what is faith? i don’t know her.

i know ^this faith but i don’t know the other one.
i was not taught to have faith in life.
i don’t truly know how to “do it” and i get anxiety trying to do it.
anytime all hell breaks loose in my life,
i run to fear and worry.
that has always felt more comfortable than trusting God.
it is what i was taught.
i grew up as a jehovah’s witnesses child

…and all i was taught was be prepared for the end of the world.
i watched my parentals stress about making sure they always studied the word.
it was:

We need to be in church before Armageddon comes!
We need to be 1 of the 144k!
We need to pull Jamari out of primary school to prepare for Armageddon!”

every thing was about walking on eggshells to avoid making Jehovah mad.
when we migrated to this country,
forget it.
the change in america was watching my parentals stress and worry,
crying and breaking down,
all because of not truly having faith.
i know how to pray but i don’t know how to trust.
i just told someone the other day:

“These folks were always in that church,
bullied me into going to the Jehovah’s Witnesses,
but not once did they teach me to have faith.

I rebelled against religion because I hated that church.
So now in life where I need to hold onto the teachings,
I’m lost in the sauce
out here.”

as an adult,
i see why having faith is so important.

so i had to wonder if I really don’t trust God?

I don’t know HOW to trust him.

he should understand with all i dealt with growing up,

lowkey: why do i feel like…
a majority of the witnesses kids i grew up with are all fucked up mentally because of that religion?

if you google “jehovah’s witnesses and mental health”,
you will go down quite the rabbit hole.

4 thoughts on “what is faith? i don’t know her.

  1. Hey Jamari, I’m reading this book called Trust by Iyanla Vanzant. the 4 main parts of it are about trusting in ourselves, trusting in God, trusting in others, and trusting in life (the process/unfolding).

    I was raised methodist christian and my grandmother was the one who helped to teach me about a lot of things in the Bible, in terms of dealing with the real world, and she didn’t trust churches and church people because of bad experiences with them, so she read her Bible and watched christian tv at home, or listened to gospel radio/tapes/CDs.

    After I realized how politcal and money/power hungry these religious organizations were, during the passing of same sex marriage into law here in the US, as well as also accepting and understanding my own pansexuality as a black male at the time (early 20s), I stepped away from religion and became more focused on spirituality and simply researching religion and their origins and staying clear from their cult-like energy. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a kid/preteen, 3 of my closest family members all have Schizophrenia, and im currently experiencing homelessness again now in my early 30s, having to leave my trucking career behind to fully face my mental health and physical health issues.

    Trusting in God is something I’m learning how to do all over again as well; I had faith but it was shaky, and I’ve been experiencing this dark night of the soul for years now. I appreciate all of Iyanla’s books and YouTube channel videos; I’d highly recommend her Rspot videos on all kinds of relationships, including the rships with our family, and God, and how they all function.

    I’m tired of this victim consciousness within me and I want to finally move forward in life, leaving everything in the past behind and becoming who I’m destined to be in this lifetime. I’m tired of being so angry and frustrated with God, about my life…so far. I want to let go of all this baggage, and i will eventually, i just have to work towards that goal everyday from now on. Just know that you are NEVER alone in your experiences, and we all have to make a choice to do something new or not, to take us to the next level in our lives.

    I’ve never had absolute faith in the creator/origin before but now is the time to build/reclaim that relationship that my soul, and really all of our souls, knows full well, far beyond the limits of our human minds and hearts.

    Sorry if I’m all over the place; I just felt moved to speak to you about the faith/trust thing, since I’m dealing with it as well. I’ve commented a few times on here before in the past, so I hope this comment helps.

    1. ^thank you for this kai.
      i appreciate all you said and maybe it is time to start over.
      it might be time for me to really exam faith and how God has worked with me in the past.
      i’ll check out those things from iyanla as well.

  2. Thank you Jamari. I understand. Having faith in God is so good for you. Faith and trusting God for what you are doing or going through or to is what you need. Faith is trusting God to help get you to and through whatever happens. It will always work. Praying for you. You can make it through!

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