.😢

    You can’t beat yourself up and do the” If I woulda,coulda,etc” thing.I have decided to focus on all the memories we shared over the years,over my lifetime.Rather than focus on the last weeks of her life.After her funeral I talked about happy memories like her baking lemon pies and her being addicted to bingo and stratch off cards.She used her fingernail rather than a coin to scratch off the cards.😀

    Obviously this holiday season will be difficult but try to remember previous holidays and occasions that were filled with joy,laughter,etc.

  4. Bruh, I’m at sorry to hear this and I offer my condolences.

    I’m also glad to know you’re able to use us for some support and I hope you know some of us have used this forum in the same manner – great to have a network like this, thanks.

    2017 can only be better man, I’m claiming it too! We gotchoo, stay up!

  5. My condolences and prayers to you. Believing you will comforted in your time of sorrow.

    2016 has been an interesting year which means 2017 has to be better.

    Did you all hear Gwen Ifill also passed away today

  6. So sorry about that, may her rest in peace. 2016 had really bean a shitty year and it ain’t even over yet. I’m like can we be in 2017 already?

    And what you say about not calling her, i know exactly what you feel. I lost my baby brother, same father but different moms so i didn’t grow up with him. i didn’t know him, i never saw him or spoke to him. One day a friend asked me if i didn’t want to get to know him, and i was like meh i want to but i got plenty time for that tho, he’s just 6. And then 2 weeks later he died. It was 4 yrs ago and i still can’t forgive myself for that. I could’ve try but i didn’t. i learned to never be that self-centered again.

    So i know you feel bad right now, you feel somehow guilty like it’s your fault or something but i really hope you can find the strengh to forgive yourself.

  7. Awwww Jamari I’m sorry to hear that, may she RIP. I’m sending love and hugs your way buddy. Losing love ones always sucks. Jamari I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think you should try to see if you could spend the holidays with one of your friends that’s in New York. You don’t deserve to be alone, and I’m sure your friends don’t mind you spending sometime with their family. Jamari better days are coming your way.

  8. So sorry for your family loss, but please dont beat yourself up over the missed called because you loved her and she knew that, we have all been caught up in this thing call life and didnt visit or call like we should, I want to think that I have done at least one nice thing or said one kind word to people in my life so if they should go suddenly or even after illness they will know I cared about them and vice versa. You talk to her when it counted so you are good. I lost my grandmother a couple of years ago, at the end of her life she did not know who I was because of dementia so I was glad that I was there when she knew me and I know you were there for your family member just the same. 2016 has been rough for us all and with the election of Dump it probably just got worse but we are going to be okay one way or another.

  9. I am sorry to hear this. Deaths really hurt this time of the year with the holidays nearing. This year is almost over and I hope that things get better for you in the future.

  10. My condolences. Keep her memory alive in you. I’m glad to hear that you have a support system that you feel comfortable with and that the foxhole is able to be a safe haven for you. That being said I think that you should get a hug from one of your closer friends because physical love can do miracles for your emotional health. And you’re not the only one who is over this year, i was just watching something yesterday that ended its season finale with a “🖕🏾2016” segment. I say look back to learn lessons from the past in order to make the most of this moment and set up for your future.

  11. I’m so sorry to hear this , please don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re doing the best you can I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers.

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